• Tue, Oct 25 2011

My Own Slut-O-Ween Story: I Was Naked

Throughout my college years, I struggled with choosing a Halloween costume that would be both appealing and cover my lady bits. You see, budding feminist though I was, I still couldn’t squelch my desire to look attractive. At the same time, October is a f—ng cold month and I wasn’t about to drop $60 on the same “sexy sailor” outfit everyone else would be wearing. I needed to get creative.

Freshman year, a group of us did Risky Business.I wore boxers under my uncle’s dress shirt but got mistaken for “The Morning After” or “The Walk of Shame.” It was bullshit! In my experience, my walks of shame included my actual mini dress and heels from the night before, combined with a dehydrated pallor and smudged mascara. If you find a college guy who will actually lend you one of the three internship button-downs he owns, let me know. I’d date him.

Sophomore year, I was Blair Waldorf. At the time, my 50% employees discount at an upscale retailer funded my outfit. No man knew what I was, but I basked in the glow of females who recognized me as my favorite TV villain.

Junior year I was Holly Golightly. Again, resting on my laurels as brunette.

Senior year, it all came together. Well, the story is this:

When I was in elementary school, we had “pajama day.” Because I was a liar and because I wanted attention, I told my entire family that a boy had worn a nude bodysuit because he slept in the buff. They thought it was hilarious. As I regaled them with stories of the controversial costume, I congratulated myself for having such a great idea. I’d always thought it was hysterical; now I had validation.

[tagbox tag="slutoween"]

So yeah, senior year I decided to be what everyone wanted me to be anyway: naked. My sister actually thought I’d gone crazy when I explained that I’d lied as a child and would now finally don the costume I’d invented 13 years prior. Whatever. I already knew she thought it was funny when she was 5, so her opinion didn’t matter to me now.

Ordering a nude bodysuit was a bitch. I’m sorry, but Googling “nude body stocking” and “flesh colored leotard” is not a pleasant experience. Did you know people wear them for sex? Now you do. There’s a hole in the crotch and, anyway…

About a week before Halloween, I found myself screaming at the woman from the dance supply store. I’d ordered my bodysuit weeks ago, and it still hadn’t arrived. No, I did not want it after Halloween. What the HELL would I do with a nude-colored body stocking after HALLOWEEN?! Jesus! She over-nighted it at no additional cost.

I have to say, the costume was a success. What better way to say “f— you” to society’s pressures to strip down? Of course, at 7, I’m pretty sure I just thought being naked was hilarious. Again, whatever.

I was free, I was flexible, I could climb shit and run without flashing my undies. It was amazing! This is why I wear leggings whenever possible. The downside was, I was dealing with some ex-boyfriend drama at the time, he was at the bar, and I figured the best way to handle wearing a body stocking in your ex’s presence was to drink a Four Loko (RIP) and wear sunglasses. I spent the night flashing people and yelling, “WOOO!” but it didn’t matter how obnoxious I was, again, because my costume was awesome.

Would I wear it again? Yes. The thing is balled up in a plastic bag somewhere and hasn’t been touched since. I think it’d be useful in a number of ways, say, camouflage in the desert or interpretive dance. I won’t cut a hole in it because it cost, like, 40 bucks.

This year, the quandary came up again: what to be that isn’t “slutty*” but is still appealing and/or hilarious? Readers, I have two options: Black Swan (I love that it screams “yes, I am a dainty ballerina but I WILL END YOU; also, I used to dance; also, bottle of Black Swan chardonnay non-negotiable) or Susan B. Anthony (obvs with a mini skirt).

I’d love your opinion.

*against slut-shaming

This week, TheGloss is celebrating slut-o-ween and is accepting submissions about your own slut-o-ween costume. The best story will win a prize from TheGloss.

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  • Meghan Keane

    That is awesome. And now you can just add an iPhone and go as a “hacked” celebrity.

  • mollie

    you should def go with the slutty woman’s suffragist costume, obvi

  • Lindsay

    I bought the same nude body suit you have and am using it as a troll costume! All you need to add is hairspray/color and a sparkly gem ;-)