• Sun, Mar 4 2012

Lindsay Lohan Hosts SNL; Tries To Trick Us Into Thinking She’s Changed With A Modest Dress

Who caught Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live last night? As expected, she made fun of herself and her troubled past because honestly, how could she not? And for some reason Jon Hamm made an appearance or two and had most of us asking “Why, Jon, why? Who wants to make a guest appearance when LiLo is holding court?” Yes, we get that Mad Men will be back in our lives in just a few weeks, but still.

But let’s talk about how Lindsay looked during her monologue, shall we? First of all, the color of her dress was a lovely blue and had she’d been smart enough to go back to her original hair color instead of that bleached mop of madness on her head, it might have been quite complementary. The dress was modest considering her usual choice in clothing and her recent photo shoot with Uncle Terry that consisted of a nip-slip. Speaking of nipples, is it just me, or did anyone else sort of see her nipples through her dress, too? Perhaps it was just a nightmare, or maybe I was drunk? And why are her boobs so saggy? Does she not own a bra? Her tits were practically down to her waist! I have more than a few years on her and a far larger rack and yet my breasts have not been so heartlessly manhandled by gravity as hers have been!

And let’s not even get into that puffy face situation that’s probably a combination of face fillers and the delightful side effects of drinking too much of the sauce. Maybe I’m being too harsh?

While there were a few funny moments during the show, and the occasional wigs they had her in reminded us of how LiLo looked before she had a run-in with some peroxide, personally, I think she looked haggard. I also think she appeared to be trying too hard to prove to us that she’s gone straight. I feel like we should be placing bets as to when she’ll be back in trouble again. Three months? Six months? Next Tuesday? I am a cynical fuck, so maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead.

Thoughts?

Update: I was an asshole for snarking on LiLo’s body. As a saggy-boobed gal myself, I didn’t think how it might offend anyone. Boobs are awesome… all boobs. I love boobs.

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  • sheherbano

    i feel like this is unnecessarily bitchy/gossip magazine-y.

    • Prisca

      agreed. give the girl a break. her snl appearance wasn’t fantastic, but it wasn’t horrible. i’m still rooting for her.

    • K

      Thirded. If you can see her nipple, then they’re obviously not that saggy. And they all look like cow udders when we bend over, amiright? Even itty-bitty titties.

    • Thaumata

      For real. I’m not sure how The Gloss can print all their “rah rah feminism” stuff one day and then crap like this the next.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      @Thaumata

      Although I can’t help but find your “rah rah feminism” phrasing pretty condescending, I’ll explain: TheGloss is written by different people.

      For the record, I strongly believe you shouldn’t write about women’s bodies this way, but neither did I author this post.

  • Amanda Chatel

    Well, maybe I’m having a bitchy/gossipy day, OK? I love the hot mess that is the LiLo, but she’s still a hot mess!

  • X

    I love it when you objectify women! This is such a valuable and illuminating piece of pop culture criticism. “And why are her boobs so saggy? Does she not own a bra? Her tits were practically down to her waist!” Are you kidding me???

    • Amanda Chatel

      She needs a better bra! Take a Xanax — or 5.

  • misenhammer

    I didn’t see the whole episode, so maybe she looks absolutely horrible at some point? I did see the clip of Real Housewives of Disney and I noticed the audience made sure not to laugh at anything she did. And you seem to kind of hate her, or at least hate every single thing about the way she looks (hair, face, boobs… plus maybe a little humblebrag about your own rack…). I don’t think she looks so terrible in that photo and she was probably worth at least a light chuckle in the clip, so I get the feeling that everyone just really fucking loves to hate LiLo. I guess all the Uncle Terry shoots don’t help.

    I’m too apathetic to really dislike her that much, so I guess I’ll just vaguely hope she somehow manages to do better and stops being so sad/tempting for people to hate on.

  • Kj

    Yeah, no. Her faaaaaaaaace! She looks like Rumer Willis with all those fillers. (Yeah I did! I went there.)

  • LCT

    Y’know why she’s such a terrible host? Because everything about her just makes me sad. Her sad, injectable-filled face and her sad, peroxided hair and her sad, droopy boobies are sad. It all just reminds me of what a mess she’s made of herself, and it kinda prevents me from laughing at/with her.

  • Abby

    Really? REALLY?

    Do you really have such ghastly self-esteem you need to compare boobs with a fledgling celebrity and conclude your own are better?

    This is the sort of tripe I would expect to read in Hello! Or Closer, not thegloss. Please get back to writing things of actual interest and not mindlessly slagging of celebrities; it’s boring and much better done in other corners of the web.

  • Ruby

    Well, she had a fairly severe eating disorder which she thankfully seems to have recovered from but generally jumping back and forth between a size zero to a size six for years on end doesnt do wonders for the mammaries. This is a super body-snarky article, everyone has celebrities they hate but surely there are better, funnier, things to criticize Lohan and her family for than the perkiness of her tits. Mocking them at all seems increasingly like trying to swing at fruit already fallen from the tree what with her and her sister constantly turning up in public looking like they’re about to keel over. Personally I always hope she pulls it together because I inexplicably like her but she has bigger issues ahead of her than a well fitted bra.

  • johnwill

    She totally failed on SNL, embarrassing performance. More on: http://bit.ly/yXyB31