Opening scene: Cleopatra, from atop a pyramid, raises her arms to throngs of supporters below. Maybe she’s rallying them to war, maybe they’re celebrating her birthday, maybe she’s like, “Yo, thanks for building this pyramid. I hope King Tut doesn’t die from incest-derived genetic deformities, and I hope that when I die you bury me with all my gold rather than distributing it amongst the poor masses.” Maybe. I don’t have time to reflect as the scene changes:
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.* And then…
Jousting! Yes! I went to King Richard’s Faire last week and drank mead, a lifelong goal. Another goal of mine is to cry “WITCH!” with an angry mob and have some bitch burned at the stake for looking at me wrong.**
I’ve completely lost my train of thought.
I snap to and wonder what the commercial is about. Egypt, Asia, and the Medieval times…places I will never visit? The new Cirque de Soleil show? Not enough acrobats. Attention waning and eyes half shut, I dismissively jab, “it’s probably for vagina cream.”
IT IS. HOLY SHIT. It’s for Summer’s Eve. In predicting the most outrageous and unrelated product placement ever, I was actually correct.
The idea is that vaginas have held power for centuries- enough power to incite wars, build pyramids, make men somersault in slow motion, and either have babies or re-enact scenes from The Lion King on Broadway.
In return for being blessed with vaginas, we must wash them with Summer’s Eve, much like some wash the feet of religious or cult leaders.*** It’s a solid attempt on SE’s part, except for some disjointed logic:
1. The Vaginas of Yore were powerful…when Summer’s Eve didn’t exist. Thus, we all need Summer’s Eve.
2. The Men of Yore fought over women because they loved Vaginas…or because they viewed them as pieces of property. Either way!
= Vaginas are awesome…but only if they smell like flowers and are used to exploit the opposite sex and cause destruction. Huzzah!
= Vaginas are awesome…but only if they smell like flowers and are used to exploit the opposite sex and cause destruction. Â Huzzah!
* I have never seen this film.
** If Winona can do it in The Crucible, so can I.
*** If Summer’s Eve comes in “Frankincense” or “Myrrh,” I’m totally buying it.
**** The picture is of 90s girl group Cleopatra. They had vaginas.
This post originally appeared on Marissa Barrera’s blog Wair Blaldorf.