Bullish Life: Be a Crazy Awesome Bitch Like Angelina Jolie, As Per Her Former Assistant

Jennifer Dziura writes life coaching advice weekly here on TheGloss, and career coaching advice Fridays on TheGrindstone.

I was recently on an airplane, during which I took JetBlue up on their offer of a free Blue Moon (or two) and availed myself of last month’s In Touch tabloid trash, because air travel is awful and a lady needs to do anything she can to block out the memory of a TSA agent repeatedly intoning, “I’m touching you with the back of my hand.

According to In Touch, various of Angelina Jolie’s assistants and staffers “are coming forward to share their twisted tales of working for the Jolie-Pitts.” (Short post here; I suppose they save the good dirt for the print version.)

I was supposed to come away from the article thinking that Angelina is a terrible person, but I have actually decided that her life sounds fantastic, sane, well-organized, and conducive to having both many children and lots of sex with Brad Pitt. Perhaps we can use these (possibly entirely apocryphal reports) of Angelina Jolie’s lifestyle to set gentlewomanly goals for ourselves.

According to In Touch, “an old friend” of Angelina Jolie remarks that, no matter how much Angelina tries: “In the end, she just can’t hide the crazy.”

I think that middle America (is that who buys these magazines when they’re not in an airport?) just hates women who figure out how to have children and also have serious goals and enjoy their own lives. As in, Oh that bitch, how DARE she drink and fuck the way everyone wants to?

I have gone through the article and catalogued Angelina’s alleged behavior

Actually crazy:

  • Only having one bite of food. “No matter what the chefs prepare.” Unless, you know, the chefs are asking her to taste something, or the food is for the kids, or she already ate because she had a lunch meeting with Steven Soderbergh or drank blood with her brother James. Sometimes one bite of food is all you need.
  • Living only on carrot juice for three days. I don’t fast, because I will murder someone if I go more than 11 hours without solid food, and that includes time that I am sleeping. But I think that half the residents of Brooklyn think that juice fasting is a good way to let the mother goddess nurture your colon. Or something. Keep in mind that your body doesn’t know why you’re not eating; anorexics and fruitarians and monks are all in danger of having their bodies cannibalize their heart muscle, which causes you to die, regardless of your feelings on the matter. But three days on carrot juice is pretty standard among people who aren’t me.
  • Saving your children’s discarded bandages in a large jar. Sure, that’s gross. Moving on!

 

A fucking great way to live:

  • “While she appears to have gotten over the drug addictions that plagued her as a teen, an employee reveals that she’s replaced them with other obsessions — such as online shopping, which she’s been known to immerse herself in for hours, buying thousands of dollars worth of clothes and jewelry.” This is very healthy! Once you have children — or before! — it would be excellent to replace your drug addictions with an online shopping “obsession” that accounts for only a tiny fraction of your disposable income! You don’t even have to leave your kids with a nanny (something Angie’s about to take some shit for) in order to shop online. Personally, I have been known to hit up BCBG online after a long day of writing. I DESERVE A BLAZER FOR ACHIEVEMENT. And then I theoretically could log in to Mint.com (see Bullish: Use The Holidays To Get Ahead While Sitting On Your Mom’s Couch) to see how much I’ve spent that month and adjust my budget. Online shopping makes it really easy to return things. Also, drugs are bad.
  • “She locks herself in the basement every day and exercises for hours… No one is to bother her during that time.” OMG, she arranges child care before working on her career sometimes? Like the way almost everyone’s dad goes someplace for forty-plus hours a week to earn money? It is well-known that Angelina has an individual nanny for each child, plus there’s Brad, who presumably is capable of doing things. You know how some families aren’t supposed to bother Dad when he’s in his office doing this dad-things that pay for everything? Yes. Women can also be like that.
  • “On a trip to London, another staffer reveals, Angelina and Brad more than once left their kids locked up with supervision in their hotel bedrooms, and left them behind to go out drinking — a pastime they both seem to enjoy.” Kids: you’re actually supposed to lock them inside! Just because you do not want to be locked into a room doesn’t mean that that’s not exactly how you care for young children — you lock them in the house, with yourself or a trusted adult, because you don’t want them wandering into the streets or into the loins of perverts!
  • “More recently, the pair enjoyed a sumptuous meal — and lots of wine — in a suite at the Kempinski Hotel in Budapest, while the kids stayed on an entirely different floor.” So she can fuck Brad Pitt. Which is probably pretty important to keeping Brad Pitt around, so her six kids have a dad. Everyone wins!
  • “Brad and Angelina didn’t even emerge from their room until noon the next day — after the kids had been up for hours. It’s not something that Angelina, who wants the world to think she’s a devoted hands-on mom, would want to get out.” Really? Why? Again: Pitt-fucking. Nannies. I think someone’s life sounds fucking amazing. (See Bullish: Extreme Advance Planning for Very Smart Women.)
  • “‘Her daily diet varies,’ another family inside whispers. ‘Sometimes it will just be green tea and nuts. Other days, it will be red meat and red wine, and then, back to tea and some tiny portion of protein.’” Sometimes she drinks green tea! And sometimes wine! And then an unspecified type of tea, that may be green or may not! Protein is good for you. (See Bullish Life: Gentlewomen Don’t Crash Diet.)
  • “According to another employee, Angelina, 36, becomes obsessed with certain foods — sometimes eating only one type for days at a time. ‘She became obsessed with soup,’ the employee recalls.” Soup! ANGELINA JOLIE IS A SOUP WHORE. Wait, what? Soup is both healthy and — depending on the kind of soup — conducive to fat loss. It’s exactly the kind of low-calorie food that allows you to eat a lot of it so that you don’t punch people out of hunger. I was just in the ‘burbs visiting my parents and discovered, to the dismay of my lacquered Manhattan exterior, that Ruby Tuesday is a fucking great place to eat vegetables. I’m ambivalent about salad and refuse to eat most room-temperature foods. I want my food (and my accountant) to be hot. You know what I want? A 45-calorie side dish of balsamic zucchini, and also side dishes of mashed cauliflower and spaghetti squash, and a single shrimp skewer. People gave Bethenny Frankel such shit when she said that every day she ate a salad with exactly two shrimp. That’s a “pro-ana” suggestion? Ridiculous. No one would have said a word if she had eaten a salad with zero shrimp. What do people have against small portion sizes? You eat no chocolate and no one notices; you eat just a single square of chocolate and you’re PROMOTING ANOREXIA. Pardon my all-caps; this column began with In Touch magazine.
  • “She browses the blogs looking for stories about her family!” Wouldn’t you? (Hi, Angelina!)
  • “In high school, Angelina once wore the same shirt every day for nearly two months.” In high school, I learned from a discussion of Melville’s Billy Budd that sailors on long sea voyages used to get high on nutmeg, so I tried to eat nutmeg out of the jar and wash it down with water, and now the very scent of of a nutmeg cake makes me want to vomit dusty, dusty vomit-powder.

I’ve written on a few occasions about gentlewomanly living — see Bullish: How to Travel Like a Gentlewoman and Bullish: How To Run Your Career Like A Gentlewoman. Also relevant: Bullish: Financial Planning for Motherhood (Just In Case You’re Not Swedish) and Bullish: Maybe Work-Life Balance Means You Should Work MORE.

Who knows what Angelina really does in that basement for hours at a time? A bottle of scotch, a good book, googling herself, managing her investments online? Designing her awesome life?

Apparently, if you live like a gentlewoman, haters gonna hate. It’s all good.

Send in your questions to bullish@thegloss.com. See a Bullish archive here.

Share This Post:
    • missy

      Jen, I like you. That is all. M

    • Liz

      I have to find a way to incorporate Pitt-Fucking into my regular vocabulary.

    • Jean

      You are full of lies, unhappy ,hateful and jealous set of people….cant think of yourself. GO search UNHCR Ambassador Angelina Jolie. I wish more great things happen to her because she’s an amazing woman. Haters of Jolie will forever be unhappy and hateful!!!! Your angel Jen seem happy fucking her third MAN dont you think?

      • Kite

        Reading comprehension fail. D minus.

        Also fail for slut shaming.

    • jkhkh

      Sorry but half of these things are normal things I even do. Plus i dont trust anything that comes out of a “sources” mouth.
      This site isn’t supposed to be a cheesy rumor magazine. Please write better stories, I know its been a boring day but at least try.

      • Ship

        Did you even read this article?

      • misenhammer

        Man, you’re dumb. And, like, the third comment to complain about how this article hates on Angelina. READ THE ARTICLE, IT CELEBRATES HER FOR BEING NORMAL AND GREAT.

        I’m two months late reading this and I still had to comment just to say– once again– you’re dumb.

    • Amita

      Gentlewomen have better reading comprehension skills than some of the other commenters. Just saying.

    • gail seay

      You are funny as hell! Love your satire. Angelina sounds pretty normal to me. I need to lock myself in the gym or basement to workout for hours and practice portion control. My mother had 8 children and she locked us outside to play until dinner. We all turned out reasonably normal..I think? Good for Angelina on all accounts. Sounds very cool and in control of her very non traditional life.

    • Sensitive

      Love this writer, Jen Dziura.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      I wish the stupidest thing I’d done in high school was wear a shirt repeatedly.

