• Fri, Jan 6 2012

I Don’t Find Johnny Depp Sexy

johnny depp sexy

Johnny Depp is single now! Everyone is thrilled right!? Not me, I hate everything.

I remember realizing at 15 that, when asked what movie stars you found sexy, you were really not supposed to say “Jeremy Irons.” Not a lot of people love Brideshead. Fine. The correct answer was always Johnny Depp. When I did that teenage girl thing where you discuss movie stars you found attractive I always replied, instinctively, as you know to say “fine” when people ask you how you are, “Johnny Depp.” I just never figured out why. I mean, I knew why I was saying that (because teenage years are terrifying, and teenage girls are ruthlessly attuned to any sign of weirdness!) but I couldn’t figure out why that was the correct answer.

Look, I really like Johnny Depp as an actor. I think he is a brilliant actor, who is especially excellent at playing oddballs. I think Don Juan DeMarco is a very romantic, touching movie. I would like to be friends with Edward Scissorhands! And wow, in The Libertine did Johnny Depp ever play the Earl of Rochester as though he, Johnny Depp, actually had syphilis. As though his nose was just about to fall right off. And no one can play a drunken pirate like Johnny Depp can.

The thing is, I just have this strong suspicion that trying to have a relationship with Johnny Depp would be like trying to have a relationship with a drunken pirate.

I think the above picture kind of sums up everything that would unnerve me about that prospect – even though he looks great. Namely, that you would try to have a conversation about something reasonably straightforward with him, and he would begin playing the piano and then smoking and then say something like “do you want to go skydiving in Cuba? Let’s take some ether and go.” And you would reply “no, I wanted to talk about whether or not we should make pasta for dinner.”

Okay, maybe that is exactly why Johnny Depp is considered sexy. Because he seems like he is wildly unpredictable and slightly manic, all the time. Admittedly, I’m only basing that off of every role he’s ever played and every interview he has ever given.

But whenever I think about what that would actually be like, it doesn’t feel sexy, it feels really, really stressful. That kind of crazy energy seems like it would never allow me enough time to relax in the way you need to to feel attracted to someone. Meanwhile, I can pretty easily picture, say, young Jeremy Irons making a bowl of gnocchi while I uncork wine, which is a much more “I could feel comfortableand really enjoy sex with this person” scenario in my brain.

Basically, this post could really be entitled “I hate things that are exciting, no surprise parties ever, please.” But yes, basically the fact that Johnny Depp’s energy seems cranked up – on a scale of 1 to 10 – to 73 all the time is a tremendous turn-off for me. Too much energy, not enough capacity to sit still and be slightly brooding an attractive for a while. Maybe that’s because to my mind it’s sexier to be able to sit quietly with someone for a while, reading or listening to music or, especially having a conversation where 7 different facial tics are not occurring all at once. I think, as Johnny Depp said in Alice and Wonderland, he just always strikes me as a bit too much muchness.

That, and I can never imagine him without tremendous amounts of eyeliner.

So. That is why I don’t find Johnny Depp sexy. Mystery solved! Feel free to explain why he is terrifically sexy, and I am terrifically wrong. Shame me like we’re all 15 again, it’ll make me feel so young.

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Brie

    I don’t find him sexy for the same reason I don’t find hobos sexy (e.g. they falsely pretend they can play the piano in order to look cool).

  • fuzzirella

    I agree! I thought he was kinda cute when I watched 21 Jump Street, but never enough for me to put pictures of him in Tiger Beat all over my walls. And now I can’t think of him as anyone else but Jack Sparrow, and I’m pretty sure Jack Sparrow has the worst possible breath in the world.

    • yessica

      I don’t agree at all because Johnny Depp is and he always be sexy that’s why he was named the Sexiest Man alive 2 times and the Sexiest Man Alive all time for People Magazine..and if he was named like this is because he is hot.I find Johnny more attractive even than Robert flated-face Pattinson ,I dont care his age or his hobo look..for me he is beautiful no matter what.Love you Johnny and please ..be good

  • endn

    totally baffled by the johnny depp party as well! i can think of about a trillion sexier men alive including a couple of Ironses. I don’t even think his acting is too great, especially recently– it’s all, oo look I have long hair I’m bohemian my voice is kinda gravelly I may or may not be wearing eyeliner, OR (this is the only other option) i’m in a stupid tim burton movie looking freaky for no reason, how kooky are we?!?! in the 90′s at least he had a cool kate moss-y heroin rebel thing going on; now he’s older, he looks dirty and wears makeup and it’s just contrived and embarassing.

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    I found him more attractive when he was younger and box office poison. He was good-looking in Dead Man. Now he looks a bit too cartoony even for me.

    And yeah, seconding the “too manic for an actual relationship” thing.

  • Fabel

    He’s only 5’8″! Or something like that? I couldn’t drudge up any attraction for him after I found that out.

