This Man Doesn’t Believe In Marriage – 10 Reasons Why He’s Wrong

marriage is great

Your Tango just published a piece by a man named Winston explaining why men should avoid the marriage trap. I definitely think it makes sense to avoid the marriage trap with Winston. Because:

1) Winston does not want to get married

2) Wow, Winston does not want to get married

3) No, Winston does not want to get married. He wrote an article about it.

4) If Winston marries “a beautiful oriental lady, he will always be lusting after hot white women.”

5) Winston is almost definitely going to cheat on you.

6) When Winston is in “a committed relationship he constantly has another female that he cares more about and is more interesting to him on his mind.”

7) Being in a marriage with Winston sounds hilariously awful.

8) Winston SO does not want to get married, bro.

9) WINSTON COLORS OUTSIDE THE LINES. THIS GUY WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED BY SOCIETY. WINSTON IS FREE LIKE A FUCKING BIRD.

10) Has Winston mentioned he doesn’t want to get married?

Ladies: do not marry Winston. In fact, do not try to marry men who do not want to get married. Do not try to marry people you need to coerce or threaten or cajole into marriage. Marry people who want to get married and are excited to spend the rest of their lives with you. Hold out for that, because that is the bare minimum of what you should expect when marrying someone.

But. Since we’re here, let’s also evaluate Winston’s reasons that men shouldn’t let themselves get trapped in the nightmare-world that is marriage.

1)  You might regret it… You can’t know what’s going to happen down the line, so why make unrealistic promises? That is foolish and unwise. It is also dishonest in a sense too.

Well, that’s really where the whole “for better or worse” thing comes in. Marriage is a testament not to our faith in our partner’s ability to stay the same (and perfect) forever. They won’t. It’s a testament to faith in ourselves, because saying those vows means that we have faith that we’ll be able to continue loving someone even if – or when – they are their worst self.

2) It will kill your sex life… If sex is important, why kill it off?! By doing so, you’ve shot yourself in the foot – all because society told you to. Now how do you like that? 

Well, first of all, this is factually wrong. According to The National Health And Social Life Survey, married people lead more active sex lives than the single, and married people also express higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives than single people.

But it’s also possible you’ve shot yourself in the foot because you didn’t step it up. Buy the Kama Sutra. Role Play. Have sex on a golf course (that’s a thing people do, right?).  Go to swingers conventions, or threesomes, if your partner is into that. But mostly, have the kind of relationship where you can tell someone that sex is important to you and find a way to get both your needs met. Because one of the greatest advantages of marriage seems is that you will have regular access to someone you find attractive and like sleeping with, who likes sleeping with you, too.

3) You can never experience romantic or sexual variety again without breaking your vows… If you are married to a white woman, you will be lusting after exotic silky feminine oriental women you can never have. If you are married to an oriental lady, you will be lusting after hot white women. Etc. It’s inevitable…No more sexual adrenaline rushes for you. Nothing in marriage can replace such things, for marriage does not provide such stimulation. Marriage is nothing but monotonous routine, kept stable just for the children, not for you.

I once heard from someone who had a long lasting marriage, that marriage meant falling in love with your spouse over and over. And that, because people are constantly evolving, there are always new things to notice and be struck by and marvel at. That sounds really nice. I think those exotic silky feminine oriental women really deserve that.

3b) What if you are no longer sexually attracted to your wife? And then this hot young woman who looks like something from your fantasy comes into your life, or becomes your secretary?

Okay, you need to not sexually harass your secretary.

4) You can never make any new friends of the opposite sex again, without your spouse becoming suspicious or jealous…if she does find out, she will demand that you hide nothing from her and let her see all the communication/correspondence you have with your new “female buddy”.

Huh? Everyone at TheGloss has close friends of the opposite sex. If our boyfriends started demanding we run all our “male buddy” correspondence by them as if we were in prison we would… find them very controlling? Break up with them, probably? Wonder if we’d stumbled into some kind of cult by accident? I think the answer to this is “marry someone who trusts and respects you.”

5) Marriage does not necessarily make you happier… couples either argue or just tolerate each other out of commitment. The myth of “happily ever after” has been disproven endlessly, yet people still believe it.

