• Tue, Dec 6 2011

13 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Will Cheat On Me

My boyfriend of about two years and I have something really great going on. We’ve been through good times and terrible times together, but in the end we’re both deeply devoted to each other. Which is why I know he’s going to cheat on me.

I know, because life coach Laurie Gerber confirmed everything I suspected in her column on the Huffington Post (my go-to guide for relationship advice and cat photos) “Why My Husband Won’t Cheat on Me.” Gerber smartly knows to pleasure her partner constantly, worship him as a hero, talk openly and actively about sex, and fake a lot of orgasms for him. Or does she? Gerber is so confident about his confidence it’s hard to tell.

Well, consider my worst nightmares realized. Here’s why my boyfriend will definitely cheat on me.

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  • Kj


  • Misa

    You joke, but I know women who do at least 3/4 of those things!

  • C.

    Feminist inclinations don’t typically include refusing to shave and while we’re at it, they also don’t include militantly refusing to date the opposite sex, getting a brand new abortion every month, listening to K.D. Lang, wearing sleeveless plaid shirts and Birkenstocks, or a psychiatric evaluation. I liked the humor and the ideas behind this article at first but I take offense at your outdated and horribly misinformed feminist “jokes” on behalf of the women in society trying to uphold feminist doctrine for the next generations. Don’t get me wrong, I can take a joke, and like I said, I thought most of this was funny but I am having a hard time understanding the “hipness” behind trivializing and condemning feminism.
    I understand, because it’s hee-lariously self deprecating and adorkable (!!!) that it’s become super in vouge to bash feminism these days, but I hope you know who you’re really making fun of here: the women who fight for your rights to access contraceptives, your rights to medical care, your rights to live in a society free of sexual harassment and assault, your rights to vote, your rights to earn as much money as males in the work place, and to some extent your right to marry who you want. Much like Michelle Bachman who cried foul at the word “bitch” recently, don’t expect any women to fight or stand up for you when you’re the one knocking us down. I may be a feminist, but I’m certainly not going to support a woman who parodies, ridicules, and mocks the desire for equal rights.
    You think you’re being funny, but you’re just engaging in the circulation of sad, old, and astronomically inaccurate stereotypes that were created by male-driven media (and are sadly, still heavily perpetuated) to destroy feminist ideas and redirect a woman’s personal value away from being smart and independent to being a docile sex object. Undervaluation of feminism needs to stop and it needs to stop with us, ladies.

    • Brandy Alexander

      I’m not bashing feminism. I’m bashing the woman on the Huffington Post who insists her husband will never cheat on her because he pleasures her on a daily basis.

    • C.

      I’m a big fan of thegloss, so no disrespect. I read or check for updates nearly everyday and I get the joke, but after reading Mrs. Gerber’s column l I couldn’t really make the connection between an infidelity-free marriage and a stereotypical slant on feminism. It seemed like a very antiquated reference to make for a website as consistently funny and forward thinking as thegloss. I suppose the humor was just lost on me.

    • Gigi

      oK ya ,but if the docile sex object wasn’t propped up as the mega goal for all chicks, there’d be no way to sell them the accessories and costumes that make’em sexy. They wouldn’t need all that jazz.

  • Stella

    Is this post in response to some article that appeared somewhere? Without a reference, it doesn’t really make sense as a humor piece. I think this site needs a better editor sometimes…

    • Stella

      Oh for god’s sake, I was taken straight to the second panel and didn’t see the explanation at the beginning. I need a better editor sometimes. Carry on.

    • Brandy Alexander

      The reference you’re looking for appears in the second paragraph of the article, in bold, where I clearly link to an article in the Huffington Post titled, “Why My Husband Won’t Cheat on Me.”


      Let’s not blame a buried link on my outstanding editor.

    • Brandy Alexander

      Sorry you ended up on the wrong slide! xo

  • Lisa

    I like “The Little Pony.” That is a perfect name, it seems! Need to do some nicknaming of my own, I have been inspired!

    • Robin

      I love it when he calls me rosie the unfuckable riveter. Makes me feel like I can’t get screwed! Which is why he wanks and sleazes with hookers for hire. I don’t mind, that isn’t cheating, because he buys me cars and fridges.

  • M

    More of these apply to my life than should. My poor boyfriend. He goes to school out of state so he only has to put up with me being a horrible girlfriend on and off, but I wonder if he’ll realize I’m a terrible person when he finishes school and we get to live in sin full-time. Examples!

    -His sex drive is way drivier than mine. That’s what I get for dating a guy five years younger than me who turned 19 the day we met. I keep telling him my libido is supposed to peak in my early 30′s and his is supposed to be heading downhill, so maybe someday they’ll intersect. And on that one golden day we will both have the perfect amount of sex.
    -Instead of attention I smother him with paranoia [which I possess in abundance!]. This manifests as us having conversations like ‘I’m going to go get a burrito.’ ‘Okay, have fun! DON’T DIE I NEED YOU.’
    -I named his penis Mr Winkle.

