• Thu, Oct 27 2011

My Own Slut-O-Ween Story: Sexy Stalin

Ah, Sexy Stalin.

My senior year of college, there was a cute guy I worked with, but he was way more into partying than I was. I had some weird times trying to follow this dude in his clubbing ways, like the time we were at a conference in New York together and it somehow turned into a thing with a Jacuzzi and flavored lube and getting in trouble with the B&B owner, and then later he ditched me while I was having a panic attack at an NYC club where I knew no one.

In retrospect he was maybe not the best target for my efforts. Anyway, by Halloween I still hadn’t realized he was a turdburger, and though I hadn’t ever been to a big Halloween club bash, he was going to one, so I was going. But I hadn’t planned any kind of costume and I had few funds at my disposal for one of those fancy “real” costumes. I also didn’t want to be super overtly sexy and lame and forward because then he’d think I was dressing up for him, and of course I wasn’t, I’m just a super confident hilarious gal who is naturally sexy. Yeah!

So here’s what I had lying around my apartment that could be costume-worthy: an old too-short lab coat, and one of those big furry Russian hats with a Communist star that my friend had brought me from Moscow. I had been dying to wear it somewhere, since it was hilarious but inappropriate for normal people times. Thank God for Halloween!

But what could I do with it? Be a generic communist lady? Lame. And then I thought of that famous propaganda picture of Stalin looking towards the future with big moustache and angry brows, and I thought maybe, juuuust maybe, if I used all of my witty creativity and sexy sexiness it could perhaps be recreated. I could be a Stalin in the face via eyebrow pencil and fake moustache, and a Party in the bod with a Russian-esque winter overcoat and lingerie underneath. Perfect! –the ironic, funny, yet disturbingly sexy combination I was going for. Just look at Stalin, Putin obviously learned his moves from the O.G. Except for the mass murder.

Speaking of which, I know that in America, Stalin is really not regarded as badly as, say, Hitler, but looking back I now feel pretty bad for dressing up as a fucking murdering dictator. I mean, what kind of crazy and offensive lengths was I capable of just to impress a guy? Who turned out to be kind of a douche and totally ditched me at this very same Halloween party as well? Honestly, I kind of think that by this point in my college education I was so burned out and generally desperate that I was not capable of critical thinking or future planning. I mean, that hat and overcoat were obviously going to be stifling hot in the club, but I didn’t want to take off the coat because of the extreme skimpiness of my undies, and I was too embarrassed by the epic hat-head I got from that fake fur smothering my brain to take off the hat, which made a vicious cycle of embarrassing disgusting sweaty hair. And my moustache fell off so the costume made no sense anyway. “Heavily eyebrowed Communist ho?” Yeah no. I got some compliments but by the end of the night I was sweaty and dirty and gross and without a date.

Alone and sweaty

Thank god my fiancée doesn’t like to party and is easily impressed. Now I wear a big felt banana costume from Target every year. To my guy, that’s sexy. Thank God.

This week, TheGloss is celebrating slut-o-ween and is accepting submissions about your own slut-o-ween costume. The best story will win a prize from TheGloss.

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  • cakesandshakes

    So funny, I love this post! Sexy Stalin, indeed… I also appreciate the desperate last-minute panic can be avoided by dressing as a giant piece of fruit. Why didn’t I think of this? Witches are so clichéd. And if dressing as a Communist dictator were what shook off the ‘turdburger’ then try to look back on the experience positively : )

    Cakes
    http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com

  • D.

    How offensive…a murderous communist dictator is not something to take lightly, especially blahblahblah….LOL I am in love with your costume. I am (attempting) to learn Russian and more about the history. I am not a full blown Russo-phile, but it is the first place on my list of nations that I want to learn more about. Oh how envious am I…sexy Hitler?? Not even close.

    • nicole diaz nelson

      lol thank you! that’s exactly how i feel about it. there’s just something alluring about the great russia isn’t there?

  • Marcell Rodden

    You can run my dictatorship, tovarisch.

  • Donald Perry

    Sometimes can produce us panic and we cannot avoid it when I have panic shakes me the entire body.

  • Donald Perry

    Sometimes can produce us panic and we cannot avoid it when I have panic shakes me the entire body.

    Donald Perry
    Antianxiety-Drugs.com