Well, The British Journal Of Medical Psychology reports that “married men and women enjoy better health and emotional well-being than unmarried men and women” so the odds are at least in your favor there. But more importantly, dude, have you ever been to a nursing home and seen the people who come in to sit and hold their spouses hands when their spouses are crippled by dementia? Of course people fall in love and find that it lasts forever. People don’t believe in happily ever after because they’re gullible or naive, people believe in it because it happens all the time.

6) Divorce rates are high and rising

Yes. Obesity rates are also rising. The cure for that is not “no one should eat food!”  That is not logic.

7) A man could lose his property, assets and children in a divorce…you see it’s a raw deal for men. Marriage protects women and children, at the expensive of men, who are expendable. It gives security to women, and stability to children, but nothing to men. That’s because society cares about women and children, but not men. So don’t let them take advantage of you.

Well, society actually cares about caregivers. Let’s say you’re a woman and you give up your career to raise a child. Your husband is the breadwinner. If he divorces you, you’re going to have an awfully big gap on your resume. It’s going to be hard for you to support that child by yourself, perhaps even in a way it might not have been prior to marriage. This works both ways. There are more and more cases of men electing to be stay-at-home dads who then get alimony from their bread-winning spouse. That said, if it’s a great concern, you can always get a pre-nup.

8. Marriage is artificial and unnatural. Love is a wonderful natural thing between two people that cannot be expressed in words. It lets you experience your biggest highs and lowest lows. It is highly personal too. Now what does that have to do with an artificial government contract? NOTHING! So why does society say it does? Because society wants to CONTROL you!

Most things in life are artificial and unnatural. If we were all behaving as nature dictated, then we would be flinging feces at strangers before we tried to kill them or fuck them in exchange for a slab of raw meat. Today, this only happens at very particular sushi restaurants (if you’re in New York, do stop by Sushi Samba). Society controls you? Okay. By and large, we’re in favor of that.

9) Marriage was created to benefit society and women, NOT men.

We’ve already discussed how statistics evidence that men and women in married relationships have more rewarding sex lives. Men also live longer and earn more money. That seems like a win for men. But I guess you are losing the freedom to be a 50 year old guy at a bar creepily hitting on women you might have drunkly fathered 25 years ago?

 10) Marriage takes away your freedom and liberty. From a certain point of view, marriage is essentially SERVITUDE – to your spouse, to the relationship, and the family as well. It is not freedom. You can’t just do whatever you want or put your own interest first.

No. That is correct. That is also the definition of maturity.

Besides, in return, you get someone who is willing to witness your life. Which is something we want. In an age of Twitter and Facebook and all kinds of social media, we deal so much of our information away to everyone. We deal it away like playing cards. We want so badly to be known. But in the end, there are only a handful of people in your life who will ever really know you, because the things that define us aren’t things that we put in status updates. There are so few people who will know how you respond when you’re tired or cranky or in a rage. That’s the kind of knowledge that takes years, and, to be perfectly honest, in life, there are so few people who will have any interest in knowing you that way. Having sex with someone is easy. Loving someone is easy if you say you’re going to bail as soon as the first rush of infatuation is over. But sticking with someone, and resolving to know them in every way, that seems difficult. But it also seems like what we really want, as human beings. To find someone willing to do that, and who will carry the knowledge of what we are really like around with them each day, that is so rare and miraculous. And if that means putting up with terrible in-laws, and even only having sex with one terrific person forever, well, that’s a pretty small price to pay.

Share This Post:
    • August S.

      It all seems slightly moot: Winston can’t get married anyway, since he is clearly 14 years old at most.

      • hahaha

        yes best comment hands down, totally agreeed

      • Susan Nercher

        And when Winston reaches the age of majority and still doesn’t want to get married, will your heart break? Hahaha

      • Susan Nercher

        And yet you felt the need to comment on a 14-year-old’s comments? Did his comments threaten you that much?

    • April

      Perhaps my favorite line ever: “But I guess you are losing the freedom to be a 50 year old guy at a bar creepily hitting on women you might have drunkly fathered 25 years ago?”

      • Winston

        A man with sexual desires for women is not a creep. That is brainwashing and programming from the feminazi movement that you are spewing. Visit http://www.happierabroad.com

      • rose

        No one said that sexual desire for women is creepy. However, most young women have encountered a situation where they had to deflect the unwanted advances of some unattractive old dude at the bar, or at the office, or elsewhere throughout life.

