Liz Jones Stole Her Boyfriend’s Sperm, Thinks You Will, Too

The most horrifying thing we’ve read today comes to us courtesy of Liz Jones, who stole her boyfriend’s sperm. Don’t worry, it’s something most ladies do! What? Why? How? Here is why and how:

Because he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.

The ‘theft’ itself was alarmingly easy to carry out. One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo.

We seriously object the use of the phrase “did what I had to do” as though this was somehow comparable to stealing a loaf of bread so your family wouldn’t starve. There is no “had to do” in this example.

I don’t understand why more men aren’t wise to this risk — maybe sex addles their brain. So let me offer a warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.

Men: odds are, she is peeing. Or, if you want a more ladylike image, she is brushing her teeth and taking out her contacts so she can go to bed. Please do not start barging into the restroom unannounced, despite the fact that Liz Jones has made it sound like  “the only reason a woman goes into the restroom is to insert your used sperm with a turkey baster.” [tagbox tag="Liz Jones"]

As it turned out, my attempts to get pregnant by Trevor failed, and shortly afterwards he and I split up.

Thank God. What a scary, awful, manipulative way to bring a child into the world. But that’s not all!

If there are any men out there even contemplating getting close to a woman in her late 30s or early 40s, I suggest you tread very carefully.

She might be the woman for you; she might be totally honest if she says she doesn’t want to rush into motherhood. But she might also be a duplicitous creature willing to go to any lengths to fulfil her dreams of having a family.

No! No! Stop speaking for all women, Liz Jones! Those are not normal, well adjusted women! They are not even adjusted women!

And if you do feel like you might be turning into someone who is going to use used sperm to impregnate yourself, just tell you boyfriend. The pressure on a woman to have children within a certain timeframe is immense. Just be honest about it. It’s possible that you can find a way to make it work, or you can move on to someone else who is more family oriented (and despite what Liz Jones says, there are plenty of good, stable guys out there who are – they just aren’t dating women who only go to the bathroom to steal sperm). Or you can consider whether you’d be willing to become a single parent. Either way, talk about it and be honest. Partly because that’s a decent way to treat someone you want to have children with, and partly because if you succeed in impregnating yourself off of their stolen sperm, there is a good chance they aren’t going to want to stick with you anyway. Because that’s as much a violation of trust as it would be if some guy started punching pinholes in a condom before you used it. It’s just crazy. It is balls to the walls, seven kinds of loonbat crazy.

Please, please, please, do not ever be like Liz Jones. Yes, we might have said this when we learned of her irrational love/hate relationship with Christina Hendricks’ breasts.

But please. If you feel like this is something you’re going to do, just e-mail me, okay? From a bathroom if need be! JUST DON’T DO THIS! OKAY? PROMISE? Good.

To check out other crazy things Liz Jones has said, go here.

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    • Kai

      Liz Jones is a scary, scary lady, but it’s tough to criticize her too harshly. Her talk of disordered eating, horrible finances, unhealthy relationships (with men, friends and family) all signal that her publisher needs to stop being so irresponsible and cut off her mouthpeice.
      I’m obviously guilty of being part of the problem as a reader, but Jones’ life is like some horrible reality show being filmed without producers to step in during the really dangerous stunts.

    • professordarkheart

      I saw the title of this post and had to read on to figure out how on earth anyone could have convinced herself that there was any chance I would steal THAT guy’s sperm.

    • MM

      Once my friend & I were discussing some feminist issue in a coffee shop and some guy butted into our conversation and basically said that feminism was a lie because some women steal men’s sperm and then the poor men have to pay child support. Apparently this outweighs every other inequality! Who would have thought.

      • Ella Jane Goeppinger

        try http://www.reddit.com/r/shitredditsays. you will see A LOT of that.

      • Ogreinthebasement

        And just what inequalities would those be? You mean the inequalities that allow women to receive lower sentences for the same crime, or perhaps you’re referring to affirmative action, or mandatory arrests in domestic violence cases that require the officer the arrest the “biggest aggressor.” Or perhaps you’re talking about affirmative action laws that require a business to hire a certain amount of women regardless of whether or not there are more qualified men. BTW, I like how you just brush aside the threat of women to essentially steal their sperm to create an unwanted pregnancy and then be forced to pay for said child for the next 18 years. I expect you’ll “defend” your position by claiming that I’m just bitter because I can’t get a woman or that I obviously wasn’t raised right, which is fine with me. It’s typical of misinformed cultural Marxists to use any tactic except to actually address the issues. Have a nice day.

