• Thu, Oct 20 2011

That Kermit, What A Douchebag

I know we’re all excited about the Muppets movie, because oh, because people love puppets. I get that. I enjoyed Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I liked Avenue Q. I really, really like Sesame Street, particularly Cookie Monster, Oscar and the Count. So, the best characters. I like the best characters.

I just have always hated the Muppets because Kermit is such a raging asshole.

Oh, I don’t mean “asshole at first glance.” I’m totally down with the fact that Kerit has these progressive liberal ideas that I absolutely admire. ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’ is a great song. No kidding, Kermit. And he’s funny! God, who wouldn’t love Kermit? If Kermit were a man your male friends would talk about him with hushed admiration and say “he is such a good dude. He’s the kind of guy who’ll be there for you, you know?”

It’s no wonder Miss Piggy is completely in love with Kermit.

However, as far as I can tell, Kermit barely even likes Miss Piggy.

Every episode is basically dedicated to her trying to win his affections and smothering him with kisses, and him laughing at her without ever quite turning her down. I hated this premise to the show when I was a kid, because it seemed like the direct opposite of every Disney fairy tale. Because in every fairy tale, if you’re a prince, you go through all sorts of crazy adventures to win some woman, but once you do, she’s expected to be there, waiting for you, delighted to see you. Regardless of whether or not she’s ever met you before. But what about if you were a woman? Sure, Miss Piggy had all  kinds of flaws. She was vain and self-involved and loved attention too much. Still, as pigs go, she was pretty talented. She came a long way for someone born under a butcher shop sign.

Basically, what I learned from the Muppets was that you can tap dance, you can sing, you can be a movie star who made a life entirely on your own terms, you can do everything cool, but if you’re female and up-front about your affections for a man, you’re an object of ridicule.

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And you had better be satisfied with being “friends” because it’s all you’re ever going to get.

And really, in this one aspect, Kermit kind of sucks. He’s every dude you or a friend has ever dated who wants to keep things going without, you know, ever putting labels on anything. At least until someone better comes along. Check out this interview on Good Morning America:

David: Well, I’m supposed to interview you. Do you have a girlfriend?

Kermit: Oh! Well, uh. Me? Oh. Well. Uh. Well, no. Listen. I’m a — I’m a very busy frog, you see. However, on the show — the show that I’m — that I’m going to be doing, I do have a, uh, — I have a, uh — I have a young lady — well, actually, she’s a pig.

David: A pig?

Kermit: Yes. Who has a hankering for me. Have you been hankered at by a pig before?

David: Well… [ laughs ] Occasionally.

Kermit: It’s a strange kind of feeling. But, you see, it wouldn’t work out.

Dude, let’s say you had a friend who had told some guy he was the love of her life over and over and then he went on TV and laughed about how she was a pig and it wouldn’t work out. Not cool, right? The gentlemanly response is never “yes, I’m kind of seeing someone, but it will never go anyplace, so feel free to hit on me after the show, sexy frog ladies!” And clearly it’s taken some kind of toll of Miss Piggy’s psyche. No? Okay, look at this episode of Larry King:

Kermit: Well, we’re not going to actually get married, Larry, because that’s something… it’s kind of a touchy subject.

Larry: Are you saying that you and Miss Piggy have not had an intimate relationship?

Kermit: Well, it depends on how you define the word intimate, I suppose.

Larry: I leave it up to you to define. Do you define it as intimate?

Kermit: Well, we’re certainly good friends. We’ve worked very closely together. Right?

Larry: Miss Piggy, is he backing out?

Piggy: No, this is the usual response.

Larry: Oh, yeah?

Piggy: The truth is, we are married. And the truth is, I will not talk about intimate things. Moi am a lady. But we are married, and this is the public stance he must take for his fans. In private, we live together, and we’re deeply happy.

Larry: What is your married name?

Kermit: Guess he’s got you there, huh? What’s your married name, Piggy?

Dude. Miss Piggy. No. He’s never going to commit. He’s weird and slimy and evasive about the whole thing. He’s going to string you along with indefinite stuff about how you’re “good friends” and maybe sleep with you and mock you in public. He’s seemingly driven you insane. Cut bait, Miss Piggy. You are a movie star who speaks French and can tap dance effortlessly. Your hair is impeccable almost consistently.

And if Kermit had ever frogged up, and told Miss Piggy this was never going to happen, at all, instead of offering her just enough clues to keep her hanging for 40 odd years, well, that would have been helpful for her. Sometimes that’s what being a friend means. But it wouldn’t have helped him. Because Miss Piggy? She owned that show.

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  • Lisa Hix

    Jen, I’m about to go all Miss Piggy on you. Be warned. I LOVE THIS SO HARD.

  • Amy

    This was brilliant, seriously.

  • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

    “And if Kermit had ever frogged up”

    Awesome.

  • Jamie Peck

    How did I never fucking see this before? Is it embarrassing that I’m now genuinely angry on Miss Piggy’s behalf? Screw you, Kermit. You can go to hell along with all the guys I’ve “dated.”

    • Jennifer Dziura

      This!

    • Lindsay Cross

      Seconded!

  • Johnny R.

    THANK GOD someone in the press has finally talked about this. Kermit’s jerk behavior has bugged me for years. He IS a douchebag. Poor Miss Piggy. If he’s a douchebag in this new Muppets movie I’m def not going to see it!

  • Mellie Sweet

    Yes, YES! So needed to be said, ALL of it. Miss Piggy OWNED the Muppet Show, and Kermit, yes…he’s kind of a douche, at least to her. I would kinda dig seeing her fall in love with another frog and let him stew. She could do better!

