"After a dry spell
It's impressive how quickly
Standards are lowered."
You know what men love? When you get up real close to their ears and blow a little bit and then whisper "I'm setttling right now."
"Sometimes I wonder
How different life would be
If I had cleavage."
Miss Havisham wonders that, too. I mean, that was pretty much the whole point of 'Great Expectations'. "Better," by the way. That's how life would be. Better. Use that on your English final.
"My high school sweetheart
Has a toddler, and a gut
But I'd take him back"
Lady, you have a jaunty little hat and mesmerizing eyes. Stop selling yourself short.
"I walk home alone
Bag covered in Cheeto dust
Should this depress me?"
I mean honestly? There are better foods you could be eating. I don't mean "eat some raw amonds and kale" I mean "why not bag covered in baked Alaska crumbs?" Unless Cheetos are your favorite. I get that. The baked kind are pretty good.
"This town is alive
With everything except
Eligible men"
You know, once you stop stalking them like they're some sort of elusive prey it's actually amazing how many cool guys are around. It's almost like they're human beings! Hah, not really. Buy a stun gun.
"After a dry spell
It's impressive how quickly
Standards are lowered."
You know what men love? When you get up real close to their ears and blow a little bit and then whisper "I'm setttling right now."
"In my neighborhood
Even the homeless woman
Has a boyfriend. Sigh."
Yep, that homeless woman, she is just living the good life.
"His shoulders are broad
Like his smile. I think, maybe,
'This man could love me'"
Or you could sexually objectify him a little bit before determining whether you had similar interests are were compatible in the long run. Nah, fuck that. Text him 20 times!
"As I get older,
I can hear all of my 'whens'
Transform into 'ifs."
Hahaha, wait until you're so old you can't hear at all! Threat of impending deafness equally hilarious!
"Some advice, ladies:
When you wear wedge heels and shorts
You just look like whores."
I think that was actually supposed to go in their second book "Slutty Slutty Lady Sluts And How To Shame Them." It comes with some really fetching illustrations of Laura Ashley dresses.
"What makes me nervous
Is the thought that I'll forget
How to date at all."
Oh, but then Kate Hudson will just go and make another movie about it.
