Say Yes To The Mess: Be Thankful You’re Not Marrying Edward Cullen

edward cullen married bella swan

There are a lot of things that can go wrong on your wedding day. In fact, there’s a possibility that you might screw up your marriage altogether. But you know what you should be thankful not having to worry about? Your fiance getting overly excited and devouring your wedding guests before the ceremony. Or him breaking your bones during your honeymoon. Or impregnating you with a half demon baby that eats its way out of your womb.

Congratulations! You’re not marrying a vampire. Because why? Because maybe I went to see Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) this weekend. And fuck. I never thought I’d feel so bad for Kristen Stewart having to marry Robert Pattinson. But Bella Cullen’s marriage looks like the worst marital fate a teenager could end up with.

Let’s put aside the whole fear about your vampire husband/fiance having to fight back the daily impulse to suck your blood and bleed you dry. I could go along with the whole dreamy Edward Cullen, sparkly vampire hotness in the first two movies.

Because he was such a paragon of control. He didn’t want to kill his beloved Bella. And even though she was a hot blooded teenager who just wanted to knock boots with him, he respected her too much to let her do it. How chivalrous!

But then she convinced him they should get married, and he should turn her into a vampire so that they could be together forever and have happily married sex for the rest of eternity.

And that’s where things get all screwed up and Edward Cullen turns into an actually terrible fiance/husband. Which is funny, because often times the person you’re dating is much different than the person you’re engaged to/end up marrying.

However! Even if your beloved boyfriend turns into the kind of guy who can’t be bothered to get involved with your wedding plans and stops wanting to hang out with your friends after he puts a ring on your finger, chances are he won’t fly up to your room the night before your wedding and try to talk you out of marrying him.

It’s at this point that Bella’s life choices really start to become questionable. I was surprised that no one in my theater screamed out “Run, bitch!” at this point. Because this is when Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part-Come-See-Another-One-Of-These-In-Six-Months) officially turns into a horror movie.

Literally, the next thing that happens is Bella walks down the aisle to see her fiance in an atrocity of a white tuxedo. If that weren’t bad enough, when she gets to the alter, she is standing on a pile of bloody bodies that turn out to be all of her closest loved ones who had shown up to attend her wedding.

And here’s a word of warning for anyone having a bout of cold feet in the process of planning a wedding: If your subconscious thinks your fiance is going to kill all of your friends and family, you probably shouldn’t marry him! In fact, you should walk away slowly, make up some story about being embarrassed to tell your dad that you’re going to be a vampire in a month and hope that he doesn’t bleed you out for pissing him off.

But that’s not what our heroine Bella does! She dons a long silky dress and continues to obfuscate the details of her fiance’s glittery skin to her parents and goes on with her wedding.

At this point, I couldn’t help thinking about all the pressures that brides feel about following through with big matrimonial affairs because of the all the money and effort that’s already been sunk in. That’s part of the excuse Kim Kardashian gave about her 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries. But you know what’s worse than having your bad decisions aired in the tabloids every month? Vampire divorce.

Gosh. Bella is 18 when she gets married to Edward. Imagine if it didn’t work out? Dealing with your annoying ex for eternity? That would be hell on earth.

But I digress. Bella and Edward are IN LOVE and their relationship will stand the test of time. Except shouldn’t there be a point where they get to actually enjoy themselves?

After all the waiting and anticipation and vampire chastity of the first installments of this series, Bella and Edward arrive in Brazil to get to the doing it part of marriage, only to find out that Edward kind of likes it rough in the sack.

And the worst part? Bella is kind of into that, but Edward just puts an end to the sexing, without consulting her. I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for annulment!

After much coaxing and prancing around in sexy lingerie, and some interminable chess playing, Bella gets Edward back to the boning  part of their trip. But then, oops! She’s pregnant with a half-undead vampire baby that might kill her. Why is this story so desperate to be retold by Tori Spelling in a Lifetime Movie about abusive supernatural marriages?

Just as we’re getting adjusted to the fact that Bella is excited to have a baby that might kill her, we return to Forks to find that Bella is hiding the pregnancy from her father in the hopes of shielding him from the fact that her husband is a blood sucker whose sperm may have put her on the fast track to her death bed. (This part in particular is like a PSA for the Center For Battered Women, since Bella is clearly in a weird state of denial about the major warning signs of spousal abuse.)

Isn’t the whole point of getting married at 18 the fact that you don’t have to be embarrassed to tell your parents that you’re going to be a teen mom? She’s married. And has to hide away in the woods the whole time she’s pregnant so her family won’t find out? Worst.

The final nail in this never closing coffin? This half-vampire-half-human daughter is called Renesmee. Even the most embarrassing of celebrities today would have to work pretty hard to come up with a more terrible name for a child.

In conclusion. For all of you women out there barely managing to deal with the overwhelming task of planning your wedding. This Thanksgiving season, you should be thankful that you’re not marrying Edward Cullen. Even if he’s all sparkly and lovely and supposedly a monster in the sack. You’re a lot better off dealing with the minutia of planning a human sized wedding. And your uterus will thank you later. Enjoy Your Thanksgiving!

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    • Maggie

      THANK YOU for writing this. Personally, I do not get the whole “Edward Cullen is so dreamy” thing because, well, he’s an abusive boyfriend. He tries to cut Bella off from her friends and family, tells her what she can and can’t do, and is just a douche in general. I think the whole mystique surrounding him is gross, and sends a really bad message to young girls. Someone needs to tell them that it is not normal for the guy who “loves” them to watch them sleep and lust after their blood. Bella should’ve stopped being such a dumbass and shacked up with Jacob.

