• Fri, Jan 6 2012

Video: ‘Toddler And Tiaras’ Mom Preps Her Daughter For A Life Of Chemical Dependency With ‘Special Juice’

Think you are as horrified as you will ever be by the antics of the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras? Think again! A preview video from the upcoming season shows a woman named June momming the hardest of any pageant mom yet by giving her daughter a mystery “special juice” to get her hyped up for competition.

“It’s just to help her energize her,” June helpfully explains of the juice, which I’m guessing is some toxic combination of sugar water and caffeine. “[Some people say] you’re doping your child up…no I’m not. I’m not hurting her.” Because excessive amounts of sugar are not in any way related to cavities, childhood obesity, or general poor health.

“My go go juice is kicking in right now!” young Alana squeals after chugging the bottle, then proceeds to have a meth-like freak out during which she slurs that she is “ready to go.” Is it just me, or is this the exact plot of every Lifetime movie-of-the-week about a fictitious coke-addicted stripper?

Perhaps even more disturbing than her dependence on the juice, though, is her assertion she wants to be “a couponer, like her mom” when she grows up, because that is not a job. Also, I don’t want to get all Henry Higgins on you, but does anyone else think this child could use some elocution lessons? Maybe she’d stop getting “third runner-up” if she, ostensibly a native speaker of the English language, stopped needing subtitles to be understood. In the many stages of childhood development, I firmly hold that “learning to talk” should come before “dressing up like Daisy Duke” and “getting addicted to drugs.”

(Via The New York Daily News)

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  • A

    Holy shit, that was horrifying. I don’t even know where to begin. How many chins does that woman have? And how many years of therapy is that child going to need? Ugh.

  • Steve P

    Why can’t they just let the kids be kids?!

  • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

    HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD

  • anon

    Childhood obesity, much?

  • Somnilee

    I don’t think I’d really have a problem with child pageants if it was actually just “look at my child, she’s adorable and has some kind of talent she can demonstrate”.
    But it’s entirely wrong when they plaster a small child in makeup and sequins, hype them up with chemicals and put them on the stage at the expense of their normal development (because that’s what a lack of speech is, I’m guessing with all that running around pageants the girl probably doesn’t go to daycare). Poor thing.

  • Elizabeth

    I don’t understand how the Always Sunny gang could have a child beauty pageant episode and somehow make child beauty pageants *less* creepy than they really are.

  • Jennifer

    Sorry to you ever write anything other than vapid articles about bad tv or sex toys. Jesus.

    Gloss please can you try to get real writers?

  • Coalea

    Not sure who was more horrifying – the mother or the child. Although, since one is responsible for the other, I guess that makes the mom the “winner.” Ugh, off to go bleach my brain now!