• Wed, Feb 22 2012

Dating Hijinks: The ‘Compliment’ You Would Rather Not Hear On A First Date

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

We weren’t very far into the evening when Marc said what I thought he said. “Come again?” I asked. He smirked and repeated himself but this time a bit louder.

“I said: You have a pretty mouth. It looks like it would give good blowjobs.” His smile got even wider after he said it a second time and although I’m not usually bothered by such things, I was offended that he thought that an appropriate compliment. Had we hooked up in the past or met before under a haze of binge drinking or something that had flirted with the notion that we would be having sex, then it would have made more sense. However, at this juncture we had not even reached the second course of the meal. There were also other contributing factors that made this statement completely wrong.

First of all, I do not have a mouth that evokes thoughts of blowjobs. Even when covered in lip gloss, my mouth does not elicit anything even remotely related to sex. Why? Because my lips are thin and I’ve yet to master a ‘come hither’ pout. Although I do promise to work on this in the upcoming months if only for this column or to procure a husband for the sake of my mother.

Secondly, we were talking about 30 Rock when he offered this bit of information; information that we already covered is wrong and was now also illy placed in the conversation. Yes, Liz Lemon talk can be sexy under the right circumstances but not in this case. If I recall correctly, and this was just a few nights ago, we were discussing Lemon’s dance moves and how they are just as fabulous as mine. Who jumps to sexy time thoughts during such a topic? Apparently this fella, Marc.

Thirdly, did I mention this was a first date? And that neither one of us was intoxicated enough to exchange such, um, pleasantries nor, based on the lack of chemistry, would such a banter ever come to be? I really should stop allowing ‘friends’ to set me up.

I was at a loss for words. As I sat there I thought about the guy who whipped it out on our official first date and the drama of the past week, and had a Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler “Really!?” moment. I turned my head to the corner of the restaurant, a venue I’ve been to easily a hundred times in the past few years and actually looked for a hidden camera. If I believed in a god, I would have thrown my napkin on the ground, pounded my heel into the tile beneath me and screamed: “Is this funny to you?!” Alas, my lack of religion kept me in my seat and only able to utter a meek, “thanks a bunch.”

I steered the direction of the conversation to a more civilized topic that still involved the NBC Thursday night lineup: Parks and Recreation. Although slow to follow, he did manage to get back on track and keep things above the belt until we wrapped up the evening and were about to part ways. It was then he went back to his book of “compliments,” the one I imagine they distribute to 15-year-old boys and the one which this guy had yet to learn really isn’t helping his chances of getting laid. Really?! It didn’t work the first time around, but you want to go for a second time, Marc?

After a good 10 minutes or so of persistence in trying to come home with me, as I had made the mistake of saying I lived around the corner, Marc childishly told me he didn’t want to come home with me anyway and would “have more fun jerking off.” There was no sense in arguing with him, it was clear he was a child, as the majority of the men who have come in and out of my life are, so I just turned around and walked home. I didn’t even accompany my long sigh with a “goodbye.” I was just done.

For the millionth time, I shook my head and rolled my eyes on a street in lower Manhattan and swore off all further contact with the outside world. The best part of the night was putting on my pajamas and watching Jimmy Fallon. Why? Because the TV doesn’t talk to me; I talk to it. And as Andy Warhol once said: “The less something has to say, the more perfect it is.”

I should really start dating dead pop artists.

Care for some dirty talk? I’m sure it’s easier to find than you think. So make your way to TheGloss dating page and find your sexy other half. 

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  • Kj

    Wow. I would have given him a bitchface that would have melted his eyeballs off his head. Apparently I have a special talent for bitchface.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Normally I have bitchface down to a science, but I was just so fucking exhausted by people at that point, I just didn’t have the strength to fight.

  • MR

    Yeah, decent people always struggle to find each other. So don’t get bummed out. I view it as a karma thing that always sorts itself out eventually – that is, good finds good while dirtbags end up with fellow dirtbags. Something to cheer you up again. Though I’m basing this on Smith of ‘The Cure’ liking your lips in this photo. There’s a lot of things a guy can learn about a woman, when she asks him to feed her strawberries. Cherries I’m not so sure about. :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a77-9gJl3x0&feature=related

  • JA

    Some asshat came into my job and said that to me tonight. After asking him to repeat himself, because SURELY a man in his seventies(yes, seventies) would know better, he repeated it and smiled like I’d enjoy being told that. I gave him a bitchface that not only took the smile from hos face, but turned him on his heels and sent him out the door.

