• Fri, Nov 18 2011

I Don’t Find Ryan Gosling Sexy

Sorry!

I know you do! And I want you to know that if I ever met Ryan Gosling -who seems like a very nice person - I would happily set you up with him. “I have this great friend Ryan,” I’d say, as we sipped martinis in a place called fantasyland “you and he would really hit it off. In fact, here’s his number. Give him a call, because he’s terrific and only gives nice answers to Real Talks.”

And then you would eye me suspiciously and say “then why don’t you want to date him?”

This is why: because I find his defining trait to be “niceness.” I’m not saying that is a bad trait. I think it’s the reason that there are memes devoted to women wanting Ryan Gosling to sit around and feed ducks in a pond with them. I think it is very easy to picture him sitting there softly saying “hey girl: I’d like to spend the whole day walking through a park with you.” That is a very nice way to go through life. I like the way he breaks up fights over paintings, as though he’s some being sent from a better planet to show us how to behave to each other. As a result, I cannot imagine anyone whose bones I less want to jump.

Now, partly that’s because, I imagine when Ryan Gosling has sex, he does not have sex. He makes love. And, I mean, hell, I love cuddling as much as the next girl. And I think Ryan Gosling probably goes down on ladies for, I don’t know, three hours or something. But I can’t imagine that Ryan Gosling is someone who could push you against a wall and do you, at least not without talking about how you felt about it first. I am trying to very, very hard, and I cannot imagine having, say elevator sex with Ryan Gosling because I think Ryan Gosling would say “hey girl, you can’t stop the elevator right now, that’s going to make so many people late for work!” And, I mean, he’d be right, and he would go down on you for 7 hours when you got home, but still. [tagbox tag="Ryan-Gosling"]

I feel like Ryan Gosling is the guy we fantasize about when our boyfriends are being jerks. He’s a much more attractive version of the male friend that you call to talk about how your boyfriend is a jerk with. And, admittedly, I have not seen  Drive but I feel like every movie plays he plays some version of that guy who feels you. Even in Crazy, Stupid, Love when he’s ostensibly some kind of bad boy who has a lot of one night stands, all the women he interacts with seem to really like him. No one seems like they call the next day to tell him they feel used. I secretly think that’s because they did not have one night stands so much as they went to a park and fed ducks, but that’s just me.

Fuck, I even feel this was about All Good Things wherein he plays a (possibly) wife murdering cross-dresser. He can walk around doing all the maybe-killing he wants onscreen but he’s still going to seem like… well, like a man who is extremely in touch with his feelings.

Part of being sexy, to me, is seeming like you are the kind of person who takes what they want when they want it (insofar as it is legal and socially acceptable). It implies, maybe, to some extent, being a bit of a jerk. George Clooney seems like he fits that definition. Bradley Cooper even seems like he fits that definition. Ryan Gosling will always strike me as the kind of man who asks politely for things.

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • Fabel

    In my head, I was like YESSS as soon as I saw this title. I heard an opinion expressed on the radio this morning “You know who deserved the title of sexiest man alive? Ryan Gosli–” and I changed the station. (Great story, I know) But seriously, although he is a perfectly attractive man, there’s nothing I find sexy about him.

    Also, the elevator scenario– YES. Not going to tell any personal tales, but I’ll just say it’s not a turn-on when guys start verbalizing practical concerns over the public sex scenario you’ve propositioned to them. (Bradley Cooper would never do that!)

  • Cindy

    Ugh, me either. He looks so… Christian youth leader

  • sosuemi

    oh bb you can take your male chav and give him a blow job. Also Ryan could be different than what you imagined, u don’t know him.

    • Olivia

      Wtf

  • Kelly

    Do I just not understand Ryan Gosling? I definitely would think of him as the throw-me-against-the-wall type. For me the appeal is that he is such a nice guy when it actually matters (breaking up fights, loving his dog), but sexy and manly all the other times.

    Or is this just the idealized version of Baby Goose I’ve concocted in my head because he’s so hot and I want him to be perfect?

    • Ruby

      This is how I imagine him to be too, and nobody can convince me otherwise!

    • Dees

      I was about to say, I’ve ALWAYS imagined him as “gentleman in the streets, freak in the sheets” type. He is a Scorpio after all…

  • porkchop

    I’m sure Gosling is doing fine without our support–I’m not into Bradley Cooper or George Clooney either. Handsome men just don’t do it for me.

  • Kai

    I agree with you. Gosling is cute but never raised my libido. Michael Fassbender on the other hand, now that’s the real Sexiest Man Alive!

    • Jen

      I just had this exact conversation with my best friend. Ryan doesn’t do a thing for me, but Fassbender… oh my. Pretty sure my pants just fell off.

    • Jennifer Wright

      OH MY GOD MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

      (And also, he is Magneto, so that’s sexy, right there. Right?)

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I have crushing guilt over how attractive I find Michael Fassbender in Fish Tank.

    • Jenn1988

      @ Ashley Cardiff: “I have crushing guilt over how attractive I find Michael Fassbender in Fish Bowl.”

      Are you serious?? What a disgusting comment.

      Michael Fassbender played a eurotrash deadbeat dad and cheating husband who left his wife to go screw a mother and then her teen daughter.