  • Queen Aeron

    OMG I’m so glad to finally be able to admit that I don’t find him all the sexy either. And Jude Law is another one I don’t get. Maybe because he’s been such a douchebag (he is the one who slept with the babysitter, right?) One of my friends thinks both are the hottest guys on the planet and I’m like “meh”! Give me Scott Bakula anyday and I’m over the moon.

    • Megan

      Have you ever seen Scott Bakula do an onscreen kiss? The guy is perfect in all ways…except the kissing. Oh dear god the kissing.

    • rachel

      Mmmm…you dont like the pretty boys,..you like OLD guys!

  • Amy

    100% Agree!
    The guy I can’t get enough of right now is Henry Cavill. Google image him and tell me you don’t get actual physical chills.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I WILL ACCEPT HIS PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE.

    • Eagle Eye

      OMG He is the one of the ONLY reasons I was actually able to watch the Tudors, esp at the end when the whole show went even more downhill…

      SO.MUCH.PRETTY

  • Spastastic

    “Okay, maybe that is exactly why Johnny Depp is considered sexy. Because he seems like he is wildly unpredictable and slightly manic, all the time. Admittedly, I’m only basing that off of every role he’s ever played and every interview he has ever given.”

    Hmm… I understand about the roles, but in interviews I’ve always thought he comes off as pretty low-key. He started taking on eccentric characters because he hated the “teen idol” status he was starting to get from 21 Jump Street. He’s always seemed to me to be, in real life, pretty down to earth and somewhat uncomfortable with being a star.

    Or maybe I’m just one of those crazy people who thinks they know what a celebrity is like just because they follow them as a fan.

  • tequila mockingbird

    I thought I was the only person who had the hots for Jeremy Irons!

  • Vajoliroja

    Wow. Hmmmm….. Didn’t think there was a “real” woman on the planet who didn’t see the innate sexiness in dear Mr. Depp. Oddly, I was never attracted to him in 21 JS because I thought he was just another beefcake with nothing else going for him (like Matthew McConaughey, whom I DON’T find in the least bit sexy ~ gross!). However, John has grown on me as an adult woman (the same age as him) because of his generous nature, love for his children, and humble personality ~ that all just enhances his perfect bone structure for me! I find that his sexiness is just as much about WHO he is on the inside as what he looks like on the outside, which he tries so hard to disguise. Gotta love a guy who tries NOT to look as gorgeous as he really is! Anyway, I respect your opinion, just was shocked that there was actually a warm-blooded heterosexual woman who didn’t see all of these qualities as being “sexy!”

    • Corissia

      THANK YOU. I never found him attractive either. I also don’t get Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, although the later may have to do with him looking a lot like my dad.

  • DebMoore

    Too funny! I do find Johnny Depp sexy but like for a dirty one night stand. My husband also likes JD but we have talked several times about we would not want to be friends with him because it would be hard to have a conversation with him. I picture him talking about obscure poets and feelings or emotions I didn’t even know exsited.

  • Kayla

    I thought he was sexy until I read an interview he gave to Rolling Stone with Keith Richards in 2007. Then I realized he’s an asshole. An asshole that is an outstanding actor, but still an asshole. I’ll pass on the skydiving in Cuba.

    • Carrot Juice

      YES! I found him attractive until I read an interview in Vanity Fair, I think, a few years ago. All he did was brag about his conspicuous consumption habits. Completely reversed my feelings on him.

  • January24

    I find him to be an attractive and somewhat magnetic person in general. But he gives off a truly gay vibe to my eyes. I know, I know. He’s been in a straight relationship and has two kids. That means nothing.

  • Holly

    I’ve always found his face to be rather rat-like. He seems like he could use a good washing, too. People do fawn over him, though don’t they?

    • rachel

      Holly….you need glasses…really.Because Johnny’s face is beautiful and he still look young

  • Spicy Tuna

    Young Jeremy Irons is the very definition of yum…but you are selling him rather short. Have you seen all his movies? He loves sexual deviants. He might have that upper class accent, but he’s twisted. Might be great if you like that sort of thing. At least he’s not a man-boy who thinks acting is putting on bad accents and hamming it up, cough, JD.

    • rachel

      This article is rididiculous…how you can say that JEREMY IRON IS SEXY?..ARE YOU SERIOUS? you can’t compare this two guys..how old is jeremy iron?.65?.JOHNNY DEPP IS GORGEOUS,SEXY AND CHARMING…the thing is he dosen’t care about his look,he doesn’t want to be george clooney or brad…or has their look! He is original and if he wants he kill all of them! And who is that who said that Scott Bakuld is sexy?…all are crazy here..come on!!

