• Fri, Feb 17 2012

How To Deal When People Hate You

E never liked me. Even before she met me, and she only met me once, she hated me. E came into my life in a roundabout way when I was in Paris two years ago. My best friend/friend with benefits of the past four years, Swede, was out one night, met E, took her home and they remained friends ever since. I returned from Paris to my life with Swede and things continued along.

Has he and she became closer and he was sucked into her world or those hipster type of folk who think it’s cool to be on food stamps and regard menstrual blood as some sort of art medium, Swede began to pull away from me. In an attempt to show that despite what this E person thought, I wanted to meet her. I had thought the meeting went fine. I paid for the cab to the party we went to in Bushwick, because I knew she was, well, on food stamps and told her, since she was trying to make it as a writer, then I could give her contacts. I thought I was civil. Swede agreed I was civil, but that didn’t stop E from sending him a text the following day telling him that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. Why? No reason, she just did.

We’ve all been hated by someone, and when it happens it really sucks. You question your abilities as a friend, a person, a member of society and everything in between. But E’s hatred for me didn’t stop there.

Last year I wrote for New York Magazine‘s Sex Diaries. If you’ve ever read them, you’ll know that they’re supposed to be anonymous. Outside of Swede and perhaps two or three close friends, she was the only non-friend person to know about it (he told her) and because of her hatred, whether it was steeped in some weird jealousy of my relationship with Swede or the fact that I was getting more writing jobs than she, she went so far as to out my identity. Not only that, but she provided links to my personal blog, my hometown, other things I had written and pieces of me that are pretty hard to find unless you’ve been given such information, which she clearly had by Swede. Of course the editors removed the information, but it didn’t change the fact that I had been outed when everyone knows it’s supposed to be a completely anonymous forum so people can be honest.

So when Swede and I had a blowout a couple weeks over ago after I caught him in a lie for the millionth time that isn’t related to this story, I finally lashed out at E. Knowing full well that despite all our other explosions that have had me running to corners of the world to survive a broken heart, this one between he and I was the finale of our chaotic relationship that somehow managed to last four years, I called E out on what she had done regarding the NY Magazine situation. Keep in mind, that despite my horror and disappointment, Swede always sided with her… perhaps, it was because in all her outing of me, she was kind enough to link to his blog as well.

So here I am nursing a broken heart, just having lost one of the great loves of my life and I receive an email from E. I debated posting it, but since it’s somewhat incoherent in its hateful speech, I’ll spare you. But the one kicker, the part that killed me most, was the fact that she told me I should just slit my wrists again and get it over with because no one would care.

As a blogger, I get hate comments quite a bit. When I wrote a piece where I sarcastically called Blake Lively a bitch, I got tweets for weeks about how I should just kill myself and save the world from my evilness. When I knocked Coldplay and Justin Bieber the comments were one step below actual death threats. And yes, each time you read a negative comment, you get shaken up, you cry and accept that you’ve chosen to put your thoughts and opinions out in the world and this is what you’re getting back. People just suck sometimes.

However, in the case of E, her email hit too close to home. As someone who has survived a suicide attempt that involved slitting my wrists, that email did something to me that I haven’t felt since I was that suicidal a few years back. Not only was my intensely severe struggle with depression being mocked, but Swede, someone whose lap I had cried into a thousand times, someone who had been welcomed into my family’s home for Christmases, someone whose very existence had been so important to me, thought that sharing that information with her was somehow relevant as a means to hurt me. And it did. It did exactly what she wanted it too. And when she hacked into my email to send messages from “me” to “myself,” I realized that there was actually a woman in the world crazier than me.

As I type this, I know that E is somewhere over in Bushwick hating me. I can’t change that, and I know someday it will make for a good story. I also know that, thanks to a sweet (read: evil) message I got this morning, Swede has blocked me in every social media type of way, email, texts, the works… I had already done that after her email, but it’s nice he pointed that out to me. I’m sure these two people, if we’re to call them that, who find suicide attempts funny and laughable are not the only people in the world who currently hate me. I’m also quite certain that they won’t be the last. I’d love to say that I hate them back, but mostly I just feel sorry for E. And as for Swede, well, despite it all, I can’t help but still love him a bit — that of course will take a trip to Paris to get over.

So how does one deal when you’re being hated?

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  • Kimberly

    Swede and E sound like awful, horrible people. You deserve better friends.

    They say the best revenge is living well, but I just finished Mindy Kaling’s book and she said the best revenge is actually acid to the face (who will love them now?)

    I received several IMs in high school from a random screen name telling me how horrible I was and I still haven’t forgotten it. I guess today they call that cyberbullying. Honestly though, I would take the mean girls approach: you can help it that they’re like, in love with you, or something.

