• Thu, Dec 8 2011

Male Musings: On Threesomes And The People You Have Them With

One of our Real Talk man panel decided he was just going to write his own column because he wasn’t getting enough space and we said, “oh, sure! Okay!” So this is happening, now. On Thursdays.

2pm. Friday afternoon. I’m woken up by ringing. It’s Chris. “Dude, you’re not gonna believe this. Joey had a threesome last night. A threesome!”

I’m snapped awake. No blurry-eyed haze. No groggy confusion. I’m suddenly wide-fuckin- awake. Was this the first time I’d heard of one of my friends having a threesome? No. But they’re like Grey’s Papaya hot dogs. They’re notoriously featured in the movie Fools Rush In starring Salma Hayek. Wait…no. That’s not it. It’s that they never get old. Ever.

“How? Where? What? Really?” I fired off questions like bullets from a machine gun. Naturally.

“So he’s in a bar in the LES. There’s dancing and he’s dancing with this girl. He like just met her, and whatever, it’s fine, and then she’s also got this friend who’s visiting, next thing he knows he’s dancing in between them and then next next thing he knows they’re having a threesome in the girl’s apartment.”

“Wow. Ok.”

“Yeah, crazy, right? It just happened, he said.”

“Yeah……crazy…..listen I gotta go start my day, so let me call you back.”

Start my day….horseshit. I call Joey. But he’s got a real job and doesn’t answer. Typical. He texts me back a couple minutes later, more or less confirming what went down but adding the detail that really made me examine the situation: he says he thinks the girls went out intending to bring a guy home to have a threesome with.

And what I took away from hearing about that situation (what that situation made clear to me, I guess) is that for a guy having a threesome with two girls, the chemistry between the girls is WAY more important than the guy’s chemistry with either one of them. [tagbox tag="threesome"]

I thought about all the real-life threesomes I knew of. And, except for the time I tried to reenact that scene from American Psycho, they were all driven by the chemistry between the girls. Whether it was the guy’s idea or not, every time I could think of that someone I knew was involved in a threesome, the girls always really wanted to also hook up with each other. This sort of debunks the myth of Van Wilder: namely that a guy with really tight game convinces two girls to hook up with him at the same time. That’s just not how threesomes happen in the real world. As a guy, it’s not about how much the girls are into you, as much as it’s about them being into each other.

And here’s a bonus question: is it the same with a guy-guy-girl threesomes?

And for good measure, what would Martin Heidegger say about all this?

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  • Anon

    The author needed his own column to write this? “My buddy had a threesome and isn’t that cool? Omigosh!” Riveting.

    • Chloe

      Seriously. He’s going to need something a little more interesting than this to sustain a weekly column.

  • Sammy Tucker

    Great post. I have a similar one at How to Have Sex with Sisters. Check it out.

  • BL

    I want more. “Male musings” are always amusing, even if it is only, “Dude. Threesome.”