• Thu, Sep 1 2011

The Worst Kinds Of Neighbors (Or, Why I Should Live On A Farm In The Middle Of Nowhere)

Let me just get this right out of the way: YES, this post is inspired by neighbors that I have right now. Since they are a 45+-year-old man who lives with his 80+-year-old mother and berates her day in and day out, I’m not worried in the slightest that they will read this, so if you were wondering how I could be so brazen as to write about the people that live next door, there’s your answer.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter whether you’re living in a shitty apartment building with 500 other units or a sprawling mansion in Bel Air — shitty neighbors exist everywhere (just remember that someone has to live next door to Lindsay Lohan). Here are some of the worst of their kind:

The Musical Theater Major

The Raver

The Screaming Couple

The Yapping Dog

The Singer Songwriter

The Abusive Son

The Colicky Baby Sorry, it had to be said.

I’m sure you’re looking for the loud-sex havers, but let’s be real: those people pale in comparison to the rest of these types.

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  • Lindsay Cross

    So you’re saying that you want to move out to Indiana? Because we’d love to have you!

  • kbaz

    I suspect my neighbors upstairs train circus elephants. And also are also maybe involved in competitive infant shotput.

  • Elle

    The only thing worse than living next door to a musical theatre major? Living with one. Who had a phobia of clean dishes.

    • fifiwereking

      mom? is that you?

  • Stella

    My neighbor has a 1970s-era muscle car that he revs for about 15 minutes every morning at 7:30am. It rattles our windows and sometimes sets off car alarms on the street. A For Sale sign went up in the window the other day, so my husband and I are considering buying it just so we can get some damn sleep.

  • Gloria

    Add trannie hookers to the list. Loud music until 5 a.m and the weirdest people coming in and out of the building.

  • Bob

    As soon as you can manage it. Buy the property. In the long run it will be cheaper. You can, then control who lives there or you could use it your self. As for renting. you can say that you are accepting applications and will let them know.

  • fifiwereking

    sorry, but the loud sex is the worst – i once had a third-floor neighbor who i could still hear in the basement… the others may be more annoying, but overhearing LS is mortifying as well – makes me feel like a peeping tom of sorts, and i just want it to go away…

    as to the yappy dog – i apologize – i hate it too… i work on this issue every day, but it’s a breed trait, so it may be a lost cause…

  • rachel

    I can relate to the yapping dog. Our neighbors driveway is right outside our bedroom window and guess who’s become our new furry alarm clock? Yep. And its actually not a yapping little lap dog. It’s a good sized, howling, sounds like it should be standing under a full moon hound/mutt. Lovely.
    And on our other side is someone you forgot to mention. The neighbor that calls the cops on you for every noise you make and is so ridiculous even the police officer that knocks on your door seems apologetic.

  • marc Lolls

    I personally LOVE the loud sex neighbors (sorry had to be said) there is something totally erotic about listening to a woman moan in pleasure

  • Bobbi

    I think they forgot the “borrowers”. ” can I use your blow dryer, can opener, printer,etc?” my neighbors may as well borrow the damn apt!

  • beverly

    how about a rental house that rents out to a man and wife and after one week 10 other people move in and park their cars in front of everyones elses property?????

  • charlene henderson

    How about the peekers?The ones that stand back in the shadows thinking you can’t see them and peek through the shades if there closed every time they hear you in your yard

  • ChrisA

    The neighbors who have the yappy dog that yaps because it is left in the backyard on a chain all winter like it’s a lawnmower except they would take better care of the lawnmower. Why do people keep dogs at all if it is just left behind your property on a chain? Lose it and save yourself the price of dog food. We actually got the dog better living conditions (it is in a chain length fence pen with a dog house inside and a tarp on the top because we kept calling the humane society instead of just on a chain in the wind/rain/snow) so we feel a little better. Still, I would like to spring the dog and put the people in that pen (on chains of course) for the night since it is going to be about 10 degrees tonight.

