My Own Slut-O-Ween Story: Sexy Quail Man

Hello, I’m Sam!

You know how people whose birthdays fall really close to Christmas kind of get the shit end of the stick? I feel the opposite about my birthday, which is two days before Halloween. Growing up, I always got to have really fun costume/birthday parties, got tons of Halloween-related gifts, and my mother made me the coolest costumes because she’s rad and knew how much it meant to me. It was always so fun! So elaborate!…And also, it was so much work that my parents did for me on my costume/makeup/accessories/etc.

Now, I do makeup professionally, so people always assume I’ll be doing something bizarre or interesting or outrageous for my costumes. In all actuality, I tend to be so tired of doing a billion people’s makeup that week for different Halloween parties that I end up just drawing a lightning bolt on my face and, depending on the location of said lightning, telling people I’m David Bowie or Harry Potter. Lazy and totally un-creative, I know.

On Halloween 2009, I was working all day and, having totally forgotten to find a costume, had resigned myself to just wearing a tutu and heels and being Lara Flynn Boyle’s outfit from the 2003 Golden Globes. I know, also lazy and totally un-creative but it was the best I could come up with at the time.

It was also my sophomore year of college and there is certainly something to be said about the pressure to dress up as something “sexy.” I had friends going as hot Dorothy or bodacious Superman or sexy packs of [insert any feline-type animal ever]. Don’t get me wrong–I was totally open to this idea. I had sprouted 36Ds in the past few years and I’m very comfortable with my sexuality. I tried on all their sexy little costumes but decided against wearing any because I just felt anything but sexy. My curves looked more like lumps. My boobs felt like they were slowly but surely being pushed up towards my chin a la Ginger Spice. (Seriously, on a side note: why do those companies always use the clingiest, most bunchy, unflattering material ever made? I felt like somebody could’ve actually counted how many doughnut holes I ate that day just based on how tight those ridiculous outfits are. WHY DOESN’T HALLOWEEN LOVE COTTON BLENDS, TOO?)

I was desperately trying to come up with something interesting when a girl that was sitting next to me at work started singing the Doug theme song. You know, that “doo doo doo do do do doo doo doo do do” sort of tune? And that’s when I realized that Quail Man was totally the perfect costume for me.

All I needed was a cape that I could just draw a giant “Q” on, a belt to tie around my head, some underwear to put over brown shorts and voila! My childhood hero’s hero. I mean, I don’t think Quail Man had false eyelashes or jewels on his face or blue hair or red platforms but, y’know, Quail Man’s possibly-attention-seeking twin sister does, so…ta-da! All evening, people came up behind me and sang either “Banging on a Trashcan” or the Doug Theme, and then we’d just sit and talk about Kenan & Kel, All That, and Pete & Pete. It was one of the better conversation-starting costumes I’ve ever worn. There was even a guy dressed as Skeeter at the party! We didn’t even know each other, but we snagged a drunken, Nickelodeon-loving photo together.

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    • Ashley Cardiff

      Impressively amazing.

    • traci

      i think you just gave me an idea for a costume!

    • Megan

      Win. Solid win.

    • Ash Stockemer

      you’re amazing sam!