Your Super Excellent Double-Plus-Fun Valentine’s Horoscopes

valentines day horoscopes

Normally, I think horoscopes are ridiculous, but last night I was given the gift of prophecy, so, you know. Sharing is caring! Happy Valentine’s week!

Aquarius: Otters hold hands in their sleep. It’s so they don’t drift away from one another. You should think about what that means to you. When was the last time you saw people holding hands? When was the last time you saw people holding hands while dancing? Discuss with a fellow Aquarius while holding their hand assertively.

Pisces: Find a couple holding hands and remind them that death is inevitable and that no one is making it out of this thing alive. Not even otters. Yeah, that’s right Pisces. This is your week to fuck shit up.

Aries: Hello, stock market  investor! The news about the Austerity Bill in Greece has really caught your attention, even if you never cared about the stock market before, ever. By Thursday you will be running an extremely successful hedge-fund, and will have a strange penchant for pinstripes. Why do you hate poor people so much? Explain!

Taurus: You should make someone a sandwich with potato chips inside it. Any kind, except peanut butter and jelly, maybe. Toast the bread! Sandwiches on un-toasted bread suck. This will work out well for you and make people love you in a sincere and meaningful way.

Gemini: Be the change you want to see in the world. Like, if you want to see everyone wearing elaborate peacock costumes adorned with glitter and riding zebras behind a team of dancing eunuchs, do that, right now. Right up 5th avenue. Live the dream, baby Gemini. Live the dream.

Cancer: Do people make crab jokes around you? Do they call you crabby? Are people that invested in horoscopes? I’m just curious. Ask them why they do or do not do this, you will learn something about the way people react to ridiculous questions.

Leo: Funny story! They once did this nifty psychological experiment (in the 70′s, when they did such things) where it was postulated that if you asked well adjusted children three things they were certain of, well adjusted children around the age of six would reply “my father loves me, my mother loves me, and I love both of them.” None of the children they talked to responded that way. Instead, six year olds responded in absolutely hilarious ways. My favorite response was “I am pretty sure I can beat up a baby.” That’s you, Leo. That’s you.

Virgo: Tonight, at midnight, stand naked on the street corner and loudly recite all the lyrics to “Arthur’s Theme.” The name of your future beloved will be spelt out in the stars, also, Dudley Moore’s face will appear Northeast of the moon. Going to be a good night, unless you’re a coward.

Libra: Look, I don’t want to tell the other signs, because they’re assholes, but the world ends on Wednesday, 5:00, Eastern Time. What I’m saying is you need to get to Duane Reade and buy the discount leftover V-day candy at 10:00 in the morning. Actually, just take a personal day that day. Just take a personal day and eat some candy and make your peace with God.

Scorpio: You’re not as much like Liz Lemon as you think you are.

Sagittarius: You know, you’re going to have strong feelings about the website HelloGiggles this week. Personally, I really like it, but your feelings could be my feelings, or opposite feelings, if you are a separate person.

Capricorn: You are finally going to throw out your skinny jeans, and buy a beautiful dress in your favorite color. Your skinny jeans only fit during your anorexic phase, and they are only making you feel bad now. Your favorite color is periwinkle, or it will be, after you say it three times fast. Periwinkle. Periwinkle. Periwinkle.

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    • Meghan Keane

      Funny thing is, I am pretty sure I could beat up a baby.

    • MR

      Is that picture the reason why I should continue to be nice to my girlfriend? :) I’m confused. So if you know your way around the stock market, you’re anti-poor? Yes, there’s nothing quite like a Sagittarius woman.

      • Jennifer Wright

        God, MR, I hope you’re a Libra.

      • MR

        Nope, an Aires. You know we tend to be pretty reform minded people, definately not anti-poor. The last good, stock market investment re-entry point began mid December – yeah nice 11% appreciation since then – yes I didn’t miss it by much. And PS. Astronomy rules Astrology aka – put your seat belt on, this is meant to be deep – the gravitational forces in the solar system (the Sun and Moon, the most important) are in full effect when a person is conceived. After that it’s ours to make of it. Hmm….and I thought Amanda was the Libra (?) Though she doesn’t act like one. :)

    • Sam

      I’m a Scorpio, but I kinda wish this was my horoscope:
      Pisces: Find a couple holding hands and remind them that death is inevitable and that no one is making it out of this thing alive. Not even otters. Yeah, that’s right Pisces. This is your week to fuck shit up.

      That made me laugh way. too. effing. hard.

    • Alwyn

      Oh. My. Lord. Angels in America. Day made.

    • Ebony

      This was sooooooo true. How crazy is that? I did have very strong feelings about hellogiggles

    • MR

      And what we have learned from Jennifer playing with horoscope fire? First, the current Bull market flow has been tilted sidewards. Ouch! :) Second, she refuses to answer the following multiple choice question:

      Jennifer is a:

      A) Libra
      B) None of the above – But I know how serious you are about your discount candy. Shit, we only have 3 hours left!!

      • MR

        PS. I was only pulling your leg, Jennifer. The stock market has been moving sidewards since Feb 3. Today’s a downer, but even with the bad news headlines, the market is only back to roughly where it was at its close last Friday, which is roughly where it was on Feb 3. Yep, a lot of zigzagging going on.

      • Jennifer Wright

        We made it through the day! Astrology fails! (And I am a Taurus)

      • MR

        Yes we did! Also just read there has been ‘substantial further progress’ made by Greece with the European Union, the IMF and the European Central Bank since yesterday. The Greek bailout funds and its debt restructuring got shaken but not stirred yesterday, and that’s what caused the stock market to tank today. Looks like tomorrow is going to be a much better day.

      • MR

        PS. PS. So much for my optimism. Moody’s ‘review for possible downgrade’ of over a hundred european banks just torpedoed my theory about a good market day today. There’s data on the US economy which if positive might offset it, but otherwise the stock market will be down again – though I don’t think as much as yesterday. Usually I’m pretty good at this – right now the fluctuation range from the market top in this last positive investment flow since mid December til yesterday is less than 1% – that is the market is only down less than 1% from its peak in this flow which was last Thursday, Feb 9. Not enough reason to sell yet, but this current Bull market flow is clearly running out of steam. Yeah, I won’t bore you with this anymore. Happy you’re a Taurus. I love a good sandwhich. :)