• Tue, Feb 14 2012

Valentine’s Day F*ck, Marry, Kill: Hugh Grant & Alec Baldwin (Don’t Worry, This Makes Sense)

Editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff wanted to do a special Valentine’s Day edition of Fuck Marry Kill with Hugh Grant in Love Actually, Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones’ Diary, and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill… but they don’t really like any of those movies and would rather talk about other, better romantic leads like Alec Baldwin and E.T. Here goes!

Jennifer: So, Love Actually Hugh Grant for marriage. Bridget Jones Hugh Grant for sex. And I really didn’t like Notting Hill, so, death. Good. Glad we got that cleared up.

Ashley: That is an absurdity. Hugh Grant plays Hugh Grant in all of these roles, with nearly imperceptible differences. We need to talk about them in detail because they are deceptive! At first blush, Bridget Jones‘ Hugh Grant is the least “doddering idiot” of the three, right?

Jennifer: In Love Actually he is the Prime Minister, who seems to instill a feeling of newfound patriotism in his DJ subjects. He also looks at a portrait of Maggie T at one point and refers to her as a “saucy minx”

Ashley: PERSONAL BIAS. YOU HAVE A PERSONAL BIAS

Jennifer: YES. YOU ARE CORRECT

Not Ian McKellen

Ashley: Look, Hugh Grant is unappealing as a romantic lead. Ideally, you kill all of them and you go off to fuck and marry real romantic leads, like John Hurt. Or E.T.

Jennifer: What I like about E.T. is the way he always phones home when he says he will.

Ashley: He’s reliable! And that’s what you want in a marriage. Reliability and finding bags of Reece’s Pieces all over the house. I think Hugh Grant in Notting Hill offers some of that but he suffers greatly by virtue of not being Alec Baldwin.

Jennifer: Wait – Alec Baldwin was in Notting Hill?

Ashley: Yeah! He’s Julia Roberts‘ boyfriend but he’s played as such an over-the-top asshole that you’re not supposed to resent her for eventually cheating on him.

You can just google "alec baldwin chest" when you're sad

Jennifer: Is Alec Baldwin an option? Fuck Alec Baldwin. But still marry Love Actually Hugh Grant.

Ashley: Yeah, I wish we were playing with 30 Rock Baldwin, Beetlejuice Baldwin and any-other-Baldwin-movie Baldwin.

Jennifer: Oh, shit, we should have done that. Okay,well, off topic but, Marry 30 Rock, Fuck Bettlejuice and… I guess kill Hunt for Red October Baldwin? I hate to do that.

Ashley: You monster. You don’t kill any Baldwin. And you MARRY Beetlejuice Badlwin. Those little spectacles? Magnificent.

Jennifer: He’s… dead. And…married.

Ashley: Huh. I never thought of it that way.

Jennifer: I guess death did do them part, but it didn’t. I mean, still dead. Still can’t leave the house, but can make you float in mid-air, so, yeah, fuck that Baldwin.

Can do this with his face, though.

Ashley: Wait. If you play Fuck Marry Kill and one of the options is dead, does selecting ‘kill’ make them undead? By which I mean alive? By which I mean you put a rogue entity into play?

Jennifer: OOOOHHHH. No. It would make them permanently dead. I mean, we play with people who are technically dead all time. Didn’t we do a round with Jesus?

Ashley: Yeah. But people were offended, even though we agreed he’s way fuckable! Anyway, I’m keeping dead Beetlejuice Baldwin, as long as the spectacles stay on.

Jennifer: Okay, I think that’s fair and doable. I can’t believe we’re killing Hunt For Red October Baldwin, though. It’s just, you couldn’t NOT marry Jack Donaghy. I mean, Isabella Rossellini did it.

Ashley: Hugh Grant’s middle name is Mungo. That change anything?

Jennifer: WE ARE NOT PLAYING HUGH GRANT ANYMORE. HUGH GRANT OVER.

Ashley: Yeah, you can’t really force these things.

Jennifer: So, marrying Jack Donaghy would be super great, right? Just witticisms and paintings of horses?

Ashley: I think this game has become impossible because you cannot choose among Baldwins.

Jennifer: Alec Baldwin also likes Words With Friends. Which is a REALLY hard game to put down. And he is constantly on TMC with Robert Osborne. I believe I just saw him introduce A Letter To Three Wives which is one of my favorite movies.

Ashley: Man, Fuck Marry Kill is impossible with all these great Baldwins.

Jennifer: I guess just fuck and marry all of them, huh? Can we actually stalk real life Alec Baldwin? Does he have a lady friend? Would he be moved by my tremendous affection for every single black and white movie? Just… all of them?

Ashley: Man, how do we mash together Glengarry Glen Ross Baldwin with his voice acting work in A Goofy Movie? That’d be ideal for me, I think.

"Did someone say... ideal?"

Jennifer: OH MY GOD GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS. Why have I never realized how much I want to date Alec Baldwin until this moment? All these years I’ve been blind. Devoid of little spectacles.

Ashley: So, kill Hugh Grant, fuck/marry every character Alec Baldwin has played/actual Alec Baldwin?

Jennifer: Yep!

Ashley: I feel like we did good work today.

Jennifer: I’m happy for us. Happy Valentine’s day, little buddy.

Ashley: I’m going to feed you Reece’s Pieces with my disproportionately long fingers!

Jennifer: NOMNOMNOM.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

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  • Meghan Keane

    Guys, obviously you kill real Baldwin and keep the rest of the Baldwins around for your bidding. Right? Then abusive Baldwin can just be a thing of the past.

    • superjack

      Kill Stephen Baldwin, though. Even if you don’t have to.

  • Fabel

    His chest, omg. I never realized. That is niiiiice

  • porkchop

    I’m so glad you’ve compared these 2 career pretty boys who both dress amazingly and have awesome hair, and are both horrible to be with. Because Baldwin is WAY FUNNIER, and that’s all that matters.

    Also, don’t forget he played Jimmy Swaggert in “Great Balls of Fire!”