• Wed, Dec 14 2011

Male Musings: Don’t Diet For Extremely Superficial Men (Like Me)

man checking out woman

Reading people’s stories all over the site this past week has made me a combination of sad and sick to my stomach. I feel bad because I’m part of the problem: I’m extremely superficial.

How superficial, you ask? Try this. In college, I had a binary system for girls I would sleep with. They were either a 2 or a 0. A size 2, or a size 0. I wish I were kidding. But I’m not.

Men always talk about whether they like blondes, brunettes, girls with big boobs, big asses, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, long hair, short hair, blah blah the list goes on. For me, the only thing that’s ever mattered is a girl’s weight, and that it be low.

If you’ve read this far and don’t hate me, there is probably something severely wrong with you. You won’t find me here trying to justify the fact that I only like skinny girls, because I can’t. The same way a guy can’t justify liking brunettes over blondes or blue eyes over green, I can’t come up with any concrete, logically sound reason for only being attracted to skinny girls. It just is what it is. And if you’ve ever been a blonde who’s had her heart broken by a guy who only likes brunettes, the correct response wasn’t to go out and pick up some hair dye. It was to tell that douchebag to go eat a dick. And if you think you’re of a body type that a guy like me wouldn’t find attractive, the correct response here, again, is to tell that douchebag (me) to go eat a dick. Say it. Out loud. In a thick Queens accent. “Ey, go eat a dick you fuckin’ fuck!” Feel better? Good.

And that should be the last of your anger over this issue. You’ve just got to let it go. I’m already going to get what’s coming to me. I’ll be divorced probably more than once because I cheated with someone younger and skinnier than my wife or who didn’t have stretch marks from being pregnant with our kids. Do you want to be the woman who has to fight with me over custody of our kids because you don’t want them being around my latest 2 or 0 of the week? No, you don’t. You really fucking don’t. But if you go to all these lengths–these crash diets, master cleanses, and all the other dumb shit that so-called nutrition gurus come up with–you’re setting yourself up for a life of being married to me. Or someone like me. And you sure as fuck don’t want that. Trust me.

But I’m not saying that wanting to be skinny is a bad thing, either. If you want to lose a few pounds, that’s fine. Just make sure you’re not doing it to please a dipshit like me. Do it because you’ll be able to wear clothes you want to wear. Do it because it’ll shave a few precious minutes off your half-marathon personal best. Or shit, do it because you feel like you’ll be happier with what you see in the mirror when you’re in reverse cowgirl. Do it for all of the above. But do it for you.

You heard me. Go back. Read it again. Don’t. Diet. For. Dudes.

And I know you still hate me, but I composed this limerick just for you. It is an educational limerick. They were going to put it in Aesop’s fables because of the important lesson that it teaches but then they were like “no”. Anyway, here goes:

A girl in my college, a smartie,
Her desire to be skinny was tawdry.
Taking dieting pills,
and some that booze she swilled,
she once pooped herself at a party.

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Share This Post:
  • Nancy

    I don’t hate you, I think you’re right!

  • Elizabeth

    Of course not. Duh.

  • Abena

    Your point is good, although I don’t think people should tell someone to “go eat a dick” if another person is not attracted to them. We’re attracted to who we’re attracted to, and that’s that. As long as you’re not out there actively trying to change someone to fit your ideal. I’m not attracted to blondes, and I shouldn’t have to be.

    • Benedict

      I was born in Queens. Forgive me.

  • Maggie

    This was funny, and nicely blunt. However, if you know you’re a douche and you know you’re going to f*ck up future marriages, why not just stop being such a douchebag? Save your future wife/wives the trouble and just marry someone skinny and stop being such an asshole. It’s not like you HAVE to make women miserable.

  • Benita

    I would never date a fat guy because I am not attracted to them so I see no shame in a guy saying he’s only attracted to skinny women. I know that as a woman I’m supposed to be attracted to a sense of humor or a guy who has a kind heart but no, I’m only attracted to traditionally good looking men with great bodies.

  • Edi

    Dude, maybe you should avoid getting married if this is how you feel. Or perhaps if you see your future children as nothing but stretch marks on your previously skinny wife then don’t have kids. It’s really quite simple. I hope if you do ever have children that they read this someday and (rightfully) despise you for the rest of your life.
    If you fear being alone then you just need to grow the hell up.

  • Megan

    You’re pointing out the double standard here:

    If a girl has a “type” of slim bodies, nothing’s wrong with that.

    If a guy has a “type” of slim bodies, that guy’s automatically a douche.

    What? So a girl can be attracted to her particular set of physical attributes, no matter how superficial, and it’s completely okay. Once a guy says he likes a skinny girl, though, he’s jumped all over for “not liking her personality/not liking ‘real’ women/being a superficial douche.”

    I’m calling BS.

    Yeah. You like who you like. You’re attracted to tiny women. Completely okay. I like my significant others slim, athletic, and taller than me. No one’s kicking my ass about it. Your ass should remain un-kicked.

    (I do hope that if you feel as though you’d constantly cheat for a better looking, smaller woman that you won’t put yourself in a commitment position. Sounds like you have that handled, though. So–I say, cast your net wide, be honest about what you’re looking for, be safe, and enjoy the hell out of yourself!)

