The Best Place To Have Sex (That Is Actually The Worst)

Have we talked about how the long weekend over the 4th of July is coming up? Yes? No? Maybe? It’s coming, and we think about it all the time.

Maybe you are going to spend the long weekend lying on your couch playing round after round of Angry Birds: Rio. Not on your iPhone. Playing it with real stuffed birds and pigs and a catapult your built out of plywood and just generally being awesome. There is nothing wrong with lifelike reenactments of Angry Birds. I wish I lived in your apartment because this is kind of my dream.

Alternatively, you might just watch television for the entire weekend. I hear ‘Suits’ is a good show. And by “hear” I mean “it is what I am watching right now, and finding somewhat enjoyable!” But! Shh! Don’t let anyone know that I am watching it on my headphones at work even though it is rad. Here. You can watch it, too.

Let’s go back to thinking about our vacations. Maybe you will go home to see your family. That’s nice. You should try to get them to do s’mores and some barbecue. As an adult, it’s easy to forget how fun it is to make s’mores. Although it’s important to have peanut butter. S’mores should mean “some more” but with your mouth all full, and that is almost never the case without peanut butter.

Or perhaps you are planning a romantic getaway! That will be so much fun! Are you going to the mountains? Yes? You should… not get eaten by bears.

Wait. You’re going to the beach?

Don’t fuck on the beach.

You think it’s a good idea? It’s not. It’s a terrible idea. You’ll get sand in your genitals.

This would have been a really short post, so I padded it out with some stuff about Suits and s’mores. You got the point? No beach fucking? Great! Go have sex on the golf course like normal people.

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    • Karen

      Also: Don’t fuck where bears can watch you. They are notoriously susceptible to suggestion. [Alternate title: Threesomes can get grisly (grizzly)]

    • tiffany

      I really enjoyed this! Very well written.

    • Francesca

      enjoy the drink, but the actual action, not so much. sand in places sand shouldn’t be. i’m sure that’ll be a great story to tell your gyno.

    • Jenny

      Using a beach towel solves the genital sand problem

    • elizabeth

      sex IN the ocean is good, though… and on the beach on blankets.

    • Virginia Llorca

      Never had that problem with the sand. But I heard the salt water left you really sore if you are a female.