        We didn’t come to this nightclub to talk to you, Winston. That doesn’t mean we’re feminazis, it means you’re unappealing and we’d kind of like you to leave our table now.

        PS. Stop hawking your tacky sex tourism site in every post.

      • Susan Nercher

        A lot of young men have encountered a situation where they had to deflect the unwanted advances of some unattractive old broad at the bar, or at the office or elsewhere throughout life. Of course these women are called cougars. What makes you think that Winston would even come to your table?
        P.S. Stop thinking that every man wants you. And one day, you will wish that someone like Winston will even look at you. It’s nice to brag about how many men you have turned away but when those men stop coming, you may be the one walking over to men’s tables hoping that they will even acknowledge you.

      • Susan Nercher

        And what about the 50-year-old women who creepily hit on young men? Look at all those female teachers going with young boys – it’s all over the news. They call them “cougars?” Well, why don’t they just call them pigs? That’s what they call the men who go with young women.
        It’s better to be a 50-year-old man hitting on younger women than to be married to an abusive 50-year old woman who will probably cheat on him before divorcing him and taking his money.

    • MR

      Winston’s also a racist. Oriental women? How about Asian, you idiot. I got a solution for him to remain faithful: Marry a Colombian or Equadorian woman since both have mostly Native American (Asian) and some European ancestry – yes, the most beautiful women. Not that they would be stupid enough to have him. Jennifer, you’re right though, again one guy’s perspective, but soulmate is the only way to go.

      • vidzero

        I dont think hes racist just because he said “Oriental” people are too politically correct these days, whats so racist about that word? Its the same as saying “Asian” maybe 10 years from now “asian” will fall out of vogue.

      • Susan Nercher

        You call Winston a racist and then throw out other ethnicities as well? And who says that women with mostly Native American (Asian) and some European ancestry are the most beautiful women? All races have beautiful women.
        Soulmate is the only way to go? Then why do so many marriages fail? You have an unrealistic view of marriage. You have to work at a marriage and not expect your spouse to be at one with your soul. Your spouse will have his own soul that will need to be nurtured as your own soul will. It’s not about two people becoming one but two people respecting each other.

    • Jamie Peck

      Wow, what a jerk. I do feel like open marriages are missing from this discussion, though. They work for some people. Some people I know, even!

      Also, marriage is not for everyone. There are lots of perfectly reasonable reasons someone might not want to get married. None of which he outlined.

      • MR

        Jamie, I can’t say I agree. I did have open relationships with women who were friends with each other, and who shared me, while I was living in South America hanging out on its Bohemian fringe. But I must say I found it difficult to establish any emotional relationship with any of these women. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but from that experience I came to the realization that I much prefer the sex when I’m in an itimate relationship with just one woman.

      • Jamie Peck

        Good for you, so do I. But different things work for different people. Just ask Dan Savage!

      • Susan Nercher

        Exactly. So why are you picking on Winston? Not getting married works for him and many others.

      • Susan Nercher

        An open marriage is not a real marriage. Why bother getting married? Just be friends with benefits and feel free to have relationships with others as well.
        I mean, why not just have “open parenting?” Parents can nurture other children and spend money on them while occasionally coming back to their own children once in a while.
        If you can’t commit, then don’t get married and don’t have children.
        I don’t know why you called him a jerk. You don’t seem to like marriage either.

    • Fabel

      I’m so glad you took word-for-word excerpts from this guy’s terrible essay, eliminating the need for me to click over & read it myself. Because when I tried, I was unable to go further than a paragraph. LOL

      I loved this though, especially your last thoughts (“…you get someone who is willing to witness your life”)

      • Susan Nercher

        Yes, and willing to witness your life as it is torn apart by divorce. LOL

    • porkchop

      Number 9 is so true.

      Marriage is just one of the many clever schemes women came up with, ages ago, to jettison annoying responsibilities like property ownership and personal autonomy. What is wrong with us? Why are we such bitches?

      • Jennifer Dziura

        This!

        What a devious plot.

      • Susan Nercher

        Indeed.
        And now that devious plot is being uncovered.