      The teen girl was only like 14 or 15 which made his character a PEDOPHILE who statutorily raped a teenaged girl who he was becoming a FATHER-FIGURE to because he was dating her mom. He was also a DEADBEAT father to his own little girl who he abandoned. You find all his sexy? I think you need some professional help, sweetie.

      I have no idea what he’s like in real life but in that movie his character made me sick. And that was EXACTLY the intention when they were writing his character. The director of the film said he was a full blown creep. So I don’t understand how anyone in their right mind could find that sexy.

      You need a good shrink to sort you out.

  • Eileen

    I just don’t think he’s handsome.

  • goldie

    THANK YOU. my god, i don’t think he’s that attractive, like his face is just meh. and he does look like a christian youth leader, that is an excellent observation.

  • Sue

    Since when is “niceness” a crime? Yes, he needs a little more “bad boy” edginess but it seems most women want the unattainable.

  • Marisa

    I don’t find him attractive because the first movie I saw him in was “The Believer” where he was a crazy anti-Semitic skinhead. Now whenever I see pictures of him I’m like, “No! It’s that creepy neo-Nazi guy!” Heh.

    • DebMoore

      I feel the same way about Ryan Renyolds! Sure he is cute but everyone just goes on and on about how sexy he is and I just don’t see it. But I think it has to do with the fact that when I was young RR was on some Canadian Teenage Soap Opera and his charater was a whiney little bitch. Whiney little bitches are NOT sexy and thats all I see when I see him!

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    I think he’s good-looking in as objective a way as attractiveness can be. If you like the kind of attractive he is, he is exactly perfect. It’s just not the type of attractive I find pants-droppingly hot.

  • MR

    I must admit I was kinda taken aback by this. I have had spontaneous sex in open and public places – in fact when I was younger, parks were one of my favorite places. But I also consider myself to be a nice guy. To me he’s a guy who is not capable of dumping on a woman after she makes love with him. I’ve always lived by that creed.

  • Dora

    Speaking of being intimate in the elevator, you should see Drive for sure. There is an epic scene in which Ryan kisses Carey Mulligan in the elevator, but then proceeds to bash the head of the guy next to him in a gory manner! He is such a sexy badass in Drive, not his usual clean-cut character he’s been known for!

  • jenny

    i’m sorry you don’t find him sexy. actually, i’m not.

    this brings me that much closer to a chance at dating him. 1 girl down! 4 gazillion to go!

    unlike you, i’d gladly feed ducks in a park with ryan gosling every day for the rest of my life.

    • Meaghan

      Amen sista!

  • LCT

    YES!!! So glad I’m not the only one.
    Sure, he has a good body, but those are kind of a dime a dozen, you know? His face looks…weird…to me. Too long and pointy-chinned. And his eyes are too close together.
    Ah well. Whatever floats your boat, right?

  • jaime

    I totally would have agreed with this article if it were 3 months ago. I didnt get it … at all. and i had seen the notebook even and just didnt get it. The i went to the theatre and saw drive. Its probably the best movie ive seen in years. and he is sexy in it. and i dont think the sexiness has to do with his looks its something beyond that. Then i saw the ides of march which was so good… he out-acted everyone in that movie and if you know the cast it a pretty huge deal. Of course then i had to re watch all his movies and now i totally get it. I challenge anyone who doesnt find him sexy to watch drive, ides and crazy stupid love and then also watch some interviews like fallon, kimmel adn conan, then tell me how you feel about him.

    • M.chbrs

      Jamie: Yes. Totally.

  • Lea

    You’re going to piss off Amelia over at the frisky ;)

  • Alexandra

    I completely agree to this! He’s cute and probably suuuuper nice but I’d friend zone him so bad, I’d forget he even is a man with a functioning penis. He’d go straight to the category ‘I love you as a friend and you can paint my nails and help me bra shop, but the idea of dating/sexing makes me want to pull my insides out.’

    • MR

      Do guys actually bra shop with women these days? Thank god I was born in the early ’60s. No surprise you believe the man doesn’t have a functioning penis. You know when I’m with a woman for awhile, she often tries on different outfits for me before we go out and asks my opinion. And yes, there are times when we don’t actually make it to out. The only thing I know about bras is how to undo them.

    • Elle

      oh, born in the 60s? That explains so many stupid comments you leave here. Hopefully you’ll have a heart attack soon and get out of the way of men who aren’t dinosaurs.

  • Georgia

    Michael Fassbender is the sexiest man alive.

  • Cherie Samba

    Hatuuuuuuuurs! This article made me laugh so hard I felt guilty. Give the guy a break, I wouldn’t mind having a nice guy who wants to feed ducks instead of pushing me against the wall to jump my bones for once…maybe for a day or two then we have to change routine because my attention to feed ducks will be completely different from his…He’s feeding them because nature is beautiful and I’m feeding them to fatten them up…yeah. Anyways, I wouldn’t mind a 3 hours feast on me.

  • Richard

    Omg totally!

  • João

    Is it me or some people are basing his personality on the characters he played?Yeah yeah he may seem to be the nice guy type and what not,but you don’t really know him.

    Don’t judge the man so quickly.

  • e.plath

    “But I can’t imagine that Ryan Gosling is someone who could push you against a wall and do you, at least not without talking about how you felt about it first.” OMG you`re so wrong or you just think Ryan is a guy from Notebook movie.
    You would be quite surprised that Ryan is not “that sweet” at all ;)