      • mm

        Amen to THAT! haha this is a great post

    • MR

      As I said before I think the world of her. She’s a complete new age woman. Brad’s a very lucky man, but should get on her to ditch the skinny weight thing.

      • Pam

        The answer is called “True Love” …. Brad & Angie forever! Maybe you are also wandering why they are still together because they’re both in love and attracted to each other. What about Brad’s pathetic feeling while with Aniston? How do you call it????? Oh yeah…. also GO search UNHCR Ambassador Angelina Jolie…beautiful and amazing woman!

      • MR

        @Pam

        I think you misread what I said. I said Brad is very lucky to have her, but ‘I think’ she’s gotten too skinny, and Brad should tell her to watch that more carefully – that is get her to ditch (stop) her current, weight loss obsession.

    • Elizabeth

      Is there really “GO search UNHCR Ambassador Angelina Jolie” spam now?

    • Lavette

      You are my hero Jen, love this and love the Jolie-pitts

    • Lisa

      One of my favorite Dziura articles ever! [applause]

    • Emily

      Holy Hell this is fantastic. I am so grateful to have found the Bullish Life. It does my heart good to read someone kick the shit out of those who would look for any excuse to judge things that aren’t wrong and also none of their business. Just because you throw a baby out of your body doesn’t mean you never want to do anything fun with it again. (says the woman with 3 kids and a not-so-small-share of guilt for still being a person AND some people’s mom…)
      Thanks now.

    • Sky

      What a wonderful life! If I had close to the amount of money AJ has, I might have been a mother too. The kids appear to be well taken care of and they probably get the best of their parents, who are not stressed or tired all the time like most everyday families that work long hours with no help.
      I am not necessarily an AJ fan, however, most of us, especially creative people, have quirky behaviors at least as viewed by others. Nothing wrong with that – if it does not hurt anyone else. It is also about prospective. What is odd to one person may be normal for many others and vice versa.
      Unfortunately, women in the spotlight have more attention on their appearance than men. Every article about women includes critiquing about their weight, figure, aging, and so on. You don’t see articles doing the same about men. Men are allowed to age – usually without comment about the lines, tiredness, weight, etc.. Men are not called derogatory names if they are with much younger women. Women like AJ and Demi, and others, might be exceedingly rich and have amazing talent and success, but what is usually discussed in articles is what they are wearing – how it looks on them, and how fat or thin they are, how attractive (or not) they are. Basically, the theme seems to run that okay – you are no longer the thinnest, prettiest woman in town. Bye – bye – you no longer have value. There are younger, prettier woman out there to take your place – and your man – (Pitt – Kutcher, etc.).
      How many of us could withstand that constant critique about our appearance? I would need a psychiatrist on retainer – maybe even living on the premises.

    • Mrs. D

      This is the BEST article ever! I have never been able to understand why so many people hate Angelina! I think she is lovely! She is just like every other woman who has some things in her past that she regrets (or maybe she doesn’t) but she’s overcome them, and now is an awesome woman, mom and wife! The only difference is other women don’t have to go through a growing up transition the way Angelina did. This is an awesome article and I thank you for writing it!

    • Rebel Crafter

      Loved this article! Found it off of Galadarling.com. Looking forward to reading more works!
      http://www.craftingrebellion.com

    • Sophie

      I wish someone would write an article like this for pretty much every other piece of celebrity trash writing…

    • Donna

      This article was fantastic, but dear lord “Pitt-fucking” did not conjure an image of gorgeous Brad, and instead I was invaded by thoughts of sweaty under arms

    • alex

      jen dziura watever her name i think u hate angelina coz u have same name with brads ex how pitty its like u were also dumped get a life and dont ruined someones life just to sell ur arcticle baby im not angelina or brad pitt fan buts its just not fair to do that pitty on u

      • Thomas

        This is meant with kindness: Alex, consider removing your reply, because it shows you didn’t understand the article and it makes you look bad. In her article, she was saying that she does NOT hate Angelina. Just the opposite. You misread the article completely. If you can remove your comment, you should do so as quickly as possible, before everyone points out that you didn’t understand what you read.

      • Rae

        I really hope you are a small child. Or at the very least I hope you haven’t been given a diploma.

    • Malayka

      What an awesome article!

    • Hannah

      This is an amazing article! So funny and so true, i love angelina jolie and for flips sake, why do people find these things that she has apparently done “wrong” so horrifying when certain males like Chris Brown can do so much worse and receive the same sort of attention (albeit negative but with probably around the same coverage/public outcry/articles in trashy tabloids and on gossip sites)?

    • Eliza Don’t-Doo-It

      Two years on and the ‘pitt-fucking’ still bothers me.

      Just saying : /