• Sun, Jul 3 2011

Nasty Rumors About Monaco’s Royal Couple, Evaluated


As you may know by now, Prince Albert II of Monaco married longtime girlfriend Charlene Wittstock this weekend. And there was much rejoicing! But as with most attractive and popular people, a few sad jealous haters are trying to bring them down by spreading mean rumors about them. Here are some of those rumors.

Rumor #1: Albert has mad love children.

We already know about the two kids he has with two of his former flames: a 6-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. But according to French newspaper Le Journal Du Dimanche, at least two other women are coming out of the woodwork now about two new illegitimate children: “one already born, and the other to come.” How very prophetic. According to The Telegraph, Albert will undergo at least one paternity test after the wedding is over.

Theories

1.) He is NOT THE FATHER! Why would he go to all that trouble to have a lavish wedding if he was only going to get divorced afterwards? Seems a bit ballsy to me, even for an aristocrat.

2.) He is the father, but he’s counting on the fact that his wife wants to remain a princess badly enough to work things out.

3.) We will never truly know if he’s the father or not, because he’s going to throw a huge pile of money at this problem to make it go away. (My money’s on this one.)

Rumor #2: Charlene tried to flee three times before the wedding.

Via the Telegraph:

The [JDD's] sources said that when Charlene visited Paris in May to try on her white-silk Armani wedding dress she “took refuge” in the South African embassy.

Later that month she also tried to escape during the Monaco Formula 1 Grand Prix, they alleged. Then, last week, she allegedly had her passport confiscated en route to Nice airport via the helicopter service which runs between regularly between Monaco and France.

Senior police officials were reported to have confirmed the passport confiscation to Le Figaro newspaper last week.

Do you hear that? They confiscated her passport. I bet they had to hold her down to get her into that Armani Privé gown, too. It must’ve been hard to do her hair and makeup so nicely, what with all the thrashing and screaming.

Theories

1.) Confiscating the bride’s passport while she’s trying to take a helicopter to Nice is an ancient Monacan tradition we just don’t know about.

2.) She was not, in fact, “taking refuge” in the South African embassy, but merely visiting her childhood friend Mary, who works there now. She doesn’t like to go more than a few months without hearing English spoken in that jaunty, sort of weird accent.

3.) Prince Albert is brainwashing her and holding her hostage in a desperate bid to produce a legitimate heir. Because nobody else wants to marry the Prince of Monaco.

Conclusions:

1.) It’s hard out there for a pimp.

2.) Haters gonna hate.

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  • Joe

    You have to understand the Monegasque laws of heritage. He has to have a “legitimately” born son to whom he may pass the throne. Love children have always been a strong part of Monaco’s history – but the illegits aren’t acceptable for ascendency. They get married, she pops a boy, then all bets are off. They stay together, cheat, whatever. He just needs a son born of marriage.