• Wed, Jan 4 2012

Dating Hijinks: The Guy Who Wanted To Be Law & Order‘s Elliot Stabler

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

My friends are far more desperate than I am to land me a boyfriend. It’s amazing the stretches they’ve made in trying to find a common thread between me and a potential mate: “You’ll love him! You both have eyes and own socks!” And sadly, this is not an exaggeration.

I’m always hesitant when it comes to setups, because it’s pretty damn clear that no one I know truly understands what I’m looking for in a significant other. But eventually curiosity kicks in, the incessant badgering wears me down and I agree to meet the person in question: “You’ll love him! You both breathe and adore Law & Order!”

It was a Sunday night when I agreed to meet Dean at a bar in my neighborhood. Although our date was officially at 8pm, he texted me around 7 to say he was already in my ‘hood and asked if he could come by. Normally, I wouldn’t let a stranger into my apartment probably because I do watch too many Law & Order episodes, but since he was a friend of a friend, I assumed the likelihood of him chopping me up into tiny pieces was fairly low. I also wasn’t even remotely close to being ready, so I flipped on one of the many channels that plays Law & Order practically 24/7 and told him to come over. I figured having it on would allow me time to get ready without having to chat too much, and honestly, I wasn’t exactly psyched about having him there so early. Had I been thinking, I would have made up a lie that I was stuck in an elevator somewhere–you know, usual type of everyday occurances, but I wasn’t quick on my feet that particular day.

Dean arrived, promptly removed his shoes and made himself comfortable on the couch. I jumped in the shower and prepared myself for the date. Despite my strict policy against dating hipsters, Dean was exactly that: skinny jeans, ironic mustache and a Members Only jacket. It didn’t matter what happened that night, we were doomed. It’s hard to date someone whose jeans are even skinnier than yours.

When I was done getting fancy for our big night on the town–actually one block away from my place–I told Dean we should blow this taco stand and get a drink. However, Dean didn’t move; he was completely engrossed in the Law & Order episode that was on, and kindly asked if we could catch the ending of it before heading out. Although I had seen the episode at least 50 times, I agreed; and when the next one started, as they do with marathons, I also agreed that we could stay for that one as well.

I sat next to Dean in silence as he watched the TV in a way that only a non-owner of a TV would. When I asked him if he owned a television, he quietly hushed me and said he did. By the time 11pm rolled around, I was done watching Law & Order with this person and if he wasn’t going to get a drink with me, I was going to leave him behind and go drinking by myself. Reluctantly, Dean got up and we headed out to the bar… where he spent the next 90 minutes talking about how he always wanted to be a cop and Elliot Stabler was his hero.

It’s great to have heros, but when your hero is a character on a television show, it’s a bit much. I love Liz Lemon, but I wouldn’t call her my hero. I reserve that honor for Tina Fey, obviously.

And so on and on he went about Elliot Stabler, his passion for his job, his relationship with Olivia Benson and how he, Dean, wanted to get the exact tattoo that Stabler has on his arm. I felt like I was with a 13-year-old girl who had just discovered Edward Cullen and couldn’t wait to grow up so she could tattoo his likeness on her forehead.When 2am rolled around, I told him I needed to go home.

During that evening, the only thing I learned about Dean was that he was from Minnesota and worked as a graphic designer–I don’t even know where, because his Elliot Stabler obsession took presidence in our conversation. Not once did he ask me a single thing about me, which in my book, is not OK. If I’m not talking about myself, I’m usually pretty bored. No, I kid! Fine, I’m being completely serious.

When I told my friend the following weekend how the date went, she didn’t believe me. Of course I did exaggerate to the point where Dean was drooling every time Stabler came on the screen, but I figured she deserved an extra bit of entertainment for the guilt she felt from setting me up with him. [tagbox tag="dating"]

The handful of times I heard from Dean after that, I was quick enough on my feet to text back that I was indeed stuck in an elevator or had been kidnapped by a bunch of 10-year-olds, and eventually he started dating my friend who set us up. The relationship didn’t last, and she swears it had nothing to do with an Elliot Stabler fixation. By then he had moved on to Steve Buscemi‘s character, Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire.

Need someone with whom you can cuddle on the couch and watch your own TV obsessions? Yeah you do! TheGloss dating page has exactly what you’re looking for in a television buddy.

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