Got Any Good Dead Pet Stories?

dead fish

I mean, here’s one. Because at TheGloss we don’t just bring you fashion and beauty, we bring you impromptu eulogies.

Courtesy of my friend Ted, who is memorializing his childhood fish, here, with us. With all of you sweet, painted, mean girls.

About 6 years ago, I had a fish tank stocked with these stupid aggressive fish that needed to eat these 5 cent feeder goldfish. I bought a couple and tossed them in, presumably to their doom. I woke up the next morning to find all of the fish dead, no: massacred. All except for one 5 cent feeder fish and his buddy. These fish won the respect of my family through their gladiatorial victory. They could stay.

5 years went by and these 2 best friend ninjas got huge. Like, almost as big as those fish you see in sushi places. Then one day we found one of them belly up. We put that guy out to pasture (read: toilet), only to find the other fish wouldn’t move. He wouldn’t eat. He just sat there for 3 months at the bottom of the tank, nearly motionless. 

He sort of came to life one morning as my mom went to drop some fish food in there. He wiggled to the top, and waited on his side, pretending to be dead. Mom literally started petting him on his side, whispering mom stuff to him, and he slowly realized how silly his suicide attempt was. 

That little guy went along like this for another year, feeding, being petted, swimming, until he finally gave up the ghost this week, far outliving his 5 cent quota. We never named either of them, partially out of fear, partially out of respect. They will both live on in our hearts.

You can either leave you condolences for Ted and his loss in the comments, or you can top this with more impressive stories about the pets of your youth. I guess it really depends on what kind of person you are.

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    • Gypsy

      The fish liked to be “petted”?!?!?! That is awesome and a little weird at the same time. I’m sorry for your loss. They sound like they were both pretty awesome fish. And again, just goes to show how close two beings can bond. Even ones with “no memory”.

    • Georgie

      My childhood dog died when I was housesitting when my parents were away on a cruise. Which was traumatic enough. But I also didn’t want to ruin their trip for them. So every time they called (all the time) and asked about the dog, who was sickly, but NOT DEAD, when they left I was left saying things like “he’s…sob…fine. Just…being a dog. In a….sob… meadow someplace.”

    • Lindsey

      I went on vacation for two weeks and left my fish in the care of a friend. Her instruction was to feed them, and clean the tanks once. The thermometer broke (so she couldn’t test out how hot the water was that she was putting back in the fish tank). I told her to go to the hardware store (a block away from her house) and pick one up, and that I’d repay her as soon as I got back home. This is a, btw, six dollar purchase. Max. So, she disregarded my advice, killed both my fish. Forever bitter.

    • Elizabeth

      Jesus. Finding Nemo would have been so much more awesome if it’d been about a pair of 5 cent feeder fish going crazy and massacring some sharks.

    • Katie

      As a child, I once held a funeral for a piece of celery. His name was Sylvester, and about 10 other children attended the sad event. It was invitation only, as there was some intrigue about who killed him. I realized this was absolutely ridiculous some time ago, and actually wrote a poignant essay on his death for my 9th grade English class. It was my highest grade in that class.

    • Cate

      All but one of my deceased pets have died horrible deaths of illness and then euthanasia. Even my fish managed to get diseases, so I am very, very sorry for your loss. It sucks when pets die.

    • Elizabeth

      My hamster escaped from her cage and found a hole in the corner of our living room wall. She disappeared for weeks and we assumed she had died. Then, my dad heard a rustling sound next to the armchair. He got a screwdriver and dug into the wall, and there she was, still alive. Unfortunately, she tried to run away deeper into the wall when she heard my dad chipping at the surface, so when he grabbed her he broke a bone in her back. She lived for a few more weeks after that, but she was partially paralyzed, she wouldn’t eat or drink much, and she wouldn’t stop wheezing. She died in her sleep in the comfort of her cage, which is probably better than dying alone in the wall :(

    • Natalie

      It is awesome that the fish could be petted because the only pet I’ve ever owned was a fish named Mr. Darcy and my friend would always give me grief about how it wasn’t a real pet because you could “pet” actual pets. So suck it.

      My friend had a small terrier dog when he was younger, and the dog would always go running into the woods behind their house for a couple days at a time and come back. He also had a habit of digging into rabbit holes.
      One day, the dog went missing and didn’t come back, ever. They assumed it had run away and went through the appropriate grieving period. A while later, his little sister went for a run into the woods and found a full set of small dog skeletons stuck in the rabbit hole. Traumatizing.
      Although when he was telling this story, he was laughing his ass off. So I guess it makes it ok now?

    • Cherice

      I had a blue Beta fish. His name was Julius. When I got him everyone said he would die in like 3 months. “Betas don’t live long at all. Those fish suck” I was told. But he did live, he swam, he ate, he grew. He was the most loyal fish ever. He would swim to the surface of the water and let me pet him very lightly. But eventually, after about 2 years he did die. It was a very sad occasion. I’ve owned other betas but they were never as smart or as awesome as Julius was.