  • yessica

    OMG..it’s easy bashing Johnny now..doesn’t it?Johnny Depp is one of the best looking guys in Hollywood and in the whole world too. Johnny was named THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2 TIMES and one THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ALL TIME FOR PEOPLE MAGAZINE.And if he was named like this is cause He Is SEXY.Johnny is hotter than even Robert flated-face Pattinson and many more for me. And I dont care about the hobo look..he is cool and hot no matter what.Love you Johnny!

    • Tulip

      Do you work for People magazine?

  • yessica

    I dont care this article..JOHNNY DEPP is the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE EVER!

  • fan

    He’s not MY idea of sexy either. I second the Bakula Babes above….yeah he’s easy on the eyes but I like my men taller, more natural, and more rugged.

  • Not A JD FAN

    Personally I don’t understand why so many people are obsessed with this man in the first place. I stopped being a fan of his because of other fans then when he made the comment regarding wishing those roosters in Rum Diary would have killed each other was so offputting, I was done for good and could care less if I EVER see another movie of his EVER..sure, I like some of his movies, and I guess he is easy on the eyes but I see so many other fans out there who secretly wish they were with him, but can see their lives falling apart around them…and it makes me wonder what is so wrong with their own lives that they think they will be any happier with him…trust me, they wouldn’t. And I am not the only one sick to death of Captain Jack either….

    • wanda

      @By Not A JD FAN..I realize that you are not a JD fan….you say it in your name too!I’m gonna tell you that any animal was hurt in that movie,and I dont belive he doesn’t care about animals.maybe he was in drugs when he said that ..I think he is a good guy,but nobody is perfect.And about Captain Jack…I love him and many more too ..POTC4 grossed $1000worldwilde ..that’s mean so many people still love him…NICE!

  • Not a JD Fan either…

    I TOTALLY agree with you. I heard that he’s being nasty as he can be on purpose because he’s getting fed up with the fame game and WANTS to go away, and his best defense is a good offense.

    Personally I kind of wish he WOULD go away so these fans who are the smothering mother types who act like he is some sort of breakable, fragile god would go away…I wanna see them freak out. They are so nasty and ugly to one another, they kind of deserve for their God to abandon them. I call that Karma.

  • Cate

    Jennifer, you are wonderful and always right. Ryan Gosling is not sexy and Johnny Depp, while sexy looking, really does seem like a very stressful person and therefore not actually that sexy. If he could hold his own in a friendship with Hunter S. Thompson he has to be absolutely exhausting to be around.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Oh. God, I know! And I love reading Hunter S. Thompson, I just feel like I could only maintain chit-chat with him for… 17 minutes. That would be all. 17 minutes.

  • LaLa

    1) Jeremy Irons. You have no idea how happy I am to find out someone my age feels the same way about him. I fell in love with his voice when he was Scar and I’ve loved him ever since. I know, I know, this says a lot about me (even as a child I loved the villains). I don’t care. It’s EFFING JEREMY IRONS! 2) I want to tell all theses ladies (maybe some gays??) who love Johnny Depp just to take a good, long, hard look at him. Does he look like someone who showers often? Or wears any kind of deodorant? Yeah, he looks like he smells like road kill to me. Not somebody I would want on top of me for any length of time.

    • wanda

      Well..this article is weird..is about finding sexy a old man called Jeremy Irons !! How is this possible?..some people are crazy,I prefer Johnny Depp and Ryan Gosling by far..and over me !

    • vajoliroja

      U ro so right, LaLa, when you say that Johnny looks like someone who smells bad, but the funny thing is that EVERYONE who has ever talked about meeting him, however briefly, has mentioned how GOOD he smells (perhaps surprisingly because maybe they were expecting him to smell bad, too). I have met him on several occasions and have always found him to be infinitely accomodating to his throngs of fans, very humble, and very funny (he has a great giggle). I even hugged him once and I can verify that, in fact, he smells like HEAVEN! Very clean and fresh ~ like he just showered, and wearing a hint of fragrance (I think he said it was Lagerfeld). He looks you right in the eye and gives you his full attention, even when people are screaming his name behind you. He’s just a great guy, which is the truth of it, whether or not anyone else chooses to believe it. And, he’s even MORE stunning in person, if you can believe it. Photos don’t do that man any justice!

  • Tom Hagood

    Oh, I don’t find him sexy either, but then I’m a heterosexual guy!

  • Jamie Peck

    Someday you will meet a manic pixie dream boy who will take you dancing in the rain and shake you out of your complacent bourgeois existence. And they will make a movie about it, and he will be played by Johnny Depp AND Ryan Gosling.

    • Tania

      This comment made me giggle a lot.

      Also, I would totally do both Johnny and Ryan. Maybe not at the same time, though.

  • MR

    Jennifer, please correct me if I’m wrong. I do like all PBS and did like the Brideshead series – but mostly because it supported my disdain of the British Royals – yeah Wills is a genius for marrying a commoner. But Charles Ryder was the classic ‘nice guy’. Hmm which causes me to posit a theory. That is, that you are a closet Ryan Gosling admirer? :) Again this from just one guy’s perspective – and yes, I realize I’m on very, very dangerous ground….