    • Norah

      your last paragraph is really beautiful :)

      • Maggie

        Agreed! Very well-written Jennifer, the whole article was really wonderful.

        Also, Winston can suck it.

      • Susan Nercher

        Why are you so angry at Winston for his views on marriage? If a woman wrote an article that was against marriage, would you tell her to suck it? Could it be that if more men began to think like Winston does, women like you wouldn’t have all of the choices you do as a result of marrying men and then divorcing them (e.g., alimony, property distribution, child support)?

      • Susan Nercher

        It may be beautiful, but not realistic. Women are the ones who are more likely to file for divorce. They don’t stick with their partners. They plunge everyone, including their own children, into poverty after a divorce. It’s all nice to talk about marriage and soulmates and “having someone to witness your life” but the truth is that when a woman gets bored with her marriage, she will end it. Woman treat marriage like an outfit they bought – they love it at first but then the next day they decide to return it because it just doesn’t look the same.

    • Kj

      What a sweet article, Jennifer! At least at the end.

      My manager and a coworker of mine were talking about this – they were saying how so many men had told them how badly marriage sucked, and “don’t do it!” And they were agreeing (they are both men) that marriage must be evil…

      …and, like this Winston dude, I agree that it’s better that they don’t get married.

      I think it’s a bit of a tradeoff, and sometimes it’s inevitable that you miss the freedom of single life, but it’s really a case of grass-is-greener. This dude is setting him self up to be a poorer version of Hugh Hefner (…and I don’t think Hugh’s lady friends are in it for his witty banter, that’s for sure) …which is just sad.

      If marriage is anything like my experience of cohabition so far, then it rocks! This article on Cracked.com sums it up really well… marriage is having a team mate that is there for you no matter what. When it works well, it makes life SO much easier.

      • Susan Nercher

        Your last sentence says it all. When marriage works well, it makes life SO much easier. But in most cases, it does not work well.

    • Ann Marie

      Poor Winston.
      And, who is going to take care of you if you get a fatal disease? Who will hold you, and tell you it will be okay? Who will be there for you every day as you get weaker and weaker? Who will be at your bedside, telling you all the things she loves about you, even when she is not sure you can even hear her anymore?
      Here is how I answered Winston at Your Tango:

      Being married means having someone to go through the hard things with you, as I did for my late husband last year. He had me. Society said he got to have someone with him.

      But you? You want your freedom. That means freedom to die alone. Won’t that be fun?

      • Somnilee

        My Mum’s recently had cancer surgery and has been recovering in hospital for nearly 2 months due to set backs. Anyway, my Dad goes in a sits with her every day, twice a day if that’s when visiting times are, and one day he was sat rubbing her feet because the nurses told him to do it to boost circulation.

        So there’s my Mum in a hospital gown, half paralysed with an oxygen tube up her nose, and my Dad sat beside her rubbing her feet, and this lady comes past and goes “Aw, isn’t that sweet? It shows you what ‘for better and worse’ really means.”
        But as Dad said, it was nice that she said it, but he also said “Is it really so surprising to some people that ‘for better and worse’ actually exists? It’s not some myth, it’s actually possibe”.

        I think my point was, and I agree with you, a lot of people underestimate the human condition for caring for one another. They want the “freedom” to be able to run when anything gets difficult for them, but then that cuts them off from people being there for them. People will put up with a lot of personal trouble when they care about one another, and people like Winston aren’t going to get that.

      • Susan Nercher

        Considering the fact that so many people divorce when things get difficult, it’s probably better to hold onto your freedom and your money. I am glad your Dad was there for your Mom when she needed him, but that is more of the exception nowadays than the norm.

      • Susan Nercher

        What makes you think that marriage is a guarantee that you won’t die alone? What if your spouse dies first after a long illness? What if your spouse divorces you? The divorce rate among senior citizens has risen as well. In many cases, the kids move out of the house, the couple retires, and then they find that they can’t get along. Considering the high divorce rate, I don’t know what makes people think that marriage means that you will have someone to go through the hard times with. Your argument is based on the notion of what marriage used to be, but not what it has become. Poor Ann Marie.

    • Marty

      Since men usually lose the kids, house, freedom and half their cash in a divorce, I’d say Winston has a point.

      Also, I have yet to see a survey of married men giving opinions on their happiness as it relates to marriage. I wonder why that is…?

