• Tue, Oct 25 2011

Video: Is Your Halloween Candy Possessed By Demons?

If the potential health detriments of gorging yourself on Halloween candy are not enough to keep you away from the stuff (and let’s be honest, they’re not), try this rumor on for size: in addition to empty calories, pus, and bug parts, the miniature Twix bars you so cavalierly hand out to neighborhood children could contain Satan himself!

That’s right, I said Satan. In an article published by both Charisma Mag and Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network (which has since removed it), minister/exorcist Kimberly Daniels writes of the dangers lurking within each fun-size tootsie roll. Here are some choice excerpts:

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I had no idea the Hershey factory was employing witches and warlocks! Is this a job one can do during one’s off hours from blogging? If so, I’m tentatively interested, provided there are stock options.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

What about during the non-Halloween season? If I were a candy demon bent on destroying as many souls as possible, I surely would not limit my hours of operation to just one month out of the year, because that would be horribly inefficient.

Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

Stock options and bloody moon parties? Now I’m really interested. Being a witch sounds like good times.

She goes on to discuss some of the other activities witches engage in, such as having sex with demons, “revel nights,” and casting spells, but all I can hear in my head is “rad, rad, rad.” She also refers to “time-released” curses against the innocent, which I can only assume are similar to time-released Adderall in that the innocent can simply crush them up and snort them, should they want the full effect at once.

In conclusion, Halloween candy is awesomer than you ever thought possible. Go out and eat a bunch of it, for Satan.

(Via Fork In The Road)

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  • Steve P

    The people who make a fuss about Halloween ignore the real “demons” of the world. I wonder what Pat Robertson would say to this: http://stevetacitus.tumblr.com/post/11919025526

  • Lu

    Totally explains everything. And by everything I mean my ever-expanding ass.

    I knew it wasn’t the “calories,” “fat,” or “preservatives.” And everyone knows it’s not the high fructose corn syrup. Really, did anyone think this deadly obesity epidemic was the fault of harmless Fun Size candy bars? It’s the CANDY DEMONS!

    Witches. Are Cursing. My Ass.

    I bet they got the Happy Meals, too. Devious.

  • Sarah

    As a witch – I am laughing way too hard at this to be offended. Have a happy Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve/Halloween everyone!

    • Steve P

      Sarah, maybe your response it the best after all. Fanatics of any stripe absolutely can not stand being laughted at.

  • Steve P

    Check this out. Show it to your conservative friends. http://stevetacitus.tumblr.com/post/12248006154

  • Steve P

    And now Ayatollah Robertson is at it again: http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201202090006