When visiting my goyische boyfriend’s family for Christmas these past few days, I did something I don’t normally do: I watched TV on a television, not a laptop, without breaking one single law. On that television, there were these things called “commercials” that advertised all manner of products I never knew I needed, like the Slap Chop and various Long Island Greek chain restaurants. And then there was Forever Lazy (TM).
When the above ad first came on, my boyfriend and I looked at each other like, “is this an SNL re-run?” Nope. Forever Lazy is for real, son. Basically giant onesie pajamas for grown-ups made out of blankets, Forever Lazy is suitable for all of your diverse laziness needs. It comes in colors like “Asleep On The Job Gray” and “Workday Blues,” because doing things is for suckers. There’s even a sexy pink one for the ladies. It’s “the one piece, lie around, lounge around, full body lazy wear” your sedentary ass craves. It’s suitable for watching TV, reading a book (yeah right) or, wait for it…”just being lazy!”
Even modeled as attractively as possible, Forever Lazy makes it look like your entire body has taken a dump. And speaking of that, there’s a zipper flap for your down there parts, because God forbid you should have to stop being lazy for even the thirty seconds to five minutes it takes you to go to the bathroom. A shining example of American values, this product was designed specifically for people who are too slow to correctly operate a Snuggie (TM).
I suppose one could argue that what you wear in the privacy of your own single-occupancy home is nobody’s business, and one would mostly be right. Lord knows I’m not exactly “business casual” most of the time when I write these blog posts. Where the commercial gets into real trouble is when it implies that this garment is suitable for wear anywhere outside of the domestic sphere: tailgate parties, the big game, getting coffee…you can take your laziness with you! This is obviously a vicious falsehood, and I would not be surprised if this abomination was Kim Jong Il‘s final gift to America, designed to put yet more nails in the coffin of our decadent, late capitalist, low-productivity society. Well played.