      • Fabel

        Winston?

      • Susan Nercher

        Ann Marie?

    • Jennifer Dziura

      “Most things in life are artificial and unnatural. If we were all behaving as nature dictated, then we would be flinging feces at strangers before we tried to kill them or fuck them in exchange for a slab of raw meat. Today, this only happens at very particular sushi restaurants (if you’re in New York, do stop by Sushi Samba). Society controls you? Okay. By and large, we’re in favor of that.”

      I heart you, Editrix.

      • Susan Nercher

        Yes, people like the idea of control as long as they are the ones doing the controlling. But what if society controlled you and you had no control over your own life whatsoever? Then you wouldn’t be in favor of that. Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it.
        I heart you, Freedom

    • Erin

      This article, including the comments, just made my day. FAVORITED!

      • Susan Nercher

        Well, if you believe in an unrealistic, fantasized view of marriage, yes, the article would make your day. So, marry a man who makes a lot less than you do without a prenuptial agreement. Prove that you really love marriage by “womaning up” and willing to make the necessary sacrifices even if it means you may lose everything when he decides to divorce you. Let’s see if you will “FAVORITE” Winston’s article then.

    • lady

      Your response to number 8 could stand to be more convincing, but I agree with you about everything else — especially number 9, since he got it wrong. Marriage is limiting and demeaning to women – everyone since Marx has known that. It keeps people in rigid gender roles, imposes limitations on them, and excludes others — not just from being able to marry but from being able to get the benefits of marriage (taxes, healthcare, societal respect, etc.)

      • MR

        Interesting point. Yeah marriage was first established to facilitate the transfer of property, that is from the male parent to the male children created in the marriage. Though as women’s rights have progressed, the institution’s function has also progressed. Women now have property rights and are now free to divorce so it’s not a prison. But I think you’re right – yeah maybe society’s gender roles cause women to still want to marry. It’s possible to be with only one person and enjoy a very rewarding sex life without being married. But men (including myself) have to keep up our end of the bargain. And what’s the best way for women to make sure that men do that?

      • Susan Nercher

        So marriage is a bargain? I thought marriage was a bond based on mutual love, respect and compassion. But I guess some believe that marriage is some kind of sex bargain in which men have to keep up their end? If you’re getting married just to keep up your end of the bargain in exchange for sex, then marriage is nothing but another form of prostitution.

      • Susan Nercher

        Actually, he didn’t necessarily get #9 wrong. Marriage did mean that men became responsible for women. If a woman incurred debt or committed a crime, a man could be held responsible for her actions if he was her husband. Men were expected to work to support their wives and in the old days, work did not mean an enjoyable career. Work meant employment in mines, sewers, construction, slaughterhouses, ships, factories, hot, smelly, inky offices and worse. Women were happy to get married and stop working. And when a husband died, she could get a widow’s pension. When a woman divorced her husband, she could get alimony (sometimes referred to as divorcee’s pension). Life wasn’t so great for men, either.

    • PLK

      I read these comments and I feel better already.

      Whew! That’s settled – marriage is great!!!!!

      • Susan Nercher

        Until the divorce!!!!!!

    • JNodine

      I am a man in a plural marriage with three wives, and it is fulfilling and Godly.

      Marriage is the right thing to do. Happy to see future sister-wives on the same page.

    • Winston

      I am not advocating that people be alone. If you meet your soulmate that you want to be with, then great. I’m all for that. But make an oral commitment or get a private marriage. Don’t involve the government in your relationship, or else if you get a divorce, it will be very expensive, messy and complicated. There’s no logical reason why you can’t commit or marry under your own contract without involving the state or government. None at all. Think about it.

      Winston Wu
      HappierAbroad.com

    • Winston Wu

      Isn’t it true that the real reason why most people get married is simply because everyone else is and they don’t want to be left out?

      If you think about it, isn’t that a stupid reason?

      If you think about it, you realize that it’s not necessary to involve the government in your life and create an artificial contract like that. You can have a monogamous commitment without marriage, by simply living together and being together. Why involve the government? That makes everything messy, complicated and expensive if you decide to divorce later.

      Plus it doesn’t make sense to swear an oath to love someone forever. I mean, what if you change your mind later or regret it? How can you promise never to change your mind?