    • Amanda Chatel

      A man in his 70′s… I’m speechless.

  • Em

    It’s amazing that “grown” men find that to be a compliment. A guy I went out with (and mind you, not on a date but out as a group with some of his friends) straight up told me I had nice lips and “I want to put my dick in your mouth.” Really?! What do guys like that expect? “Uhhh… Okay! How about now? Let’s get out of here.” Riiiight. You watch too much porn when you start blurring those storylines with reality.

  • Chloé

    Amanda, so sorry you had to deal with such an insensitive, immature idiot (a category that most men in Manhattan fall into). That being said, you really should have calmly explained to him how offensive & inappropriate his “compliment” was & then immediately walked out! I’m sure it would have made him realize what a serious jerk he was if you just left him there by himself. Anyway I’m glad to know that I’m not the only lady in Manhattan who comes across these disgusting types of men!

  • CE

    I’m sorry, but what is it with women being passive to comments like this, and why use your lack of religion as an excuse? I’m agnostic, but i still have the self-respect to defend myself.

    I’ll admit, when i first moved to new york, i never knew how to reply or react appropriately to situations like this (which happen with almost alarming frequency), but it’s gotten to the point where, after six years, i can’t just let these things slide any more, out of respect to myself and women everywhere who will have to deal with it after me.

    even those ‘hey baby’s on the sidewalk don’t always go ignored anymore, although those are the least annoying and offensive of all these sort of inappropriate comments. i just don’t think we should have to put up with this.

  • Aj

    That whole “pretty mouth” comment reminded me of the Deliverance movie. You know, the squeal like a pig scene when he goes, “You got a purty mouth”. What a creeper! I would have gotten up and left.

  • TheAllSeer

    The story made me smile. And more for the fact that y’all so smart, classy sophisticated women writing blog after blog, bemoaning the fact that men are such children when you find more comfort conversing with the tube… could it be that we say such outlandish shit to break you out of the stupor you live day in and out? Besides y’all don’t need men anyway. You’re all obviously so successful, and hell don’t even need one to bear children. We also make for poor shopping buddies and most of the time our intellect is below normal human functioning – the better question ends up being.. .. Whose more delusional? Every woman in manhattan thinking she’s as wholesome, awesome, and simply amazing as Gisele Bundchen (and she is) or your regular bloke having a good time with the lot he’s in.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Gotta love the token angry male… especially one that just cited Gisele as “simply amazing.”

    • Kelly

      This comment makes me smile. What an accomplishment to type all this out when you’re only using one hand, and your parent’s basement is so dim. Congratulations!

    • Amanda Chatel

      And Kelly’s comment makes me smile.

  • Lisa

    I like your response. It was your natural reaction at the time, and sometimes when people do creepy things they can learn more from a simple calm response like this than by being shamed. That kid isn’t going to learn everything he needs to know about not being an idiot from one encounter with a self-respecting woman, but you showed him a concrete consequence of inappropriate behavior, and you didn’t complicate it by attacking him back. I think it’s great.

    I commented on your people-hating-you post, and this is the sort of kindness I was advocating for. Trying to educate this guy further or somehow even the score is less about caring for yourself and more about him. sorry I didn’t read this before my other comment but I hope you’re feeling a bit better about that stuff last week.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Thanks, Lisa!
      This was refreshing after a commenter below suggested I lack self-respect.

      I think sometimes when the world overwhelms you, you just think “what the fuck!?” and walk away. It’s better than wasting good wine on a face that doesn’t deserve it.

  • HS

    Love it!!!

  • DaftAida

    Sounds like a half-wit graduate of one of these ‘how to get laid on a first date’ type of male esteem courses becoming so popular with a decidedly socially isolated faction: the white middle class male. It really isn’t helping, is it?

    Can’t figure why author continued to waste time after that.

  • DaftAida

    And the perfect response would be

    “you bet, once my teeth are out’! or ‘tell me, have you ever tried it with a woman with no teeth”? Dead pan delivery. Few could achieve it.

    Livens an otherwise dull evening and solves the problem of having to say ‘sod off’ politely.

    • terry

      Once a gay friend told me that he received the best blow job ever by a man after he took his teeth out — so this strategy may just not work, especially if the guy is adventuress or just plain kinky. Just sayin.