      • Ms. Pants

        But then, you have to consider that the author thanked The Book of Fucking Mormon in the acknowledgements. She’s Mormon herself and has stated that her faith, which is well known for its subjugation of women, heavily influenced her story. Which is why anytime Bella had a carnal urge, something violent or devastating happened to her.

    • Ninargh

      Reneesme. Fucking RENEESME. The entire theater ROFFLED then simultaneously rolled their eyes.

      • Ninargh

        SIGH. And I spelt it incorrectly too. Renesmee is s ridiculous name.

      • Rebekah Mae

        BAHAHAHA Yeah I was like…What the bleeding fuck? Really, Renesmee? And then there was Edward Jacob. EJ. I mean really?! Why do teenagers come up with some of the dumbest fucking names for their babies? Fictional or non fictional.

    • Sara

      Screw you…he’s dreamy and I would marry him any day. Sounds like you have never read the books.

    • DebMoore

      I just have something to bring up. Edward talked Bella into getting married. She did not want to at all. It took him a couple of books to convice her to get married. It was his condition in order to agree to turn her into a vampire and to have sex. I am not defending the books/movies, I agree they are silly but I found them to be fun too.

    • Carol.

      Um, you obviously have not read the books. If you had, you would realize that she had a bad dream in which SHE killed people because she was protecting some vampire baby boy. NOT that Edward killed anyone or that she had cold feet about marrying him. And two, he blames himself for the baby, which i get, but plenty of women have complications and die during the baby delivery, and no one calls those husbands abusive. I’m not a huge fan of the books, but you should probably make sure you have your facts straight before writing something and making an ass out of yourself. Criticizing something that is valid is okay, but at least do your freaking research if you’re going to be a writer.

      • Amy

        She’s quite clearly referencing the movie, in which Bella has a nightmare where she walks down the aisle to Edward atop a pile of dead relatives. So, she’s correct.

      • Jan

        Actually, Carol is right. Even in the movie bella had a dream she killed the people. Not Edward.

    • ely

      Edward is totally abusive and threatening on more than one occassion, not to mentioned she is encouraged to lie to her parents (about the fact she is going to die no less). In the books she doesn’t even tell her parents about vampire!Edward but it looks like she has in the movie which is at least something good.
      But, the worst of all is Jacob imprinting on Resnenmess (or whatever her stupid name is) sounds like pedofilia child grooming to me.

    • Emma

      I like a lot of the people in the cast, but I hate Twilight. To be honest, though, I think the movies are way better than the books.

    • cookiedough

      You obviously have NO life at all of what-so-ever if you`re letting all of your anger out by hypocrizing a TEEN`s movie! WTF were you doing seeing Breaking Dawn, anyways, if you obviously despise the Twilight Saga period. Maybe you should, um, IDK, learn how to pick up a fucking book and read it before you go critizing a wonderful peice of literature. Yup. You just got your ass owned by a thirteen year old honor`s stupid you old bitch!

      • Melinda

        Lol.. I wouldn’t call that “owned.”

        *sigh* Kids.

      • Victo

        It was a book written by and adult, spurring form a dream she had. It wasn’t written for anybody except her self. She had no general audience in mind while writing down her dream.

        Also, I was unaware that the viewing of Breaking Dawn was restricted to teenagers… in that case the movie would have only made probably about 2/3 of the revenue it did.

        No where in the article did the author once say she despised the Twilight sega. She actually said that the first few movies where not completely awful.

        To the “wonderful piece of literature” part, I guess to each his own.

        And if that is your pathetic excuse at “owning” somebody, then maybe you should rexamine your statement there. Because last time I checked calling somebody who is more then likely not more then 25 a “Stupid you old bitch” was EXTREMELY immature, and disrespectful. Sweet heart public schools easy, let us know when you get to highschool :)

      • Katharine

        @cookiedough

        Yes, I could tell that you are no more than 13 after reading your little nonsensical rant. However, considering all the spelling and grammar mistakes, I have a hard time believing that you are an “honor’s” pupil. School must be ridiculously easy in the U.S.
        Also, you are quite rude for a 13-year-old (yes, that should be hyphenated). Have you never been taught to respect your elders?

        P.S. What on earth is “hypocrizing”? Is that what they teach you in your honor’s classes?

    • cookiedough

      Oh, and FYI, her name`s Renesmee for all of you people out there who can`t spell.
      CookieD`s out, peoples.
      Peace!
      Team-Edward Forever!

    • Jessica Drake

      AHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Wow, kudos… that was freakin’ HILARIOUS!!!!

      • Jessica Drake

        I’m a Twilight fan, but I have to give you props for writing this ^_^

    • Samantha

      Wow. You all are lame. The poster is lame because what the hell is she doing watching a movie for kids? Cookie, you`re lame for getting mad at her. If she wants to critisize the movie, then let her. She can go make her self look dumb all on her own and Cookie, you also need to watch your mouth. You`re dealing with adults here, hun. The replyers are ALL lame because they must be so bored with their lives that they feel the need to comment on something so pety.
      I hope you all are ashamed of yourselves for acting like children.

      Sincerely yours

      ~Sam

      *sigh* PS. to the other Twilight fan this encouraging Miss Cookie, please stop. I would hate for my daughters to go on a ramage like this over a book/movie (although, if it involves Twilight I know they would) and I know that your parents would hate you to as well.