• Wed, Aug 17 2011

You Say Potato, I Say “Why Are You So Afraid Of Death?”

Look, at some point, everyone is on a diet. Okay, not everyone, but lots of people. We’ve been on diets. And it’s annoying to have someone make delicious cinnabons for the office and not be able to eat them. It’s irritating. We get it. We’ve been there. But sending out notes like this one just makes it seem like you don’t understand that you’re still going to die.

You are going to die. Eat the cinnabons, don’t eat the cinnabons, it’s coming.

It will look more or less like this

You are going to die even if someone brings in all the cinnabons and you eat none of them because you know they are poison and you inform your co-workers that they are bringing poison to the office. You’re right, by the way. They are poison. If you eat a lot of them, you will probably die more quickly than you otherwise would. It’s been pretty much established that those people on restricted calorie diets are going to live to be 700 and will lord over future generations like a terrifying race of Struldbrugs (properly called Struldburgois?). Here are some other things that will up your chances of dying an early death.

Drinking

Having sex

Smoking

Doing all the heroin.

Going out in public, among people who might kill you.

Being a rock star

If you are engaged in some bizarre competition where there is a major pay-off for simply surviving the longest, you should do none of these things. You should stay in your room eating raw organic vegetables, consuming a minimal amount of wine (although no doctor recommends that you take up drinking, because the risk to your liver can outweigh the pay-off, so, never mind that, sorry, sounded fun) abstaining from sex and interactions with strangers. You will live forever, and your life will be miserable.

It will be a life without cinnabons.

And for all people seem to want to liken fatty foods to crack or other drugs, people who do crack often become weird and unhinged and do some things that they would likely not consider otherwise. They also contribute a lot less to the overall well-being of society as a whole. I guess what I’m saying is that I rarely hear of people sucking dick in alleyways for Dairy Queen blizzards – though, for the people who go that far for their love of cookie dough and ice cream, well, I salute you.

And there are really so few things that are so pleasurable as eating delicious food. Or, at least, so few things that will not kill you faster. The people who are bringing it into the office aren’t trying to kill you, they’re trying to get you to partake in one of life’s pleasures alongside them.

I’m going to rip off The Dead Poets Society a little bit here and say that the healthy food and moderation the note-taker mentions keep us alive, but cinnabons? Cinnabons are what we live for.

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  • Steve P

    WeightWatchers is that program that most health professionals recommend. I have been with the program 3 years and lost 50 pounds. If I want the cinnabon I eat it and just count the points.

  • Eileen

    If I have an addiction to shampoo*, is it fair for me to ask everyone to come in with dirty hair every day to accommodate me? The difference between food addictions (or sex addictions, or even alcohol addictions) and, say, heroin addictions is that most people can eat fatty foods without becoming addicted. You very rarely come across people who use heroin but are not addicted to it.

    I don’t think people recommend Weight Watchers for a healthy lifestyle, though – just weight loss, because you can follow a Weight Watchers plan without eating well.

    *I do not.

  • Somnilee

    As the saying goes: eat healthily, exercise well, die anyway.
    And I’d rather die with a cake in my mouth.

  • Maris

    If they were truly worried about others’ addiction to high-sugar, heavy calorie foods, they could simply bake healthy alternatives to bring into the office…

    Although once I made low sugar, wheat flour, margarine, skim milk, egg white banana bread for my boyfriend and it tasted like s***

    Anyway, it seems to me that they are more worried about THEIR addiction to fattening foods than anyone else’s.