• Mon, Feb 13 2012

Illustrated Guide: What Your Stupid Designer Handbag Says About You

You know that obnoxious “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” page of every celebrity weekly? We saw one the other day that featured Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and she was pumping gas or feeding the meter or some shit under that very headline… only she was toting a $10,000 Hermès Birkin. Now, we can think of at least one way Rutherford isn’t just like us: we’re not stupid enough to spend $10k on a goddamn status billboard that carries tampons*. Look, we work in fashion, we see frivolity and conspicuous consumption everyday… and now we’re making fun of it! With crude drawings! Here are some assumptions we make about ladies with specific designer purses–YSL, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Alexander Wang and more ahead.

*I’d spend it all on a marble bathtub filled with those chocolate dinosaur eggs. You know the ones? With the gummy dinosaur inside? Those are fucking incredible.

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  • Cee

    I’m surprised Coach isn’t on here. Everyone I see has a stupid bag with C’s printed all over it…worse, with matching sneakers :/

    • Mish

      Mnn. Probably because a Coach bag doesn’t cost a chunk of a house down payment?

    • Maggie

      Yeah, Coach is pricey but not thousands-of-dollars pricey. It actually might pay for itself (I know, we *all* say that). I’ve had a cross-body black leather Coach purse (it does not have the tacky Cs on it), and I’ve been carrying it for about six or seven years nearly everyday. I’m terribly lazy when it comes to switching purses/pairing them with outfits, so I pretty much carry that unless I’m going to something fancy that requires a tiny purse because society is silly. Instead of buying a $20-$50 purse that’s in season each year/season, I just carry that one forever because it’s never horrifically out of style, and it’s good quality that’s lasted. I have a brown shoulder purse that’s probably about a decade old now, too, that I carry if I’m wearing navy/brown and feeling ambitious enough to switch, but even that hardly ever happens.

      So, if you’re committed to only buying two purses in ten years (or know yourself to be the type who will never switch her belongings from one purse to another more often than that), Coach is in the price range where it can make sense. Anymore more than that, though, and you’re kidding yourself.

    • Mollz

      Coach definitely doesn’t qualify as “designer.”

  • Annie

    More please.

  • Jennifer Wright

    I see that my Prada bag did not make it. FUCK YOU YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Prada

      You are lovely! And taller than me (in heels)! And what I love most about you is your mercifulness.

  • porkchop

    Speaking of! This is the best thing that’s ever been on The Sartorialist:

    http://images.thesartorialist.com/thumbnails/2011/09/91911BlkCheck_0516Web.jpg

    Even now, this guy may be setting this Hermes bag down in a puddle of salty slush. Setting $10,000 on fire is for wimps.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      It’s actually amazing that “owning a $10,000 handbag” passes for “street style.”

  • Kate Messinger

    I love these little drawings. Perhaps I will go to Kinkos, print them all out on large scale card stock, cut out each handbag and parade them around to get the attention I deserve. This will save money and also fix the scoliosis I have developed from carrying around a weighted satchel because there’s no way to carry stuff in a two dimensional purse!
    Thank you and carry on (pun).

  • Miss C

    I”d have mocked the “pays for itself” thing myself, but the Miu Miu Twiggy I bought in 2006 for >£300 and used probably 90% of days ever since actually has – it certainly costs FAR less per wear than the tampons inside it! Quick bit of maths has it at around 15p/wear so far – so, it’s almost certainly even cheaper than my cosmetics & perfumes, in fact. And yes, the quality is amazing, sorry…

    If you’re paying what seems like a lot to you for a bag, just check it’s a classic you’ll love forever, and not an “it” bag – they do look really sad a few years on. No sleb ever got papped with my bag, thus rendering it immortal.

  • Anne

    I like my 10,000 purse. It matches the color of the 20,000 worth of tools my husband owns in the garage that never get used.

    It also is one of the few bags not made in china by 4 year old slave labor that you can take back to the store and they will gladly service it for you like a car in its lifetime.

    Ahh the perks of money.

  • Haley

    Oh my gosh the picture of the purses being burned hurts my soul.
    There has to be at least one nice one in there…
    Anyway to be honest if I had that much money I would totally buy a 10k purse. One day…
    http://www.hayinmybandeau.blogspot.com

  • Puk

    I don’t own anything expensive really, but I think its stupid people are so judgemental about using money on fashion items. Sure these people could use them for better purposes and donate them to charity or something, but fact is even the people preaching these morals don’t live by them.

    They might not spend their money on designer purses, but in my book cake (which you don’t NEED), cars and vacations are equally selfish.

    Its not like these women are a species of their own, they DO care about the heavy things in life like the rest of us, fashion is just their hobby.

    You don’t see people yelling and sprouting when a man uses triple of what a designer bag cost on a new car, even if he already has another.

    Im not saying its right to spend so much on yourself, Im just asking people to remember the notion “Let He That Is Without Sin, Cast The First Stone”..