  • Nancy

    I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad you’re learning how to deal with it better! I love you’re writing, and I bet you more people like and love you than people hate you.

    Also E and that guy suck ass!!!

  • Lindsey

    You’re awesome. You’re an awesome writer, and you seem like a really unique, beautiful person. Fuck the haters? Just keep living and being your amazing self.

    Also, how petty is E? Is she actually in high school?

    (You rock!)

  • Raerae

    Poor, jealous E. If I were you, I’d pity her and her sad life. Taking that much time and energy to dispise you? How embarrassing for her.
    On another note, be glad that since he’s out of your life you won’t have to deal with either of them anymore. You’ve subjected yourself to their mental illness long enough.

  • Jaina

    Kimberly, I was just thinking of Mindy Kaling’s book! I think this could make a great revenge story for jogging! One where you have to chase down the evil, jealous E, only to follow her to her underground lair where you find that she tortures and brainwashes Swede Clockwork-Orange style. You free him of his bonds, destroy the lair, and catch her in the hallway as she is trying to flee. She throws herself at your feet begging for forgiveness and for help with her psychotic jealousy. You snap your fingers and two hot guys with a white coat come in, bind her up, and haul her off to the Bedlam Lunatic Asylum for the Criminally Insane. As they leave, the hotter of the hot guys looks back at you over his shoulder and says, “Hey, I recognize you. Weren’t you in Paris a few years ago? Do you want to go back?”

    • Georgie

      Love it :)

  • Teeny

    Amanda,

    Sorry about losing your friend, it is awful when it happens and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. E sounds like a horrible person, and it sucks what she did and who she is. You are great, I really enjoy reading your articles and think you are entertaining and witty writer who I will continue reading and enjoying.

    Hang in there, and just remember how awesome you are!

    Teeny

  • Amanda Chatel

    What I’m gathering is I need to read Mindy Kaling’s book… as well as the fact that at least a few of you think I’m swell. Thank you.

  • Aliclo

    Amanda- Thank you for this incredibly brave piece! I have been in a similar (yet not as hurtful) situation with guy and girl. It’s great to know that you’ve moved on, and have gotten rid of those toxic people in your life. You deserve better! Keep writing!!

  • Marie

    Something very similar happened to me in college. I was betrayed by a roommate who we later found out was very mentally unstable. It took a very very long time to realize that everything she did to me was because she was incredibly sick and jealous. I’m not going to tell you to get over it, because no one has that right. Be heartbroken and heal in your own time.

    I’m also a firm believer that people’s evil actions carry their own punishments, and one day she’s going to wake up and realize that she has no one else to hurt but herself.

    P.S. watching really crappy 90′s movies is a really great way to deal. I started with sleeping with the enemy and worked my way down to Encino Man. yes, pauly shore was my lowest point.

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    I’m so sorry you went through that. E sounds like a completely shit person, and yeah, likely jealous as hell of you. You are a fantastic writer, and I wish you swift healing from your encounter with deity-level assholery.

  • MR

    Amanda, you worry me sometimes. You should never do anything to hurt yourself.

  • laura

    This girl sounds verminous! I bet she has tertiary syphilis (it makes you crazy)… You’re better off with out these people in your life. Chin up love!

  • Allison

    I can’t imagine how pathetic E’s life must be to go to such extreme steps. That takes a lot of emotional and physical energy, not to mention time, that most emotionally healthy people aren’t willing to use.

  • Tania

    Wow, hacking into your email is pretty class-A psychopath behaviour. And if she is actually suffering from that (not all psychopaths are serial killers!), then at least it’s scant comfort knowing those types of people (if you can call someone who lacks empathy a person) are manipulators in the Nth degree.

    Wishing you all the best; those people are horrible life-wreckers if you let them be.

  • Wendy

    Wow, that’s..intense. I’ve never understood how people could take death so lightly, like some of those high school bullies who feel no remorse when their victim commits suicide.

    Have you thought about pressing charges against E for hacking?

  • mm

    It’s funny because I actually DON’T usually like your posts (no offense, we just have differing views)….HOWEVER: what the hell. That is so messed up, and no one in the world deserves such mean treatment. This Swede character sounds like a horrible person for revealing such personal info in order to hurt you. E is clearly crazy, but I think Swede plays a huge role. Something very similar happened to me, including Facebook hacking and backstabbing and using my past eating disorder (which was current at the time). Nothing is more painful than someone you once trusted turning on you in such a horrible way. Anyone who takes such time and energy to do such a thing is not worth one more thought, ever. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and hope that in time you’re able to heal and emerge a stronger, wiser woman.

