• Thu, Dec 8 2011

F*ck, Marry, Kill: Jack Skellington. Scrooge. The Wet Bandits

Last time around, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff got ready for the Holidays by playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with some beloved Christmas characters. Today, they’re playing with some maligned ones. If you are unfamiliar with the game Fuck, Marry, Kill (and yet inexplicably reading a website currently), it’s simple: you must choose among the three names given who to fuck, who to marry, and who to kill. If you do not care for Jennifer and Ashley’s rhetoric, skip their discussion and go to the bottom of the post, where you may cast your vote.

Jennifer:  I AM SO EXCITED TO MARRY JACK SKELLINGTON!

Ashley: Why?

Jennifer: Because I absolutely love him. For obvious reasons: he’s fundamentally kindhearted, he’s witty, he’s successful, and ambitious in spite of his success, he’s got style and a tendency towards romanticism, and he approaches everything he doesn’t understand by reading 7 books about it. But more than that, I think he’s a perfect example of someone who wants to do good, and recognizes something good, but doesn’t know how to actualize it. He reminds of me of – did you have that period when you were a kid and you read Hemingway for the first time, and for about a month later all your stories were suddenly about fishing or dying in Spain? That strikes me as a bit of what Jack Skellington is doing when he tries to make his own version of Christmastown in Halloweentown. And of course he botches it, just as we do when we try to mimic Hemingway, but I find the fact that he tries at all just really charming. Because sometimes we all want to be greater than we are, or at least great in a different way. And, joyously, at the end, I think Jack learns how important his own strengths are, and how much they bring to the people around him. Also, he looks like a skeleton who just stepped out of a Noel Coward play, and you know how much I love Noel Coward.

Ashely: Jack Skellington failed. When I saw Nightmare as a kid, the lesson I learned was “Stick to what you know.” Otherwise you’ll fail. And no, most children don’t have Hemingway periods, Jennifer.

"Goodnight... Moon."

Jennifer: Yes, they do. (Maybe?) And Jack Skellington failed because you shouldn’t try to copy someone else. That’s not a terrible lesson. And frankly, to anyone watching the movie, it’s obvious that Halloweentown is much more vibrant and interesting than Christmastown (where everything is attractive and orderly all the time). It’s nice that at the end, Jack comes to realize how wonderful it is, too.

Ashley: Fine. I don’t think I could fuck or marry Jack purely because he is a self-pitying skeleton, with a skull for a face. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy with my leftover options, Scrooge or the Wet Bandits.

Jennifer: Wait – self-pitying? How? When? He doesn’t feel sorry for himself when he sees that he doesn’t have some of the awesome aspects available in Christmastown, instead he rounds up everyone in his community to start packing snakes into giftboxes. That seems pretty “skeleton of action” to me.

Ashley: “Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones / an emptiness began to grow,” as he sings. It’s really no wonder he’s become an emblem of the Hot Topic crowd. You know, Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy has a Jack Skellington tattoo. If you can be happy that way, fine, but I can’t have that on my conscience.

"Maybe later we could flat iron our hair and talk about Camus."

Jennifer: I think that’s pretty accurate. I mean, I don’t sartorially relate to that crowd but I think “a charming weirdo trying to do good and messing up” is a pretty relatable character for most people, and especially anyone who dresses to broadcast that fact. But then “I think very few people are completely normal, really, deep down in their private lives.”

Ashley: Look, I think we need to set aside this discussion of Jack Skellington and get to the heart of the matter: can you love Daniel Stern enough to fuck Joe Pesci, too?

Jennifer:  No. Neither. I’d fuck Scrooge.

Ashely: You must hate orgasms.

Jennifer: You really just shut that down, didn’t you?

Ashely: I did. If you want to lie down and stare at the ceiling while a hateful old man humps you feebly for a few minutes, then… fine. Though, I guess the major benefit is that it’d be over quickly.

We googled "Hateful Old Man"

Jennifer: No, no, Scrooge would love it. Like, all it really takes for this guy to come around is to see a banquet from his youth where people were happy. And some threatening ghosts, but also, banquet/dinner party stuff. So, if you had sex with Scrooge he’d likely turn into – who is a good, likable person? Jack Skellington.

