• Mon, Jun 27 2011

Real Talk: Could You Ever Date A Man Who’d Been With A Prostitute?

Last week, Ashley wrote about wild bachelor parties where men feel they can go cavort with prostitutes. We were curious about how disturbed by that women actually were. So we talked to some! Here are their opinions on whether they could ever be with a man who’d been with a sex worker.

Share This Post:
  • Eileen

    I side with Gigi. Provided he treats the whole sex-work thing as “I am hiring you to perform a service” and not “I am buying the rights to your body,” I don’t think it makes a man a bad person to solicit a prostitute. But I would wonder if he’s in the right place, mentally and emotionally, for me.

    • Amanda

      I agree; I think that his view of sex workers matters way more than anything else. I can think of many good reasons to hire a prostitute, but if he thinks they’re somehow not as important as other people, that would be a huge red flag for me. I’d never want to date the kind of person who thinks that sex can somehow devalue a woman (or man, for that matter, but that doesn’t seem as common).

  • Hayden

    The former love-of-my-life for my husband had been a prostitute/madam some years before they met. So technically I guess he slept with someone who used to be a prostitute. I found it VERY weird and made him go to the doctor for a full panel of STD tests. (Why he hadn’t done this, I have no idea.)

    He genuinely loved her as a person, and her intelligence and beauty. He’s not into anything weird; I think he is just a remarkably non-judgmental person and figured it was all in the past.

    However, that being said, she had some major issues and while I theoretically am o-k with prostitution, I think it can attract people with emotional stuff.

    I honestly don’t get why it never bothered him but I do get the benefit of his non-judgmental nature so I guess it’s all good.

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    I side with Gigi on this one. That said, I’m more likely to date a sex worker (went on some dates with one, he was pretty awesome), than an occasional client.

  • August S.

    While I’m sure Helen is a lovely person with many wonderful qualities, this made my eye twitch: “If they want sex with no emotional strings attached, it wouldn’t work. Because they wouldn’t be dating.”

    Wha…? Just because at one point in the past you’ve wanted sex without Twu Luv doesn’t mean you’ll never need or desire emotional intimacy. This morning I woke up and was like, “hey, I’m going to eat some delicious oatmeal!” yet I’m totally okay with fish for lunch because people want different things at different times.

    In fact, let’s make up a theoretical guy called John (heh). John’s mom just died and his job is going through a super stressful period. As a self-aware, emotionally in-touch man of the new millennium, he knows that he neither wants nor has the emotional energy to invest in a romantic relationship at the moment. But as a healthy guy in his prime, he still wants to have sex. So his courses of action are 1) Don’t have sex, 2) Pretend to be interested in a relationship in order to get laid, 3) One night stand or find a women who’s totally OK with NSA sex and develop a f*ck-buddy, or 4) hire a hooker.

    1. doesn’t solve the problem at all, and 2. is morally dubious and will probably just lead to more stress. 3. would be the non-commercial-transaction ideal, but it’s a lot easier to accomplish in theory than in practice. One-nighters are complicated because it’s sometimes hard to judge if both parties know it’s going to be a solitary occurrence or if one of the participants thinks it could lead to something more, in which case he’s right back to 2. And F-buddies that doesn’t lead to hurt feelings and broken friendships are rarer that good jam bands.
    Which leaves 4., the hooker option. To me, it seems at least as reasonable as 3, if not more so. I guess you could make the argument that it says John at the time that he chooses 4 prefers convenience and clearly established boundaries over abiding by the letter of the law (since solicitation is illegal) or the thrill-of-the-chase that goes with one night stands, but I don’t think you could make vast generalizations about his character or his desires for future relationships from that choice.

    So basically Helen’s response really bugged me, so I decided to write a BILLION WORD RESPONSE, and am now late for lunch.

    Like Julie says (I’m shortening Juliet’s name because I agree with her so strongly that I’m pretty sure we’re besties now) satisfying one’s sexual urgings in a convenient method with clear and mutually established boundaries

  • August S.

    Argh; ok, the last paragraph of my comment below was supposed to end with “is a totally reasonable thing, whether or not money changes hands”. but it got cut off, probably because the internet was all “really? you’re writing more? I think they got the point.”

    (Also, you know what would be awesome on these comments? An edit function. Yes, technically I could read through what I’ve written before I hit post, but I think you’re expecting a little too much from me. I mean, I’m not Bill Shakespeare here.)

  • Marella

    My husband hired several online prostitutes (the professional ones who get all gussied up and take shots in different outfits) before I met him…very shortly before…and was so ashamed that I didn’t find out until 2 weeks before we were married. My emotional response was like a dramatic scene from a good novel – I blacked out momentarily, then threw up. Eventually, after a couple years of marriage, I worked up the courage to ask him what each one looked like. What would he pick, if ordering from a catalog? Sometimes I still break down and cry, and wonder if I stack up to any of them, after having 4 children, and being too exhausted to have sex most days.

    • Lance

      harden the fuck up – the reason you still feel like this is because you have blacked out the abuse you received as a child.

    • Lambchop

      My experience has been just like yours… I found out last week (after 18 months of being together and recently moving across the world with one another) that 3 months before I met/got together with my partner, he had hired an online call girl – the type that you request certain outfits and “activities” from and they charge you extortionate rates. This was the second time he’d paid for sex – the first being at age 20 in a seedy brothel. I reacted to this news by taking an overdose and blacking out. Each day gets better but I am angry at him for not telling me sooner (I don’t know if I would have gotten myself involved with him if I knew beforehand) and feeling sick that he felt as though he needed to resort to that. He says he was lonely and in a bad place but I honestly didn’t think that I would fall in love with someone capable of paying for sex, not just once as a misguided youth but as a mature adult man.

