8 Reasons Why This Whole Aniston-Theroux Thing Is A Sham

The loveliness that is Justin Theroux came to my attention when I first saw Mulholland Drive. His role in the David Lynch film immediately won me over; it’s hard to not get all hot and bothered by an arrogant director with a penchant for dark sunglasses.

So when I first heard that he was hanging around Jennifer Aniston, a part of me died. Not simply because Jennifer Aniston and her existence really irks me, but because Justin Theroux is, like, way too cool for her.

Although there are rumors that Ms. Aniston is telling her friends that she’d love to jet off to Cabo and get married on the beach to Theroux, I’m not buying it. Just like I never bought the whole Tom CruiseKatie Holmes thing, or that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were really in love and not looking for some sort of attention. [tagbox tag="Jennifer Aniston"]

I give you 10 reasons to support my theory.

1. He directed Dedication. Never seen it? Put it in your Netflix queue now. He also hand-picked the music, most of which is by Deerhoof.

2. He was in a David Lynch film. True, Lynch films are a little, or rather, a lot bizarre, but I have two words for you: Twin Peaks.

3. He has bad ass, yet mildly wonky tattoos. Although I don’t know for sure, I imagine Jen has a tramp stamp on her lower back, or probably even some archaic symbol that means “dreams” somewhere on her. She’s deep like that, of course. Justin doesn’t need to tattoo such nonsense on him, because he’s bad ass.

4. He does an awesome Irish brogue. The only accent I can tolerate is the Irish brogue. I won’t even get into the effect it has on my lady bits. Justin pulled one off spectacularly in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle–he pretty much saved the movie from total disaster.

5. He played Timothy Bryce in American Psycho. I feel this is self-explanatory.

6. He gives new meaning to the word “knullruffs.” The bedhead look may be officially over, but so is “The Rachel.” However, Justin still makes it look hot.

7. He accurately played a fella who came too fast in Sex & the City. I’m in no way giving a shout out to the franchise that won’t die, but I am saying that if you’ve ever hooked up with a guy and he came on your skirt mid-kiss, then you’ll understand that Justin played this role perfectly. Body jerking, orgasm face and all–we call this super talent.

8. He’d probably risk his life to save a bunny. I don’t have any proof or even know this for a fact, but I’m pretty sure. And sometimes “pretty sure” is all you need.

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    • Renae

      Absolutely the best part of CA:FT. That scene with the fire? Sexy as hell.

      • Amanda Chatel

        YES. Insanely sexy!

    • Cee

      He is “like, way too cool for her”? What are you 12? Did you type that while twirling your hair and smacking bubblegum?

      • Jules

        Seriously. Bad mouthing another woman because you’re jealous, from a site that claims to promote female empowerment.

      • Cee

        Jules, The last time I checked, Jennifer Aniston has a vagina..she wasn’t quite empowering her.

      • Jules

        Sorry Cee, It’s always hard to tell tone online. I was agreeing with you; I meant that the author was badmouthing another woman (Jennifer Aniston), not that you were!

    • Jules

      “Not simply because Jennifer Aniston and her existence really irks me, but because Justin Theroux is, like, way too cool for her.”

      What is this bullshit? Her EXISTENCE irks you? You don’t even know the woman! And the fact that you think he is too cool for her? Are you seriously that jealous of her for dating a man you have only seen in movies?

      “Oh, Justin is so alternative, he listens to Deerhoof like me! Meant 2 b!!!”

      Fucking pretentious.

    • Cassie

      hahaha i see all these hateful comments, but don’t worry Amanda Chatel, I am totally on your side. jennifer aniston probably DOES have a tramp stamp that means “dreams.” or maybe a heart on her ankle, or something equally lame.

      • Penny

        Sticking up for a woman by putting down another woman! Ha ha, classic!

