Profound Things We Thought When We Saw Courtney Stodden’s ‘Baywatch’ Pictures

Oh, look! 16 year old child bride Courtney Stodden (famous for being a sixteen year old child bride married to a 51 year old) (and singing) is posing in a red bikini. Just like Pamela Anderson. Let’s free associate a bit and see what it makes you think of. Here were our initial thoughts:

1) Maybe she is 45. If she was 45 and just having a laugh at the media, that would be funny, right? Not laugh out loud funny, but New Yorker chuckle funny. If you sat on the subway going home and saw someone reading The New Yorker and just slapping their knees while guffawing, that would be hilarious.

2) She doesn’t look very happy in that photo.

3) She has a bracelet like Cleopatra’s! Do you think she’s read Antony and Cleopatra? Is she old enough? How old were you when you got into Shakespeare in a really pretentious, half-understanding way? Anonymous is probably going to be a good movie. I bet high school English teachers everywhere are going to take their kids on field trips to that movie, and it makes me wish I was in high school again, but only a little bit, not really. Not at all, actually. I can go see that movie without dissecting a frog, you know? Being an adult is the best.

4) Pamela Anderson always seemed like a nice person, because she wrote a column for Jane and in one of them, she talked about how she moved to New York on gay pride parade day, and she was so naive about the city that she thought that it was just like that every day. And I think she called her dad and said “this is the place for me!” I always liked that story. Also, she’s Canadian.

5) I am not sure that Courtney Stodden seems like a nice person. Mostly she seems like the kind of person who never fully closes her mouth.

6) I guess some dudes like that.

7) I left my mouth open for like a minute and I drooled a little bit. Ashley told me that it was hot, but hotter when Courtney Stodden does it, because she’s younger.

8) We’re living in a late Empire phase.

9) Solzhenitsyn said “If I were called upon to identify briefly the principal trait of the entire twentieth century, here too, I would be unable to find anything more precise and pithy than to repeat once again: ‘Men have forgotten God.’

10) Courtney Stodden is the 21st century breathing down your neck.

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    • BeccaTheCyborg

      You quoted Solzhenitsyn and The Smiths in a story about Courtney Stodden.

      This is why I love you guys to an unhealthy degree.

    • MNiM

      “How old were you when you got into Shakespeare in a really pretentious, half-understanding way?”

      13. It was the “Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered” line, I think. Now I utterly despise Hamlet* as the whiniest twit in the history of theater.

      Also, I have to say, that picture? I probably should have guessed before I clicked through, but I honestly kind of feel like I’ve just viewed child porn. That bathing suit is seriously high-cut. I know, she’s a married, ahem, woman and all, but yeah.

      *the character, not the play

    • Shae

      That harness she’s wearing looks horribly uncomfortable.

    • Elle

      Is there a word for a vag wedgie? Because there should be.

      • Lisa

        Cameltoe?

    • Maris

      11) Is parental consent needed for underage Brazilian waxes?

    • Olivia

      the size (or lack of size) of her labia makes me uncomfortable