You've banned your smartphone for two reasons, one of which is the inevitable jealousy that will crush your evening when you decided to check Facebook. We all know that staying in touch with all your former flames, old crushes and ex-friends with benefits is unhealthy. But on Christmas, when the News Feed displays a steady flow of happy couples and obnoxious families, social media is especially devastating. Your Facebook profile is closed for the holidays.
It will be on — it's always on — and you will want to watch it. Do not give into the urge. Everyone is too beautiful and everything ends up so happy it will make you sob or puke or both, since you've probably been drinking. If you've got to watch it, fast forward over Keira Knightley (she's too beautiful), Laura Linney (she's too pathetic), or Hugh Grant (he's too British), and focus on the aging rock star, Billy Mack. Now there's a hero — a grizzled, single, happy hero.
If you're going to toast the birthday of baby Jesus with a gallon of spiked egg nog, hide your iPhone. The temptation to drunk dial, drunk text or drunk email is far too dangerous for you, Miss Drunky Hearts. Replace your phone with an old fashioned notebook and a stack of envelopes. You can write down all your sad, meandering thoughts on paper and promise yourself to send them the next day (you won't). Just remember to hide the stamps and find a fireplace. You'll probably want to throw those letters in a raging fire tomorrow.
You've banned your smartphone for two reasons, one of which is the inevitable jealousy that will crush your evening when you decided to check Facebook. We all know that staying in touch with all your former flames, old crushes and ex-friends with benefits is unhealthy. But on Christmas, when the News Feed displays a steady flow of happy couples and obnoxious families, social media is especially devastating. Your Facebook profile is closed for the holidays.
This week, it's time to ban the following yuletide classics: "All I Want for Christmas Is You," "In Love at Christmas," "Please Come Home for Christmas," "Santa Baby," "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," or "Baby It's Cold Outside." Because if you listen to that music you're going to be cold (and dead) inside.
It doesn't matter how much Rob from Marketing has been flirting with you, keep your hands off your coworkers at the holiday party. Last time you hooked up with someone at a work event you ended up pining after some creepy sales rep who was not even good enough for you because it was Valentine's Day and you were lonely. Don't spend another holiday wasting time on someone for the sake of having someone to waste time on.
Tis the season to stuff your mouth with cookies, turkey and even, well, stuffing. Eat up on Christmas and drink up, too! But when December 25th comes to a close, so should your mouth. Ditch the sweatpants and kick-start your work out routine. How are you going to get back in the New Year game if you've sidelined yourself in an elastic waist?
It's so tempting to rip down the wreath and dance around the pyre of what was once your tree. But stop right there, Mr. Grinch! You're going to need those festive lights to help combat seasonal depression. Enjoy all the decorations well into January to keep your chin up and beat the winter blues with green and red. You'll throw them away when you're good and ready, or when your neighbors call the sanitation department.