  • Carolyn

    I am surprised there isn’t more mention of STDs. Exposure to disease would be my FIRST reason for not wanting to sleep with a guy who’s been with a prostitute.

    • Eileen

      I think we’re going with the “all other things being equal” idea.

      Although honestly, I’d be more likely to rule out men who’d been promiscuous with “regular” women than a man who’d been with a prostitute, just because I’d say people are very aware of the fact that prostitutes engage in sexually risky behavior. But I know lots of girls who’ve had sexual contact with quite a few different men, sometimes without condoms, and yet have never ordered an STD test.

    • Amy

      I’m with you Caroline. First and foremost I’d be concerned about my health. I’ve had friends who were sex workers and they were pretty balanced people, but even they did irresponsible and reckless stuff – one would just give bjs without protection. Then there are (unfortunately) the workers who choose the life because of their drug problems. There are so many health risks associated with this lifestyle. Men who think this is an acceptible risk to take (and hence subject me to) just aren’t on the same page as me.

      Additionally there’s an attitude towards sex that I really don’t like – ‘I don’t care about this other person, I don’t care if they’re into me, if they’re into the sex, if they’re doing this because of some crushing financial pressure – I just don’t care at all. I want sex and that’s all that matters’ – it’s totally different to a one night stand or hook-up where both parties are there (generally) for mutual enjoyment.

  • woo

    I really expected one of the girls to be a prostitute or ex-prostitute.

    There have been times when I (after being put on SSRIs and experiencing no sex drive and insane mood swings) have considered sending my partner to a pro, or even just a happy ending massage.

    I don’t know if this is an Australian thing, but I would much rather my partner goes to a working girl for extra sexy times than some coffee shop waitress or ex girlfriend or some rich lady he meets in a bar who wants a boy toy, each of whom have something I don’t and each of whom will want emotional energy from him too.

    In short: go prossies!

  • Hanna

    In short I want to date a decent guy who only enjoys sex as much as his partner enjoys it. I don’t think someone paying people for sex would fit in there but then again, life has a tendency to surprise you.
    I would not have a problem dating a guy who had a relationship with a prostitute or sex with her when she was off-duty.
    Just ordering sex online like I would order clothes or books sounds fantastic but I can’t really get into it if I know the guy is not enjoying it. I just can’t do that. Respectively, every time I get the mildest whiff of “I don’t really care if she likes it” I run for the hills as fast as my very short legs can carry me. I want someone who cares. A lot. Who’s empathetic. That’s what makes a man a good lover, in my opinion.

  • MB

    My opinoin here is probably more conservative. I would not want to be with a man who hired prostitutes. It shows to me they do not have much respect for women, and that they cannot control their urges. I am so tired of this need for sex, need for this, need for that. It seems to me that men who behave like this have emotional issues. They find it difficult to maintain healthy emotonal relationships. I also think the same way about men who always have one night stands. If people learned to control themselves, and be mindful of their well being, then people would have much more fullfilling relationships in mind, body and soul.

  • mb

    This article and the responses illustrate perfectly why people should try to abstain from sex until marriage, or at least until they find the person they wish to be with long term. having multiple partners is not only a health risk, but also an emotional risk. constantly comparing yourself to your partner’s past conquests. wondering if you are as good as the other ones. I think the whole concept of prostitution is just degrading, for the woman and the man.

  • Reaping the Benefits

    Over 20 years ago, my current boyfriend had an ongoing relationship with a prostitute when he was stationed overseas after the breakup of his marriage (he came home on leave and found his wife in bed with a fellow member of his platoon). He was in a bad place emotionally, mad at women, and still had the basic humanity to see the prostitute on that first encounter as a human being, who was sending money back to her mother and kids. They ended up spending some nights together just talking and laughing. If I’d had a hard and fast rule against prostitutes, I’d have missed out on a great person, who treats me wonderfully and incidentally is great fun in bed.

  • Raeka

    It wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, but it would definitely lead to a serious discussion. How long ago he slept with a prostitute would also be pretty important.

    I’m mostly concerned about his reasons for sleeping with hooker, and whether or not he’s safe. I mean, most prostitutes don’t WANT to be in the profession, and a good number of them are there because of drug problems or traffickers. While I’d probably get over the ‘Gee, I didn’t think of that’ response I’d be likely to get, it would still be upsetting, that my guy could be that naive.

    Seriously, the Happy Hooker stereotype is extremely rare. Most of those women you’re paying for sex? Don’t like you.

  • Artemis

    I really did not like Kara’s real talk comment. I am from Brasil and wanted to say she has it all wrong. Brasil is a very religious country more than the united states ever will be. I know men and women who want to save themselves for marriage and become extremely uncomfortable when they see a prostitute. Sure I know many players too but they don’t need prostitutes. In Brasil hookers are for old men who no one finds attractive anymore.

    • Lance

      Religion will kill you quicker than anything on the planet. Your priests like small boys and sodomy. May God have mercy on your misguided comments. Jesus would be disappionted – do you know who Mary magdalene was? and her job. get an education you idiot.

  • naoma

    I met a man who had been with many prostitutes. It was just a platonic friendship, but I know that had it been anything else he would have been an expert in woman pleasing. Apparently, he had been with approximately 100 women in his young life and I assume he knew “all there was to know.” I could ask questions and get great answers, but as for “testing the waters.” Well, it was not that type of relationship, but we had some very interesting conversations. Perhaps I should write a story about this?

  • John Jones

    As long as its safe and consensual i see no moral problem personally, saying that i would not tell my partner unless it was her idea. Its a big world and a long life, try and accept other points of view please..