    • M

      Again, he is younger than me and also in far better shape. He screws like a jackhammer. I help for about the first ten seconds and then am exhausted and let him do all the rest of the work.
      -I’ve shaved my legs maybe six times since we met [two and half years ago]. His vision is not the best and he never wears his glasses in bed, so he keeps rubbing my legs and saying ‘Aww, you shaved for me!’ and I have to tell him no, no I didn’t because I’m too lazy for that shit and he’s just blind. His response is always the same: *continues rubbing* ‘..Are you sure?’
      -My cats also hog the bed! He loves them, but they make it clear that they are cuddling with me and not him. When he tries to steal them, I tell him to stop being mean and give them back. And then they walk back over to me, and because they’re cats about half the time they step on Mr Winkle.
      -He has probably performed about 90% of the oral sex in our relationship. Score!
      -I am not only friends with my exes, I recently started working for one of them part-time. Selling porn. Yuh-huh.
      -I pop his zits and make him get the ones I have in awkward-to-reach places.

    • M

      BONUS: He does about 80% of the cooking and cleaning when he’s home. And EXTRA BONUS: I moved in with his mom. And she and I are practical and enjoy being roommates, and have already discussed the fact that if he and I break up we can still live together because we get along well. So not only does he have to put up with this shit because he fell in love with me [HA! Sucker], but he basically can’t break up with me because if he does he can never go home since a) I’m here, and b) I occupy the second bedroom and there are only two bedrooms.

      Man am I lucky he’s so patient.

      DISCLAIMER: despite the fact that this makes me sound like the World’s Most Horrible Person, we really do have an awesome relationship that is not entirely one-sided. Most of the time.

    • jack


    • M

      Yep! I mean, I could also write a list of the reasons the things I just listed aren’t actually as terrible as I make them sound [well, most of them], as well as a long list of reasons why I’m actually usually an awesome girlfriend, but those lists would be far less relevant to the topic at hand and also less cringe-inducingly entertaining.

    • jack

      Don’t mind me. If the two of you carry on well, that’s all that matters.

    • M

      It’s okay; I wasn’t taking it personally. But I realized in retrospect that wow, this really does make me sound incredibly awful and I should throw that out there so no one uses me as an excuse for their own horrible [and potentially less justifiable] behavior. :D

    • Emma K

      The problem is my bf is constantly asking pretty babes around him what they think of his cock, what they can do for his cock, and whether they’ll ride it or not. And he fires them if they don’t verbally suck him off dry. Isn’t that grounds for a divorce?

  • Laurie Gerber

    That was hysterical. This was one very positive side effect of writing. My husband sent this to me BTW and thought it was really funny. Thanks for keepin it real.

  • Maggie

    Great article! After reading the article this is based on, most of Laurie’s points make sense: keeping up communication, being involved and interested in each other’s lives, etc. The only thing I take exception to is that she seems to present it like it is the woman’s job to make sure the man won’t cheat. To me, that’s ridiculous. I think it’s pretty much a given that if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re promising to be faithful, and if you cheat, that shit is on you, not your partner. A cheater’s failure is his (or her!) own, not their partner’s. It’s just another unnecessary stress to put on a woman about “keeping her man,” which makes Brandy’s article all the funnier.

    • Dominique

      Some bf’s feel emasculated any time he ‘s not shitting on you or backstabbing you. They’ll cheat on you for sure if try to put an end on it.

    • Maggie

      If that’s the case, those a*holes should be dumped right away, and maybe given a swift kick in the balls for good measure.

    • Scott

      In most relationships its the female that slows the sex down or almost stops it all together. Sex is a main part in any relationship. Stop the sex too much and when the opportunity arises he will not be able to resist the temptation if he’s not getting enough at home. A cheater is not a bad person nor does it say he or SHE does not love the other. If your other is asking or trying to get more from you and your saying no too often then yes it is on you. You need to make the time for each other. Speaking of being faithful, If your not taking care of each others needs (Sex included) then your not being faithful either. You should always put your spouse before you. That goes for both, though a woman needs to work on the sex more than most men need too.

      Most men cheat because they don’t get enough at home and most women cheat because they think they need more than what they have. Its all in the statistics. It doesn’t mean they don’t love the other anymore, its why sex and marriage should never be a bond between just 2 people and why open marriage can at most times work better.

      Brandies article is more true than you think. But it also goes similar the other way around as well. Where a man needs to do things to keep the woman as well. Just they are different things than what she listed to keep your man. A marriage is more like a job, you have to WORK to keep it going and if you can’t then well that’s on you and may get fired (Divorced or cheated on).

  • John

    I am SO GLAD! I am single. I was married for 13 years, been divorced for over 13 years. Divorced is better. Married? Never agian, NEVER EVER EVER!!

  • bree


    @ C- Relax.

    • Dominic

      How would you respond to suggestions like http://find-me-a-boyfriend.info/find-me-a-boyfriend.html where they say that you should actually NOT focus on the search, but rather look at yourself and who you are and what you’re doing and change what needs to be changed there first?


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