• Wed, Feb 8 2012

Bachelorette Parties: Sorry Ladies, I Refuse To Drink From A Penis Straw

When I got married, I had one very specific instruction for my maid-of-honor. I didn’t make her help me address envelopes or wear taffeta. I didn’t ask her to attend countless showers or devote her weekends to cake-tasting. But I was very insistent that I did not want a bachelorette party.

Don’t get me wrong, I had no problem with going to the bars with my girlfriends to celebrate my impending wedding. I don’t mind showers or care if a bunch of ladies want to get together and give me presents. That’s cool. But I hate penis cakes, I don’t appreciate receiving lingerie in front of my mother, and I really despise the tradition of discussing my sex life in public.

Listen, I understand the tradition behind bachelorette parties. Decades ago, it was assumed that the bride was a virgin. Friends and sisters got her lingerie because the bride normally didn’t own any. The ladies of her life were just preparing her for the fun times that come along with marriage. How sweet, right? Good luck to you and your lady-flower, here’s a nightgown with lace trim.

As we all got more comfortable with our sexualities, the gifts got a little more risque. People starting buying edible underwear and vibrators for the happy new couple. I guess people might have still assumed that the couple hadn’t gotten it on yet, but I don’t know.

Now, the majority of couples live together before they’re married. Hell, I already had a child before I met my husband. No one could have assumed that I needed lingerie. My sex-necessities were fully taken care of. And not to offend my mother-in-law, but my husband and I were already pretty comfortable and happy in our sex life. Why on earth would I need a party to prepare me for my wifely duties?

I don’t have a problem with other women choosing to get together and drink out of penis straws for a night. I don’t care if they want to giggle over dildos and make lewd comments. That’s everyone’s right. Go out ladies! Have a good time! Just please don’t be offended when I choose to stay home. Or, if I make an appearance because I really care about the bride, don’t get rude when I refuse to partake in the naughty festivities.

For some reason, my insistence on keeping my sex life private seems to seriously offend other enthusiastic bachelorette guests. They just can’t seem to enjoy tasting flavored lube unless everyone is joining in. And Heaven forbid my gift doesn’t have a penis image or resemblance! How horrible! [tagbox tag="weddings"]

You’re welcome to call me a prude if it makes you feel better about your naughty parties. I don’t mind people seeing me as straight-laced or frigid. That normally means that you won’t ask me any uncomfortable questions in the future. I’m good with that.

But please stop shoving your penis cake in my face. Shaved coconut pubes? How creative. I’m still not interested. Please don’t demand that I play “Pass the Vibrator.” I think sex toys belong in the nightstand drawer. And don’t expect me to drink from a penis straw. It’s just not going to happen.

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  • KF

    Bless you. It’s as if you were reading my mind when you wrote that!

    So, then, I beg your advice as I have been struggling with a related problem. One of my dearest closest friends is getting married. We’re like sisters in that we share everything with each other, but we are still very very different people. I am her Maid of Honor, and thusly expected to organize the party, but I hate the penises and the vibrators and the sharing of details. The bride on the other hand loves loves loves it all and has expressed an interest in receiving dildos as gifts, which seems odd since (I assume) the groom comes equipped with something similar! So, since I have no idea, or interest in this party, how does one pull off the perfect naughty party without wanting to die?

    • Mandy

      KF, I too, would have been mortified by a penis-party (I threw my own bachelorette, tenting and canoing in the Rocky Mountains to avoid that embarassment), but if I was in your shoes I would plan the dirtiest, raunchiest party for your friend and be sure to invite the loudest, crassest group of bitches you both know and then… quietly hang back and just observe your masterpiece. Fill drinks. Take photos. No one will notice that you failed to give head to a banana.

  • jrd

    Thank you!

  • Meghan Keane

    Lindsay, I had the same problem with my bachelorette paty. My insistence on no penis paraphernalia or male strippers really offended some friends/family. But they eventually did what I wanted, which was go get drunk at a bar and sing karaoke. Though, they might have taken it too far, because they did end up buying me a lap dance from a female stripper at the end of the night… Oh well. It was super fun. And the mostly listened to what I (the bride) wanted to do, which I think is the point in the end.

  • Amy

    I don’t think I would go to a bachelorette party if there wasn’t something shaped like a penis.

  • Eileen

    What I hate most about bachelorette parties? The word “bachelorette.” IT’S NOT A FUCKING WORD! THE FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF “BACHELOR” IS “SPINSTER.”

    Now that that’s been said…I do find penis-shaped things amusing, but that’s mostly because penes are weird, amusing things in general. But then I do kind of enjoy gossiping about sex, although it’s always past tense sex – “this guy I hooked up with and I…” I don’t want to hear what people do with their actual boyfriends or husbands. And I don’t think that giving lingerie has to imply that the recipient is a virgin or wouldn’t buy lingerie herself – just that she might not spend the money to buy it, but would enjoy receiving it. Kind of like me and cashmere sweaters.

  • Samantha

    Great Article