      Most people are stupid sheep and believe everything they are told. That’s why they are sent to school – so that they can memorize large volumes of data to regurgitate them on tests, which condition them to obey and accept everything they are told without question. That’s why most people mistakenly assume that “Authority = Truth” when it does not. But once you start questioning things rather than taking them on faith, you realize that most of what we are told and taught are FALSE LIES.

      That’s the important lesson I wish to impart to you all.

      Winston Wu
      http://www.happierabroad.com

    • WWu777

      Also, you folks have to understand that not everyone is the same. Marriage isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for freedom junkies. It isn’t for polyamorous guys who love more than one woman, etc.

      Your fallacy is that you assume that everyone is the same and that everyone wants to conform to tradition and that freethinkers don’t exist. That is not true.

      Check out this intelligent letter I got about my marriage views:

      “One of the reasons I respect you is your ability to think independent of the masses.

      You’re completely right about marriage, divorce and the government. The contract isn’t necessary (one can live together and opt for a co-hab agreement, to protect his assets). When you take away a man’s freedom, you take away a man’s power. Marriage is a game of exploitation. Divorce is a game of extortion. All sanctioned by the government.

      Currently, marriage is designed to empower the woman and disempower the man.
      It’s a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffer-ring..lol.

      I teach my students/clients never to marry before 30. If you take away the (socially/culturally) romantic fantasy surrounding marriage, you began to see it for what it really is, just another business contract, advantageous to the woman and gov’t. When you marry you’ve just compromised away 80% of your power. As a man, your power is in your Money, Rights and Freedom. The institution of marriage weakens/exploits your position in all three areas, while a divorce robs/extorts. All the research shows that 70% of woman initiate divorce proceedings because the have a favorable legal and financial incentive to do so.

      Keeping your options open is smart, because when a man have OPTIONS, he has POWER.”

    • R A H

      I’ve been engaged twice and called it off both times realizing marriage just wasn’t for me. I know that if I got married I would want to cheat sooner or later, and I can’t do that to somebody. I suppose everyone, male and female, gets tempted eventually, but I prefer to be able to give in if I choose.

      However, I can completely see the appeal of having a life partner to love and trust and face the mean, mean world with. I know that I’m missing out on that, and it’s probably the best choice for most people, especially if they want to raise children.

      Why Winston sees marriage as some sort of antagonistic dealing is beyond me. Creating a false rivalry between men and women isn’t advantageous to either side. I’m sorry that he’s never met a woman he connected with on any level other than physical attraction. It’s different for people who trust and collaborate with their significant others. I feel like this guy’s never had a female friend.

      Also, marriage doesn’t necessarily benefit women– historically it’s quite the opposite. Modern Western marriages protect the party with lesser earnings in case of divorce, but that doesn’t always = wife. I’m a chemical engineer; there’s a good chance that if I got married I’d outearn my husband.

      • Susan Nercher

        I don’t know why you are puzzled that Winston sees marriage as some sort of antagonistic dealing when you admitted at the beginning of your post that you called off your engagements twice and realized that marriage isn’t for you. You apparently haven’t bonded with someone either. In your last sentence, you stated that if you got married, there’s a chance that you would outearn your husband. So what? Sounds like you see marriage as being antagonistic and a rivalry as well.

    • TST

      I know this is an old article but felt the need to add my 2 cents also.

      Winston comes off as a very bitter/insecure individual. Then I saw that he is a regular at happierabroad.com and just had to shake my head.

      As a biracial daughter of an American soldier and oriental woman, sites like that really, really disgust me, as do the majority of members. They are so demeaning to both western women and oriental women. REAL men don’t act the way those chumps do.

      Best thing to do with people like Winston is let them rot in their own misery. Men that are “happy” in life (married or not) don’t sit around ranting about things they dislike but have no affect on them.

      What’s really sad is how he repeats the same thing over and over, almost like a mantra. Maybe someday he will be foolish enough to believe himself.

      • Susan Nercher

        You sound bitter and insecure yourself. If you are so “happy,” why did you feel the need to put down Winston for his views on marriage? REAL women don’t need to put down anyone just because someone disagrees with them. You would like to believe that Winston is miserable but maybe you are not exactly too happy yourself?