  • Ru CuteGeek

    totally agree with this, well written hey, are we as women going to allow men to treat us like this? ms piggy should seriously stop waisting her tme, she could have already been married to the right guy but she is out chasing the bad boy :/ saddens me to the core!

  • Amy

    Ditch that snarky little snot, Miss Piggy – what a loser!! Go find a guy who’ll love and adore you for all your open, heartfelt wonderfulness. Frogs like him are just toxic assholes and not worth your spit, let alone your time.

  • Lynna

    Julie Klausner had a whole section about feeling like Miss Piggy in her book, and I can totally relate. I too have a penchant for skinny dudes who ride bikes and talk about being green, but would rather hang out with his buddies and never want to label things than be taken with me in all of my glamour and charm. Kermit is a total douche. I wouldn’t be surprised if his influence had a hand in raising generations of noncommittal well meaning nice guy douchebags.

    Miss Piggy can do better. How about Rolf? He plays the piano and doesn’t have the insecurities she’d get with Fozzy.

    • porkchop

      Yes! Rolf.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Actually, the office had a conversation yesterday about how Rolf was the ideal male in muppet form.

      It’s weird because I feel this way about Schroeder from Peanuts, too.

    • Valerie

      Oh, wow. My roommate and I were JUST talking about how Miss Piggy and Rolf were better suited to each other. AND how Rolf is the perfect male. Ashley, I’ve also had the same feeling about Schroeder. If he were an adult and, you know, not a cartoon….oh, if only.

      Me and my musician fixation.

  • Joe L.

    Well, Ms. Piggy is a fat pig. I don’t blame Kermit.

    • Beverly

      No she isn’t. Jim Henson once said that the idea behind Miss Piggy is the idea of a beautiful pig. You should look at the new pictures of her in InStyle Magazine – she’s gorgeous.

      And what is Kermit, anyway? He’s puny, green, eats flies and gives everybody warts. What a catch. :P

      Interesting that most of Kermit’s defenders here have been guys so far… ;)

  • Noni

    Well, there are a bunch of assholes that aren’t ready to really commit. And if there’s a guy that doesn’t want to commit, he’s not a real man-er-Muppet. I know it may be really hard for Miss. Piggy but she needs to move on!

  • Matt

    Come on. Miss Piggy has ALWAYS put her career as a star first, ahead of anything she feels for Kermit. If you offered her a choice between Kermit and an acting/modeling gig, she’d take the gig any day.

    • Beverly

      Well, I don’t blame her much for that. Her career has certainly treated her better than the frog ever has. If he didn’t treat her like dirt, maybe he’d be first in her life, hmmmm?

  • Chuck Farley

    No way. She is a manipulator. Kermit invites her to ice cream, she manipulates him into taking her to Hollywood. They get married as an act in a play, she manipulates it into a real marriage by deceivingly hiring a real minister. She gets a job as an assistant, and claims she is a TV Journalist. She twists everything just to get what’s best for her!

    • Paige

      Well, in the show, she was constantly put down, insulted, pushed aside, not believed in. People got the idea that she did what she had to in order to survive and become a star. Of course, when MALES do that, they’re admired, and become stars of shows like “The Apprentice.”

      And I got the idea, watching the Muppet show, that Kermit would sacrifice anyone and anything to keep the show going. He was pretty ruthless. Frankly I never liked Kermit much until I saw the Muppet movie. He was a different person in that than he was in the show.

      I think the people who write for the Muppets are scared to say either yes or no as to Piggy and Kermit being a couple. And so it’s become exaggerated. Kermit looks like a heartless jerk and Piggy looks desperate. Between the two of them though, I feel sorrier for her.

  • MR

    The two interviews don’t read well for Kermit. I mean a guy in his mid-teens through his mid-twenties has an argument for being noncommital. But 40 years? – definately a muppet not a man. Of course there are women who choose to date muppets and not men.

  • StanleyRumm

    Have you _seen_ what Ms. Piggy does when she hears something she doesn’t like? Who could blame Kermit for not wanting to confront that?

  • Meppy

    I think it’s worth noting that on the flip side, Gonzo is a pretty great boyfriend. For him, it’s always been Camilla. He may have wandering eyes and occasionally look at other chickens (and Big Bird at one point)- but he clearly adores her, all the way from Muppet Babies (http://youtu.be/JDS4cQFPwoQ) to the Muppet Show (http://youtu.be/6A-k2jOlW8w) to the current movie, where she sports a sensible pair of glasses and helps him run his plumbing business. I’m just sayin’: it may be weird to see an alien dating a chicken, but they seem happy and that’s a pretty healthy relationship for a couple of puppets.

  • TheOrigamiGuy

    You’re reading a little too much into it, folks. Kermit always tried to keep a professional face showing during the whole show, and tolerated Piggy’s antics.
    If he said it wouldn’t work, that’s because they were DIFFERENT SPECIES.

    (and if you can recall in the movies, Kermit was WED to Piggy in “Christmas Carol”, and rekindled their romance in “Treasure Island”.

    I won’t stick up for the demeaning jerk humans who’ve treated their “dates” badly – and bear in mind that it cuts both ways, ladies. I’ve had my heart broken by girls so many times that I now patch my heart together with Velcro.

    So please don’t diss the frog, folks. Henson didn’t start a dream of wonder with some kind of misogynistic asshole. Take the Muppets as a whole for what they were intended.

    If you want to diss puppets misbehaving badly, go watch “Meet The Feebles”…but for God’s sakes don’t let the KIDS see it.