    • Amanda Chatel

      No offense taken. I’m glad you’re being honest… so few people are. I’m also happy for your support on the matter.

  • Carrie

    The best way to get over “haters”? (and I admit, they make me upset sometimes too)

    Just realize that THEY are miserable. Seriously. They are angry and depressed and they hate themselves, so they take it out on you. Would a happy, successful person hate you for no reason and tell you to kill yourself? Nope. Only angry losers would.

    Keep your chin up, and know that you are better than them : )

  • Katie

    You forgot one thing : remember that while (someday) you will move past this, E will always be miserable and angry. Take pride in knowing that you are truly a better person than her. It’s stories like this that keep me coming back to The Gloss everyday. Thank you for being brave and sharing your stories with us!

  • Jane

    OK, I’ll admit that I hate some people. Generally, they haven’t done anything to warrant the amount of hate I have for them. One is a former good friend that did some shitty things, but mostly just annoys me.

    But I know that this is my problem and something I need to work through. The hateful thoughts seldom leave my mind, and even when I do mention them to others, just hearing them come out of my mouth makes me feel embarrassed.

    There is no excuse for what this woman and your former friend have done to you. I may have a lot of hate towards some people, but I would never, ever, say or do those things.

    As you already seem to know, you are much better without them in your life.

  • BigBrownEyes

    {{{Amanda}}} In what I found to be a particularly heartrending article, the one thing that caught my big brown eyes the most was the behavior of Swede. It makes me wonder if, despite years of “friendship” on his part, that there wasn’t a dark side to him that might have taken longer to appear (but appear nonetheless) if E hadn’t just managed to bring it out sooner.

    How else to explain his almost sudden turnaround and betrayal toward you?

    It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if there was an already-existing level of douchebaggery in the guy that was just dying to make its ugly debut at some point, but needed a catalyst (or excuse) – and E was it. I also feel (and you may or may not agree) that if it hadn’t been a female named E that it could have been a guy named Jack Wahd. Or anybody else.

    Stay strong Amanda – you are the FAR Better human being here. As for the Two Cretins – I hope when Father Time runs out of sand for them that they “enjoy” their eternity together in the Inner Ring of Dante’s Inferno.

  • Sherry

    That was wrenching. We can all agree E is psycho. I don’t like using that term, but really, she defies all reason.
    The person I have the most problem with is Swede. He violated his trust and you have to wonder about his taste in friends, with him choosing her.
    The best way to deal with her is to ignore her. Do not try to contact her, but you should absolutely press charges against her for hacking your email account. That is breaking the law. Her comments are hurful and baseless, but hacking is crossing way over the line. As for Swede, I am not one to hold grudges, but I would truly love kick him so hard he defactes his own testicles.
    Swede betrayed your trust which is the ultimate relationship sin. There are people who have told me deep dark secrets. Even though our lives took us in different paths, I never divulged that information to anyone. It’s about trust.

  • Sara

    It’s clear from this that E is a crazy bitch and Swede has no backbone, but the real story is how you are a courageous beautiful soul who can clearly rise above it all. Keep your head up and keep being you. Best wishes XOXO

  • Lisa

    Forget about them. Resentment is like poisoning yourself to hurt someone else.

    And try to be kinder to yourself.

    Multiple heartbreaks sounds like a high price for a four year not-boyfriend. Their behavior is atrocious, but you can protect yourself from situations like this before you get hurt. I just read your dating post about the slutty dude who whipped it out one the first date, and it sounds like you still have self-sabotaging tendencies. Not nearly as bad as the suicide attempt, but with that history – I just think you should look at some concrete ways to identify when you’re in a bad situation, and to get out of them safely.

    Not that this is unusual – I think it’s pretty common – just unnecessary and very sad.

  • K

    Amanda, I couldn’t believe my eyes as I was reading this post. I went through an eerily similar experience in high school (oddly enough, the girl in my story is also an E and it freaks me out a bit to think that if this was the opening to a movie, they’d be the same girl). This was about 15 years ago, but she had created a fake email address and sent me a series of death threats, and also suggestions that I save her the trouble and do myself in. And all because she had recently moved to town and decided she had fallen in love with a male friend of mine. It was shocking to me as a 16 year old, and I’ve never shared the story with anyone before. Thank you for your post…

    • Amanda Chatel

      Sadly, this E is something like 25 or so… could it be the same girl!?!
      You’re welcome and I’m glad you could relate!