  • Kiera

    We must know the same guy. A few months ago I went out with a guy who during a conversation about …hell I don’t remember but it was not sexual at all, just blurted out “you have nice boobs, we’re gonna be lovers”. Needless to say I gave the “Huh, Wha..” look when he said it, because I couldn’t believe he just said that. Then when I got over the initial shock I tried to steer the conversation back, he kept saying we’re gonna be lovers till the end of the date. This idiot kept calling for a week after this, guess at 40-something, he though it was a compliment and I was game. NOT. Did I mention this was a lunch date.

  • Lisa

    I keep trying to distill what he thought his compliment was?

    “You will be pleased to know that I invite you to take part in the great honor of pleasuring me orally.” I guess???

    And the “we’re gonna be lovers” thing from Kiera’s comment:
    “Thank you for interviewing for the position of fuck buddy. You meet the requirement of boobs. You’ll start immediately. Congratulations.”

    But “Gonna”? He didn’t have time for all three syllables? His declaration is so urgent as to preclude grammar? When someone asks you to give him something of great value, like your time and access to your body, he might use all of the necessary words in their proper order. That speaks volumes about his valuation of you. And “boobs?” No. I’m wary of people who use the basest available terms to describe the female form. Unless you’re 6 and he’s within two years of that, you have graduated to “breasts” or something in that neighborhood.
    BTW Amanda, I like this story more and more. I think it’s really valuable to read examples of other women responding to this kind of BS. I mentioned this to my (feminist, wonderful gush gush gush) boyfriend, and his token male take on it was that being rejected by you would not seem passive to many men. He thinks rejection is often experienced as an attack on the man’s value or his success as a masculine force (by misogynist idiots, anyway), and being combative could have been a bit dangerous. If the guy was perverse enough to try to grab you, even in a public space you could be made to feel violated and unsafe. For what a civil male perspective is worth, he applauded your solution ;>

    • Amanda Chatel

      Oh Lisa… where does one find one of these “feminist, wonderful” boyfriends?

      Although if I didn’t have run-ins with these dickheads, my column would cease to exist. I’ve got my fair share of kissing frogs to do, I suppose… if only for the entertainment for others!

    • Lisa

      I wish I knew where there are more men like him (I know they are out there! I rejected several of them when I was too busy trying to destroy myself to want them!)

      BUT, I think I was only able to start this relationship because of the preparation I did before we met. Like, the bad relationships I worked past helped me define what I wanted. I’m not saying, go have terrible relationships – but I think whatever amount of personal development you can do before getting into a mutually beneficial and wonderful relationship, the better. Pursuing obscure interests, studying and learning new things, taking good care of yourself, that kind of thing.

      I totally want to gush again, but I realize few want to read that. Haha, I am still learning commenter etiquette!!

  • Theo

    I am a horrible person and it is 3:30 in the morning, so grain of salt, but please, make better writing.

    “It was then he went back to his book of “compliments,” the one I imagine they distribute to 15-year-old boys and the one which this guy had yet to learn really isn’t helping his chances of getting laid. Really?!”

    • Amanda Chatel

      Yeah, I’ll “make better writing,” Theo. Cheers to you and your intellect.

  • lex

    It just seems amazing that an obviously intelligent and articulate young woman was dating a bloke like this in the first place. Did he seem charming and sweet up until that point?

    If you want a nice, charming man then surely they are everywhere? The world is full of polite, sensitive men just dying to take a lovely woman out on a date. There’s probably one in your office right now.

    I have the suspicion that you are making a man’s looks and traditional “manliness” your deciding factors when accepting a date. If having a bad boy or tough guy on your arm is more important to you than feeling respected and treated as an equal then you run the risk of meeting a foul mouthed numpty every once in a while.

    There’s nothing wrong with fancying bad boys – it’s like guys fancying big boobed blondes – but it does make it harder to sympathise when you realise not all bad boys have good manners.

    I suggest adopting a positive outlook and seeing the best in people on a day to day basis. This is the easiest and most satisfying way to enhance your life. And when you are happy with life you will probably find the ideal man comes looking for you. Good luck in your search Amanda and thank you for the blog!

    • DaftAida

      You’re right. Women want the tough gangster style of danger man because they see mind controlled barbie dolls griding their hips into bad dudes to like it rough. It’s a deviant, psycopathic fantasy. Men don’t see ‘real’ women any longer either with the high impact sexual bombardment of said barbie sluts.

      Who benefits from all this? Those in control of the media and their gender bending depopulation targets.