    • Jennifer Wright

      NEVER! Okay, the thing about Jeremy Irons is that he seems like he’s someone who could go out and be very well mannered and gentlemanly in public (maybe even seeming a bit stand-offish), and then pounce on you with crazy passion when you got home. Johnny Depp seems like he would be all crazy passion all the time. Ryan Gosling seems like when you got home he would say “hey girl, let’s watch a fun show about design and talk more about our feelings.”

    • MR

      Jennifer, I wasn’t trashing Jeremy Irons. I always liked his stuff: ‘Reversal of Forune’ is a classic. So it’s the passion? I’ve always been a follower of that from the man’s side so I’ll concede to you this time. I guess I have to watch some more of Gosling’s films. I thought ‘Blue Valentine’ was pretty cutting edge. Especially that scene in the garage where he gets the shit kicked of him facing 3 to 1 odds, for standing up for a woman.

  • me]

    1st of all

  • A Kat

    This is the funniest thing! My exact type of humor!

    Let’s cut to the chase. I felt the same way you did. I couldn’t understand, or fine – I could understand why he’d be considered handsome, but what I didn’t understand was the insane scale of admiration and craziness and in-love-ness surrounding him like a heavy fog of smoke (most likely cuban cigarettes).

    “He’s so damn weird”, I thought. “His hair… yuk. His odd voice, ugh”. And I just never fell for it, busy as I was with my crushes on Jessie Eisenberg and Milo Ventimiglia.

    And suddenly I’m adviced to see the new movie, 21 Jump Street. “Hm, isn’t that really a TV serie?” I thought and thought right as well. I go to youtube and find many old episodes from this five year long cop series from 1987 about people in their early twenties going undercover to solve hormonal stupidity, such as drug use and rape. Johnny Depp being one of the police officers.

    And here, my world kind of changed. I’d never seen him like that. So young, yet exuding a very unique sense of manliness. It helped me get the better impression, he talked. He didn’t mumble. He showed some sort of vulnerable expression without it being too obvious, or indeed fake at all. (Did you SEE season 1 – episode 13????? DO IT! DO IT FOR ME!!!!!)

    I have no idea who he is or how comfortable and easy it would be to have dinner with him. He does seem to be a bit difficult to have a smooth conversation with but he somehow had a woman by his side for 14 years so he must’ve managed to at least say yes or no to pasta. My only point is that I was like you – and got this revelation all of the sudden. It may be gone again, but I guess once you’ve fallen in love with parts of his persona, it’s just embarrasingly difficult to not join the choir of “omg, he’s sooo sexy”. (Yet I do stay away from those phrases. I’m not the type to say it.)

    Because that’s all I see nowadays. I don’t see him mumbling about in a mix of French, American and some language he created on his own while sporadically hiding a smile no one knows why came and looking to the left, right, left, left, stroking his beard, downing a bottle of red wine, looking left again, right, left.

    I see some real essence in a bit of a troubled, or fed up mind. And I wont debate or discuss or figure out that essence because I think the essence is what no one can explain about Johnny Depp: the recipe of what makes him truly attractive. I can still see it though, bright as day though not really exposed ever to anyone. ‘Cause what the hell’s an essence, right? Is it like a soul? Or an aura? It’s most likely not scientifically tested, proven or considered. This unknown thingy however, is not physical either, or marked by eyes or actions or by the way he forms his sentences. It’s just a forceful, calm, real personality that has no other way of coming out besides through his pupils, his pores, his tone of voice and being in general. And it’s mine. It’s my impression. It’s why I’ve fallen in love (in a dreamy-will-never-meet-him-kind of way). Because I’ve seen what’s behind all the hype and all the 15-year old girls’ superficial comments and judgements. I fell in love on my own, in a country on the other side of the world, in my extremely small bedroom and what I saw in him was not life changing or mindblowing or even beautiful. It was just REAL.

    Rethinking, I’m guessing that’s what every girl say or feel. How special and unique and original he is. But I don’t think he is. Maybe he’s just really normal, put in a strange setting of screaming women, movies, red carpets and predictable interviewers. And I’m telling ya… at 25, I think he was who he really is.

    I wouldn’t have sex with him because he’s probably changed and I don’t know him even though I’ve created all these theories. I’m just fascinated, that’s all. I’d love to have a smooth conversational dinner with him, see how it would feel, how he would feel. And does sexy have to mean that I’d need to do him? I don’t! Yet I’ve been in love quite a few times before without the same intensity. So I don’t get this at all. All I get is that I need to seek professional help to stop writing nonsense.

    (I really can’t wait for you to answer!! You write so well!)
    A Kat.