      • Guest

        Actually, Justin was encouraging of her first and only tattoo, which was done by his friend and tattoo artist Scott earlier this year. It isn’t a “tramp stamp” or “something equally lame” but rather she had the name of her dearly loved recently deceased dog tattooed on her foot. She’s a huge dog lover, just one of the many things she has in common with Justin.

        Which just goes to show one of the reasons this post is beyond stupid and childish – the author knows little to nothing about either Justin or Jennifer, the subjects she is writing about and making an assessment about the status of their relationship. Luckily for them both adult relationships aren’t based on whether someone can do an Irish brogue.

      • Cassie

        “Sticking up for a woman by putting down another woman” – so what, I’m not allowed to think Jennifer Aniston is lame? I’m supposed to like and approve of all women just because I am a woman myself?
        I am, in fact, aware of her deceased dog tattoo. I remain unimpressed.

    • Penny

      I hate to be harsh, because women writers, yeah! But what possesses somebody to think that a fluff piece on petty jealousy laden with flat jokes could possibly be something that thousands of readers would want to see?

      • Alicia

        Agreed! This article doesn’t work

    • Amanda Chatel

      Ugh. Some of you take things way too seriously… and I’m not sure where jealousy comes into play. Talk about sexist – because she’s a woman and I’m a woman, I’m obviously jealous of her? No. I’ll never be jealous of Jennifer Aniston, but I think it’s cute that anyone would suggest it.

      At least I got your panties in a twist so much so that some of you needed to comment and call me out on my indiscretions. I’ll be sure to consider everyone else’s opinion next time I write a post. Feedback is fun.

      • Guest

        Please – it has nothing to do with you being a woman. Others have called out your jealousy based on your irrational and unfounded hatred for someone you obviously know nothing about except for the fact she’s dating a guy you are crushing on hard.

        And I think it’s “cute” that you wrote an inflammatory article and are now bothered that others are calling you out for it. You don’t need to consider other’s opinions next time you write a post – just perhaps a little more factual knowledge of your subjects would be helpful.

      • Fabel

        Amanda– just jumping in to to say that I agree some of these commenters are taking things way too seriously. Really, a particular celebrity’s existence has never irked them? Have they never saw a magazine cover and passingly thought “Those two together? WTF”. You clearly aren’t 12 and this article clearly doesn’t come from a place of true hatred, so everyone needs to chill. My assessment of Jennifer Aniston is similiar to yours, but I’m in no way jealous nor do I ACTUALLY think she’s a terrible human being (I mean, she could be, but I don’t know her)

      • Amanda Chatel

        Thanks, Fabel!

        The rest of you need a Xanax – or five. Also I never said I hated Jennifer Aniston, nor did I say I was “crushing” on Justin. Come on, people, they’re both silly celebrities!

        Besides, Justin is too short to crush too hard on… and after having tapped Jennifer Aniston, who wants him? No thanks.

    • Shoes

      I love Justin Theroux, but his accent in Charlie’s Angels 2 was one of the worst fake Irish accent committed to film. Perhaps the worst one this side of the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

      He was still hot though.

      • Cazamaline


        I’m an Irish woman, living in Ireland and I almost VOMITED when I heard his Diddly Eye, “to be sure to be sure, top ‘o the mornin’ to ye” Lucky Charms SHAM of an “Irish” accent in CA:FT. It was horrific.

        Just realised that Jen seems to have a thing for guys who can’t do Irish accents- see Brad in “Snatch” (D’ya like dags?) or Gerard Butler in “P.S. I Love You”.

    • Jimiesjoyever

      I love Jennifer and Justin. They both are real and very cool. They are perfect together. Wish them the best.

    • sara

      Just to throw in my 2 cents…justin wasn’t in just 1 lynch film. He was in Inland Empire as well.

    • Niamh

      To that person slagging Brad Pitt in Snatch, he does the pikey accent really well actually, they say dag for dog and practically everyone I know here (in Irl) will say dags when doing an impression of a pikey. I know , I know – opinions and everyone’s entitled and blah blah but you’re just wrong there,lol

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