  • Megs

    If women don’t diet for men, then what will our dating pool look like? If nobody will date me because I am a size 4, does that mean that I should just resort to being alone the rest of my life? Or should I slim down to 90lbs so I can fit into a 0 so I won’t have to be alone? It’s not really so simple as “don’t do it for men”- it’s don’t do it for men and be alone, or do it for men and actually get a man. Then lose him when you have a muffin top over your size 0′s because you went for the 2% latte instead of nonfat.

    It’s sad that so man men want their women to be a size 0, even though for MOST women this does not come naturally at all. For women (other than those who are naturally as thin as a 12 year old) to be a size 0 all the time requires fairly extreme measures; do you really enjoy dating girls who don’t eat? Exercise 2 hours every day?

    Men are just terrible. Maybe if they were even capable of feeling emotion they’d understand that they are ruining women.

    • MM

      Megs, I think you are getting worked up unnecessarily. I don’t know what planet you live on if nobody will date you at a size 4. Men, like women, have different preferences. Some prefer size 0 women, like this man. As evidenced by the BBW thing, some prefer obese women. The majority seem to go for something in between. I am a size 6 and I have had no problems attracting men (or women). Neither has my size 16 friend who gets laid more than anyone I know.

    • Coco

      Megs. WOW. That is some intense bitterness. I don’t know if you’ve just gotten out of really bad relationship or just had run ins with some spectacular losers but man do I hope for your sake they’re not in the picture anymore.

    • Katherine

      “Men are just terrible. Maybe if they were even capable of feeling emotion they’d understand that they are ruining women”

      Agreed, Meg. Agreed.

    • Wow Meg

      Meg, no offense, but you’re an idiot. With my fluctuations in weight, I have been anywhere from a size 0 to a size 6. Men have been attracted to me in all different weights. The only thing preventing you from having a good relationship with a decent man is the fact that you cannot appreciate yourself and have confidence. Your negative attitude does not help. You have to learn to love yourself before any man could ever love you.

  • tina

    Sorry for being a total nerd, but you just can’t reference to binary system as 2 and 0 when it’s 1 and 0!

    • lucy

      “binary” is can also be used as a general term meaning consisting of/having to do with two things. so his system is binary, although it is a misleading way of putting it considering the widely accepted meaning of binary system

    • Katrina

      Haha! Thank you! That bugged me too!

  • Mishy

    I agree, Im a size 8 and i refuse to even go out with a guy or anything because I know its NASTY!!! So not worth it so not even going to try.

  • CC

    Hey I don’t hate you. I’m naturally skinny.
    And I hate it when people say that slim women look like 12 year olds, and that “real women have curves”. Screw you!!! I’m a woman too, just like you! You’re just putting other women down to feel better about yourself, that’s seriously pathetic.
    And the poster likes skinny women, other men like curvy women, and other men like fat women. People don’t deserve to be hated based on what they like. The girls who have complained below should realize that most men like curvy women anyway, so you win. But at least I’m not being bitter because of it (as long as they don’t try to put me down because of my body type, which is something I was born with).
    I never understood how can girls put other girls down because they’re skinnier/curvier/ etc.

  • CC

    Some men like skinny women, some men like curvy women, some like fat women. Seriously, I’m naturally skinny, do you know how I feel when I hear things like “real women have curves”?? Like crap!
    Why would you put me down for something I didn’t even chose? Why would you say I look like a 12 year old? :( I have feelings too!
    You’re lucky though, most men only like curvy women anyway… But at least I’m not going to spend my time being bitter. If men don’t life me, that’s OK. But when girls think they’re better than me because they have big boobs and a big butt, I can’t help but hate them a bit. Go ahead, thinking you’re a “real woman”, but don’t forget that putting me down for being skinny would rather make you an immature little girl than a woman.
    And to the poster, I don’t hate you for liking skinny girls, but if you really did cheat your on your wife, then I feel really bad for her. Did you marry her for her body or for her soul? :(

  • CC

    Sorry. I thought my answer got lost, so I wrote it again. Sorry again.

  • Jenna

    MEGAN,

    I totally agree with you 100%. I don’t think your being anything but truthful. I have been alone the majority of my life because of my weight and at my highest weight befriended a size 0 girl when I was a size 24 WOW how people are different to us. She was new to town so I took her around spots i have been visiting for the past 5 years I have lived here. Restaurant hosts/waiters that would be cordially polite to me were now making conversation and wanted to get to know “us”. Men would buy her a drink with me standing next to her and talk to her for 10-30 mins while I just stood there. She got a boyfriend within 4 months and I had been living there for 5 years. The experiences weigh heavily on me and will remain with me as I become a smaller and smaller size.

  • recycle bin

    nice article. Im with you – I just cant do chubby or more either. Girls dont have to be perfectly sknny (boyish), but lol im sure if i had to come up with aproportional limit i could do it quite easily. At least we’re honest about who and what we are/like. Ive been shot down a few times (by girls with chubby features). go figure. If it really was only opinion ppl wouldnt care so much. I consider it a future investment, if i grow old with a gal at least shell still be making me horny at 40+ where others prob wont.