    • Jamie Peck

      Oh dear.

    • Christa

      Also, I have been told one way to avoid UTIs if you tend to get them a lot, is to pee before and after sex. So yeah, another non-insemination reason for going to the bathroom straight after sex.

    • TB

      “balls to the walls, seven kinds of loonbat crazy.” <— that sentance made my Friday.

    • Daisy

      That’s disturbing. Especially because she suggests that all women in their 30s and 40s are doing this. Wt.?

    • Eileen

      “I bought him food and live with him, so that totally entitles me to have his child against his wishes.”

      And yeah, a friend who gets a lot of UTIs told me – since I’ve never had one – to make sure always to pee after having sex because UTIs suck. So I do. I leave the condom in the trash because I am a normal person.

    • Tom

      “No! No! Stop speaking for all women, Liz Jones! Those are not normal, well adjusted women! They are not even adjusted women!”

      Because we all know the vast majority of single, never-married women in their late 30s and 40s are extremely normal, well adjusted people.

      • britt

        Who said anything about never married? Most likely they have been married and are now divorced.

      • Kathy

        Way to generalize. What a nice guy.

      • Tobi

        Tom, your pathetic generalization sort of makes you sound like Liz Jones herself.

        How ironic.

    • meow mow mow

      this shit is fucking creepy, i would kill that bitch lol.

    • Abernacky

      Wow. What a crazy bitch.

    • RD

      This, men, is why you utilize the Tabasco strategy. Take off the used condom, dump some Tabasco into it. Bonus points if you use your own hot sauce made with habaneros.

      • Courtney

        So that you can do something just as horrible as what she did…? Not to mention dangerous. Why not be the bigger person and deal with it maturely instead of like a child, seriously.

      • Not Courtney

        @Courtney

        “So that you can do something just as horrible as what she did…?”

        Did you really just equate bringing a child into this world by subversive means and getting a man on the hook for the child for 18 years without his consent after pretending to use protection to prevent the unwanted pregnancy …

        with the idea of putting tobasco in a used condom?

        If a girl is lying to me and picking my used condoms out of the trash to secretly get herself pregnant she would deserve such a fate.

      • Courtney is Retarded

        Courtney, I seriously hope you’re joking, but unfortunately I don’t think you are. If you are so stupid that you actually believe that putting tabasco sauce into the used condom is even in the same universe as stealing someone’s sperm to get pregnant without their consent, well, then I have no hope for you whatsoever. Why don’t you take your dolls and run back into your run to play.

    • Lainey

      I love crazy people! How boring would life be without them.

    • DoesntMatter

      Obviously the woman is insane, but I find it interesting that she generalizes women. I guess in her mind, saying that women do this and women do that somehow rationalizes her peculiar behavior. Well Liz, it doesn’t. You are cuckoo for cocoa puffs and you do not represent every woman. You represent the crazies.

    • Alexis

      Jennifer, you are hilarious.

    • Dick

      Most condoms contain a spermicide–after all this sociopath failed in her attempt to highjack seed–luckily for the figuative offspring. Also–can you say–VASECTOMY! Batshit-crazy-loony. If I wasn’t gay before I read this–I am now. Liz Jones has gotten me off the fence about my sexuality. I am a raging homo now.

    • shah

      Dark side of every FEMINIST !

      • CigsandCoffee

        Yeah, not that it will probably matter to you but this bat shit crazy is proudly anti-feminist.

    • Shiantric Gozon

      stealing boyfriend’s sperm? what is she up to nowadays? lol

      Charles Brown – Blogger
      Ever wonder how to orgasm? It’s certainly not as easy as it’s made to look in the movies.

    • Dan

      I find it interesting that this article ignores the part where Liz Jones cites a study that says 42% of women in a certain age group have confessed to being willing to get pregnant via subterfuge. Maybe she’s full of crap. That certainly seems like way too big a number to me. But she is hardly just generalizing based on her own experience. She has anecdotal evidence from several other women and at least one study that backs up her argument that this is something that is far more common than Jennifer Wright is willing to admit. Is Ms. Jones wrong? Did she make up the study? I don’t know, but it would be helpful if Ms. Wright actually looked into the facts before simply claiming that nobody does this.

    • mcaplanov

      liz jones is an idiot. sperm dies when exposed to oxygen. after reading her “there are free libraries on the internet where people can educate themselves” comment, i have to say she needs to take her own suggestion. what a f”"”"ing joke this woman is