  • Chloe

    Amanda! People that are like E love to bring misery to the world, at any cost. What a sad existence it must be to devote so much energy and time to making another persons life their priority. Clearly, there was/is an underlying problem with this crazy little girl. It seems as though she is lacking some kind of fulfillment within her own life, and used you to make herself feel better in a weird deluded way. In my opinion, people that behave that way are usually envious of something the person they are attacking has that they will never possess. Perhaps it is a soul and self respect? WHO KNOWS! My point, is that clearly, you are the bigger, better person in this situation. The fact that this crazy broad has made you the object of her psychotic behavior should in a very strange way, be a compliment (if you choose to take it as such) because it is pretty obvious she has an obsession with you, regardless of the fact that it manifests itself in a negative manner. My humble advice would be to send her a floral arrangement just to let this bitch know that her attempts at controlling your emotions are futile. Everyone, even sad, evil, soul less human beings need a little sunshine every now and then. Even if it is merely to remind them of all the reasons they cannot compare to those that are compassionate and caring. Live your life to the fullest and never let someone live rent-free in your head!

    • Amanda Chatel

      If I knew E’s address, I would totally send her some flowers! Brilliant suggestion! Thanks, Chloe!

  • Margarita

    I want to tell you that I can not believe the atrocity that a person would have the hatred to do this. But this has happened to me also. She has no reason to hate you and yet she does because of her jealousy. From what it sounds, you are a writer who speaks the truth and not someone who conforms to society. Writing your opinions on public figures, whether they are good or bad, does not mean that people should be borderline threatening your life. You are an honest writer that seems to have a good head on her shoulders that has been through a lot. Don’t let anyone hurt you with their nasty opinions of you. So someone has a dislike for you, you can’t win everyone over.

  • Rosetta Stones

    Amnda how are you doing?

    • Amanda Chatel

      I’m doing well, thank you Rosetta Stones. At this very moment, I’m mildly cranky due to the nasty NYC weather, but overall, I’m happy and have moved on… *almost*.

      Thanks for checking in!

  • Jalebi

    Hi Amanda, Its been so long and I was reading your “Angry Office Manager” blog and followed a link here. Im so sorry that things didnt work out between Swede and you. Its sad when good decent people go bad. I cant judge E or Swede as I dont know them, but from this post alone I can say that I hope I never meet them. Hope all is well with you.

    Looking forward to reading more of your brilliant writing.

    -Shaz

    • Amanda Chatel

      OMG! Jalebi! I was wondering where you had gone!
      Yes, it is sad about Swede… but since you did read The Angry Office Manager, you know he and I had a good (yet fucked up) run.

      It’s also sad that I had to put that blog to bed, but it’s really hard to keep it up when you’re no longer an office manager! However, you can find me here most days and at a few other sites, too… ranting away as per usual.

      Your comment totally made my day – thank you! I hope all is absolutely wonderful with you. xo.

  • T.

    Sometimes people are evil.
    My mother was sacked by HER mother when she got an heart attack. And I know more.
    I feel for you.
    When people hate me… I made sure, or as sure as possible, that they can harm me (physically or socially) and proceed to ignore them. If they pass the line, it doesn’t matter how much you used to love them or what relationship you had with them. Sue. The law can help protecting you.

  • Laila

    Thank you for this post. Currently I’m dealing with a similar situation though not nearly as serious. I am a successful and established photographer and there is a woman who is unfortunately working in the same place as me. She is an amateur photographer and I she absolutes hates my guts and I suspect it’s because she’s jealous. I have tried very hard to be nice and to make conversation with her but it just doesn’t work. She is pathetic and reading this post had helped me because I literally could not stop thinking about this situation today. I cannot stand to be disliked. I’m going to look at this as a challenge for myself- to just accept the fact that shd hates me and to move on and not waste any more energy thinking about this person.

  • SameBoat

    Gosh I am dealing with the exact same thing and part of me wonders if this is the same girl. It’s strange because she just recently moved into my apartment, she’s a writer from Bushwick whose name starts with E and she is making my life hell for absolutely no reason.

    I completely empathize and I hope you were able to get away from her. I plan to get away from my “E” as soon as possible.

  • Deb Quilty

    “If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.” The above “new life mantra” as someone has called it, with the attached e-card, went viral in March 2012, as far as I can tell. “Hate” is a strong word. One could substitute dislike, perhaps just ignoring you, to point you feel rejected, or merely tolerated. The “reason” I would propose is not revenge, but to simply give your hater a taste of what ails them. They hate you, so reward them with more of the same. Commit yourself ever more strongly to be yourself, and speak your mind and heart boldly. As my Dad, may he rest in peace, always said, “People are horseshit.” Non Illegitimi Carborundum (Don’t Let The Bastards Get you Down;)