Ashley: You’d fuck Scrooge because he’d be grateful? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Jennifer:  No, no, I’d fuck him because I secretly believe that by sleeping with people I can transform their souls. It’s not sad, it’s just wildly illogical and incorrect. Although in this specific case – I’m pretty sure it could be done. Seriously, he sees a banquet and he’s like “all the coal for everyone!” He doesn’t even eat. He just watches it. He’s one of those dudes who would be transformed just by seeing you naked.

Ashley: This is really upsetting. I’d actually rather talk about fucking Joe Pesci.

Jennifer: If you must.

Pesci is 5'4'' and 120 pounds, but most of that is cock.

Ashely: ….Probably the only thing worse than Scrooge watching you undress.

Jennifer: He’d be sitting on that bed clapping his hands with glee, maybe crying in gratitude a little bit. Scrooge would be great.

Ashley: Back to Pesci. I bet if you married the Wet Bandits, a lot of funny stuff would happen. They’d always be slipping on race cars you left out, getting hit by hammers and paint cans.

Jennifer: They are robbers, and they are idiots.

Ashley: I don’t want to have sex with any of these men, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Well, I don’t want anything to do with the robbers. They were very unintelligent men, outfoxed by an 8 year old.

Precocious children are assholes.

Ashley: He was a pretty clever 8 year old. He manipulates James Cagney films with impressive sophistication. You try breaking into his house.

Jennifer: I will not because I haven’t turned to a life of crime and slapstick?

Ashely: Maybe I’m tempted to marry the Wet Bandits just because it would be fun to live a life of crime?

Jennifer:  Do you just not look at people’s personalities? At all? You’d be a terrible criminal.

Ashely: It’s true, I’d just give everything back and feel bad about it. ….Look, nothing about this is situation is ideal. Jack Skellington is probably the best person, in terms of, I don’t know, heart? So, marry Jack. You kill Scrooge, even though he’s capable of repenting–it’s still kind of a callow to do so after a lifetime of oppressing people. You fuck the Wet Bandits because… you have really positive associations with Daniel Stern‘s voice from The Wonder Years? Oh my god. This has become extremely dark.

Way dark.

Jennifer: Oh, God, well at least now I understand. But no. Absolutely not. I could never fuck a Merry Andrew. So I will fuck Scrooge and do my part for the workers of the world, and marry Jack and be happy forever.

Ashley: Merry Andrew? Is that a colloquialism?

Jennifer: Yes, it means a buffoon. It’s a common phrase.

Ashley: No it’s not!

Jennifer: Now that I look it up it would appear it was mostly a common phrase in the 18th century.

Ashely: That makes more sense.

Jennifer: Remember that time when you were a kid and you went through a really heavy D’Israeli phase?

Ashley: I hate you.

A Merry Andrew

Jennifer: Closing arguments!

Ashley: I will marry Jack. I will hate myself for wedding the fucking mascot of terrible mall goths everywhere, but maybe we can find some commons interests. Like Joy Division. Or, at least, Oingo Boingo. Kill Scrooge because he’s a dick. As for Fuck, there is no way to win this one, but I will choose the Wet Bandits because Daniel Stern seems like, if nothing else, a likeable guy. He was in City Slickers! Which means Joe Pesci will have to watch. Please don’t point out that I have opted to have sex with someone while Joe Pesci watches.

Jennifer:  You opted to have sex with someone while Joe Pesci watches on the strength of him being a wildly inept robber.

Ashely: You’re going to allow Scrooge inside of you.

Jennifer: I guess we both made choices.

Jennifer:  Marry Jack. Fuck Scrooge (because fucking someone kind of mean spirited who shows the potential for dramatic spiritual change is preferable to fucking someone who is an irredeemable idiot). Kill the bandits.

Ashely: Great. Christmas is ruined.

Jennifer:  And to all a goodnight!–

(Ed. Note: We both realized after the fact that our willingness to fuck Scrooge obviously increases exponentially if Michael Caine is playing him)

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  • M.J.

    I would say the strength of the Wet Bandits is that there are two of them. Um.

  • Lindsay Cross

    Is it awkward to point out in the context of this post that Nightmare Before Christmas is my toddler’s favorite movie. And she’s pretty much obsessed with Jack. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she’d take both of you down if you tried to marry him. She’s all about claiming things as her own.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I respect that.

  • Lexie

    I don’t see whats wrong with fucking/ marring Scrooge? First of all if you marry him he is both old, wealthy, and no rules were made that he was pre-ghost visit Scrooge. Second I have no problem admitting that a Michael Caine Scrooge stirs my lady bits.