  • the disgusted first time home buyer

    How about a neighbor who trespasses, whose children trespass (the one who did with his friend was only 5), and knocks on your kitchen window at 7:30 a.m. to let you personally know he is going on vacation?!!!!!!!!:( After a very tough and strenu
    ous move, I gratefully sank down into my kitchen chair in my new kitchen to log on when my neighbor came right up to the kitchen window and started a conversation with me. I can’t wait to get a decent new fence so that he and his son and friends will no longer trespass onto our property or knock on our front door 4 times in one day to retrieve the ball they keep throwing over our fence even though we have a childrens playground at the end of our street!!!u

  • kaylee

    How would you like neighbors who watch every move when you are home
    and when you are not home steal anything they can see- even rocks off a
    rock fence- also a rake your mother gave you before she died-because
    she knew you would enjoy it. They watch us all the time. Wish they
    would move, I have never known anyone like this before. Crazy people.

    • Pauline

      Neighbors that have a camera set on me,and when I leave the house they find their way in and steal whatever they want, including my eye glasses, fresh fruit (apples), onions, my nick- knacks, and anything else they lay their hands on. I am very frustrated!!Locking my doors doesn’t help…..

  • Kaylee

    I just read all the notes on neighbors etc. it made me smile as I know
    how you must all feel. Now we hear rocks thrown at our house. Its
    not only the man but his wife too. We also added some trees to
    our back yard and would you know it they cut areas so now they have
    a place to look thro. We have just about lost it. I don’t want to
    complain as our employees or I should say police department don’t
    feel its their job to keep peace in the area. Just a another day.
    I will plant more trees and Keep my chin up.

  • Kaylee

    Will another complaint= I have 3 grandchilden all girls, the youngst
    goes though everything. their mother just leaves them and goes shopping
    with her mother. So the girls needs to be intertained. If you can find
    them. The youngest was in our storage room, I have a my winter
    clothes there and stuff animals , my large floor jewerly case there
    also. The kids have had NOOOO training, so I am running up and
    down 3 floors. Well this last visit the youngest went thru my jewerly
    Case and helped herself. Real good she stole several things from the
    case. I realized it after they left and called right away and they
    all lied and said they would go thru things, once they called and said
    they asked the girls and I asked what about the youngest and they
    said no, I said she was the one in my jewerly case. She had to have it.
    now they take pictures and have the piece the girl took, they said
    it wasn’t important anyway. A $300.00 piece wasn’t important
    We do not allow them here anymore or not even in our house. The
    mother runs and the children pretty much raise them selves I want
    one item back it was out of a seven piece set hand carved by a artist
    that worked at DisneyLand and has passed away. How do you get
    it back when the mother doesn’t teach them anything. I have
    really been torn up about this. The Grandmother should of went
    thru their things as soon as I called. I would of and I would of told
    them it was wrong to steal. This has been months now I do not
    believe my son or his wife didn’t find it. What to do now???
    Anyone have a idea?? Thank you

  • Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

    You SO forgot the neighbors who use the “Cry It Out Method” with their baby/toddler unapologetically!!!

  • karenne

    I had neighbors with unsupervised kids that tore up all my landscaping rocks, damaged my siding & windows, broke yard lights, littered my yard with broken toys, metal, gloves, bicycles (some from kids living a block away), they took my decorative rocks… also had screaming fighting neighbors, one’s that accused us of damaging their car when their kids did it. Had surly teenagers, ones that parked on my side, left ruts in my yard. I have had nice neighbors, too. Just for the record.

  • karenne

    I forgot about the ones that had very large dogs that pooped on my shoveled off winter sidewalks all winter since they never did shovel snow. That was a bother. Had plenty that let big dogs poop in the yard too, but often all their kids would play in my front yard and step in it so it seemed to even that problem out somewhat.

  • Suzy

    The neighbor that has constant traffic coming in and out of his apartment all day and night. They don’t have any consideration for the other 3 apartments in this building, or the people that live in them when they are constantly slamming the door every 5-10 minutes and making all kinds of noise at all hours. Thank god he’s finally getting evicted after 5 years of this crap! (The thing I worry about now is who’s going to move in next, and are they going to be worse than him)?

  • kelly

    How about the 24-7 noise neighbors? I have one currently where the toddler kids shriek all day, they are contantly running in an out the home (of course the stop on the screen door is broken so it slams every time), and the TV is on all night. Their residence is about 3 feet from my living room. Needless to say, I don’t spend much time there.