• Mon, Nov 28 2011

Kris Humphries Is A Serial Fart Attacker

Maybe we should cut Kim Kardashian some slack, guys. According to several different sources, Kris Humphries was a stinky husband, and I mean that literally. Apparently, this guy has a thing for farting on women, and will stop at nothing to feed this sick, sick need.

First, a report came out that Kris “farts in Kourtney Kardashian’s face” in the new season of Kourtney And Kim Take New York. This is funny because it appears in an article about how Kris is suing the show for more money because he thinks it’s going to make him look like a dick. Did the producers somehow CGI that scene? Because it sounds like that’s something he chose to do, and you can’t reasonably expect reality tv producers not to use the footage if you fart in someone’s face. You just can’t.

And now, there’s an interview with his ex-girlfriend in The Daily Mail that reiterates his farting problem. Says she:

Kris had no flirting skills whatsoever. Flirting to him was like burping and like blowing it in your face or farting and then throwing the covers over your head.

He also farted on Kim whilst getting a pedicure from her, so it would seem this is a chronic issue. Three times is not a coincidence, bro. I don’t want to get all phrenological here, but maybe his somewhat simian appearance has made people subconsciously expect him to fling poo all his life, and he’s just trying to live up to how everyone sees him? Regardless, I can see how someone would not want to be married to him. Maybe he should go hang out with the Occupy Wall Street fart smeller and leave our television sets alone. Unfortunately, things being as they are, I’m pretty sure he’ll get his own spin-off called True Life: I Have A Farting Fetish any day now.

(Via Gawker)

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  • K

    Damnit that Kris Jenner is a genius. An evil. f*cking. genius.

  • Nancy

    I saw the clip of that and, to be fair, he only put his butt near her face as she was asking him to smell her butt because she’d had an oil enema that day. Then we she got up, she discovered she’d leaked on their bed. Gross.

    • Eileen

      Ewwwwwwwwwww!

  • Gina

    I get that you are trying to be funny.
    But really lately reading your articles is making me inherently dumber.
    Kris as a farter, pepper spraying turkey, 10 (ridiculously stupid) things you’d rather do on Black Friday.

    Please, please, please stop making yourself look like a dumb bimbo. If this website is making you write this absolutely worthless drivel please find another job. I have to believe that you may actually have more writing talent than this.

    But seriously you are dumbing down the population and being ungodly annoying with your idiotacy.

    • Shae

      Hm. Actually, Martha Stewart pepper-spraying the turkey was a hilarious commentary on Fox news coverage of the UC Davis students getting pepper-sprayed. One of the Fox news correspondents (Megyn Kelly, I think?) likened pepper spray to a “seasoning” which one would use at the supper table. So, that’s pretty political, actually.

      ….but I’ll give you Kris as a farter. Because ew – no one wants to think about that.

  • DebMoore

    So wait we are supposed to cut Kim some slack because her husband/ex-husband farted in her face? I know a lot of guys who do that. Besides isn’t that something you’d figure out if you could or could not live with while you are you know dating and getting to know each other (rather than spending that whole time planning a TV wedding) Sorry, I still don’t feel any sympathy for Kim Kardashian.

  • Em

    Am I the only one that finds this hilarious? A guy farting in the incredibly spoiled faces of the whiny Kardashians? Sure, it’s kind of rude, but he’s a guy, and most guys I know fart freely and enjoy it. Besides, he came home to a naked yoga class in their living room and managed to live in the Kardashian Klutter, so I think he should get a free pass for the farting.

  • I Mean What

    Rather than lament the shortcomings of our culture and how we spend our viewing time, let’s take a peek into what really was said in the “Kourtney and Kim Take Manhattan” photo shoot, which was obviously shot way into the terminally ill portion of the Kris & Kim union: http://bit.ly/u144eg

  • Natasha @OneWomansStylee

    Are you guys serious? Why would you even run a story on this? Why is this even a story?

  • Richard Fartswell

    MY HERO!!!

  • Alexander Fartworthy

    Kris is my role model. He always has been.

  • Jared

    You know of all women Kim Kardashian really deserves a good fart in the face. Hell I don’t fart on people but for any of the Kardashians I’d make an exception. You know if you do indecent things you kinda deserve to have indecent things done to you.