• Tue, Feb 28 2012

The 10 Men You’ll Date Before You’re 30

men you will date
If you’re under 30 and you’re married, congratulations and fuck off. Seriously, from both me and the rest of your single friends, please sincerely fuck off. You can skip this article or send it to your friends. I’m sure they’re really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Everyone else has suffered through countless first dates, blind dates, group dates and — so many times over — last dates. After a while, the men are easy to categorize. There’s the guy you dated in college and met again five years later to see if it would work out even though you changed so much you both knew the relationship was doomed. There’s the guy you had nothing in common with except sex. There’s the guy with deep-seated mommy issues.
Here are the ten boyfriends women date before they turn 30. (Am I missing anyone obvious? Tell me in the comments!)

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  • Chloe

    Because all women are straight and desperately want to get married, right?

    • R

      And all married women under 30 are girls who settled ….

    • Lin

      This is where you learn that not every single article applies to every single person, and that’s ok.

    • Chloe

      I would buy that, but I’ve never seen a lesbian-oriented article on here. For the most part, they all make these assumptions.

  • Jen

    Damn. I’m dating #8:(

  • b3v

    so, so scared I’m dating #7! Nov 4th marks 4 years together, 2 living together…eh boy.

  • Cate

    Oh man, the guy I’ve been with for the past three years is part man-baby, part passive-aggressively unwilling to commit, part hot-tempered maniac, and really beginning to verge in the direction of only good on paper.
    Needless to say I am leaving him within the next two months.

  • Alice

    I actually second Chloe’s opinion. I love the gloss and think a lot of the writers are smart and entertaining, but it’s a super hetero-normative website.

    And while the whole real talk series when they ask guys what they think are interesting, the ones where it’s solely “ooh! What do men think of patterned tights?” “ooh! what do men think of women’s numbers?” privilege the male gaze and kind of assume that we’re all heteresexual and care about what men think of the way we dress or our sex lives.

  • Veronica

    “Deep-seated,” not “deep-seeded.”

  • Blaspheming With My Organ

    You lost me at “After a while, they men easily to categorize.”

    Worst. Sentence. Ever.

  • ?

    I’m dating #4 but he’s not that creepy …

  • June

    I am 24 and married. I was looking forward to reading this article out of curiosity and intrigue. I was even going to share it with my friends if I found it enlightening in any way. I was told to ‘fuck off’ in the first sentence.

    I was willing to swallow my disgust and continue reading.

    And then I read this: “After a while, they men easily to categorize.”

    That’s when I realized this was article wasn’t worth the 10 seconds I spent reading it and it wasn’t worth the time my friends would spend reading it either.

    In future articles, proof read your work and take on a kinder tone with those not in your target audience. We may not be who you are writing for, but we could still learn something and be interested in your work.

    • misenhammer

      24 and married too, for four years now! I love the gloss and accept that not every article will appeal to/be directed at me. But I agree that the tone in this one is a little less than enjoyable. Telling me to fuck off feels like an implication that (a) all women over 30 who aren’t married are REALLY FUCKING BITTER about it and (b) they all hate me for being married.

      My unmarried friends, even the ones who really, really want to be married one day, have never shown me such aggression and I also wouldn’t be snarky enough to send them “thoughtful” articles just to point out “neener neener, I’m married and you’re not.” It turns out, not all married women feel that the fact that they have a husband/wife makes them automatically better than their unmarried friends and lord it over said friends as if it were an Elijah Wood autograph. (Sorry, I really love Elijah Wood) (j/k, I’m not sorry at all. Elijah Forever!)

    • Rebecca

      yeah dudes. 29 here and married for 4 years. “fuck off”? not cool.

  • superjack

    Oh. My. God.

    Typo cops AND people complaining about heteronormativity?!

    This is my very favorite kind of comment thread.

    • Veronica

      The difference between “deep-seeded” and “deep-seated” is not a typing error. It is a malapropism.
      “After a while, they men easily to categorize” doesn’t even express a coherent thought. It is also not a typing error.

  • Janice

    27 and married. Sorry you’re so bitter.

  • LOL

    Did a chimp write this article??? Sorry you are so bitter towards life.

  • um…what?

    It looks as though you fixed one type mentioned but kept this gem in the last line of the first paragraph…”I’m sure they’re really appreciate your thoughtfulness.”

    I am proud to have been some of these guys for so many in my past. I am sure they are better for it today.