Bullish Life: Let’s Just All Agree on Some Basic Principles of Sexual Ethics

If lying to people is not okay (except when a gunman is involved), then lying to people when they’re naked is also not okay.

 I don’t even have anything to say under this subpoint. I mean, who’s really in favor of lying in instances in which Anne Frank is not hiding from the Nazis?

I suppose Pepe Le Pew could show up and comment that lies are all part of the dance of seduction. Pepe Le Pew is totally a rapist.

Misleading is not quite lying, but still pretty bad. Misleading people does not become okay just because you are horny or because it makes you feel like you are winning a contest.

According to Wikipedia, “The long and current slogan of ‘Silver Bullet’ to describe Coors Light is not for the beer but for the silver colored can in which the beer is packaged.”

 

So, I’m translating the Coors Light beer coaster (pictured) as meaning, “When your buddy has sex with the ugly friend of the girl you want to have sex with, you should buy him one of our beers.”

If you’re not clear on the “taking a bullet” part, a quick search for “wingmen” and “bullets” brought up this article about avoiding various types of cock blocks, including the “ugly best friend” who is “trying to make sure her friend is doing the ‘right’ thing.”

What a bitch! (If you wish, please consider me your ugly best friend.)

So, the Canadian Molson Coors Brewing Company is suggesting that their beer – which no self-respecting Belgian would ever drink, by the way – is an excellent reward for a man who fakes interest in a woman in order to have sex with her that he’s not even interested in having. That is, you should reward men for tricking women into having sex with someone who is secretly laughing at them. [tagbox tag="sex"]

From the perspective of any woman, that’s fucking awful. If you’re the “ugly” friend, it’s possible that you’re just happy to get laid, but it’s also possible that such an experience will push you over the fucking edge of ohmygod-the-world-is-an-awful-place. If you’re the “hot” friend, the Canadian Molson Coors Brewing Company is suggesting that men should be rewarded for (probably) making your best friend cry.

Are we all wet, yet?

Let’s talk a little more about “misleading.”

Casual sex is not fine if some party to the sex is unaware that it is casual.

I once went on a date – later chronicled in Judy McGuire’s How Not to Date – with a man who informed me in the first half-hour that he would like to meet his life partner ASAP, have her quit her job, and move together to a boat in the Mediterranean where she would have 5-6 of his children, which he (an emergency room doctor) would personally deliver. On a boat.

I got out of there pretty fast. He was quite handsome, though. If he had said, “I only want to have sex with a woman who is interested in quitting her job and giving birth to at least five children on a boat,” it would have been wrong to go home with him, even if I had not technically lied.

The same ethical rules apply here as in basically any other situation. If I say, “I only want to be your business partner if we can donate 50% of our profits to Christian charities,” and you say, “Let’s work on a business plan” and yet you do not intend to donate our profits to Christian charities, I think you’re being highly misleading. If someone says, “I don’t want to sleep together until I’m sure it’s right,” trying to sleep with that person implies your argument that it’s now “right,” whatever that means in the context of the conversation you were having.

By the way, the babies-on-a-boat guy also insisted that his family owned an emerald mine. No, I didn’t keep his number.

Don’t drink Coors Light. Not that you were going to anyway.

Okay, that’s not really a principle of sexual ethics, but still a worthwhile message to spread to both teens and adults. Drink a good Hefeweizen or a nice IPA and then have casual sex with someone who also wants to have casual sex, consider falling in love with someone who is also considering falling in love, or tie up someone who wants to be affixed to your bedframe.

Just because you’re a good, happy liberal who thinks that people should be able to have any type of sex they want as long as everyone consents doesn’t mean that social relationships are now an ethical free-for-all where you can treat people badly. Nope. The normal rules of life still apply. We should teach them to young people. And older people who need remedial help.

On that score, you might enjoy Cindy Gallop’s Make Love Not Porn, despite the fact that the expression “make love” just sounds like you want to have sex with someone in the seventies, on a shag carpet. Also, this article I read in 2004 on Salon, about a man who wrote a really intelligent sex book for teenage boys. (“I’m trying to tell young guys that it’s all about connection. I don’t think the first sexual experiences necessarily lead to marriage, because it takes a while to find the right person. But I think that it leads to wonderful relationships with people, because you were real with each other. “)

If you want me to come speak to a high school, call me.

You might also enjoy Bullish Life: Keep Your Love Life From Ruining Your Actual Life and Bullish Life: 3 Romantic Mistakes That Young Women Make That Cause Weeping Among The Angels And Kittens.

Does someone you know need a sexual ethics talking-to? Please send them a link to this article. Did someone send you a link to this article? You just might be an asshole. Put down the Coors.

Send in your questions to bullish@thegloss.com. See a Bullish archive here.

Share This Post:
    • Eve

      I was going to say -clapclapclap- but then realized that it might be taken the wrong way in the context of an article about sex. So, -applause!-

      • Lindsey

        This comment is the best.

    • Jamie Peck

      I love this! So true about the Coors Light, too. My life has improved a hundred fold since I started drinking good Hefeweizens and boning responsibly. :)

    • James Printer

      Sex before marriage should be illegal

      • Well

        Hello. You must be new to Earth and how it works.

    • Jeff Dubrule

      Perhaps the protagonist(s) of this so-long-its-basically-a-musical-troll song would benefit from reading this article:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK-FRac7m58

    • Casey

      I actually googled to see if BrosWhoWishWomenWouldShutUp.com was actually a website, thank goodness it’s not.

      But speaking of awesome sex educators, this awesome dude was mine: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/magazine/teaching-good-sex.html?pagewanted=all

      • Jennifer Dziura

        This was great! I endorse this article! And your sex ed teacher.

    • MR

      Yeah, connection is important. It makes the sex so much better. I did have a lot of nonconnection related sex when I was just starting out in my midteens. But also I found later, sometimes there are people who just want to have sex without a connection. So I guess it depends on what your gig is.

    • S.

      Brilliant. Thank you. And, if I’m ever teaching high schoolers, I definitely want you to come speak with them. Why are so many things (like throwing out common decency) “okay” if you’re a dude and you’re horny? Whatever. Thank you for clearing that up.

    • Natasha

      I am seriously taking notes on this-these are the things I want to say to my kids when their (shudder) hormones start raging. I wish my mother would have said these to me, instead of ‘sex before marriage is a sin and you will burn in hell’
      Yep.

    • Siylii

      I just wanted to say that, although I don’t always love The Gloss, this is one of the best-written online anythings I’ve ever read.

    • Somnilee

      We actually share a dream here, for a long, long time I’ve wanted to be a sex educator working with young people. My university takes part in a programmed called Sexpression which sends students into local secondary schools to spread the message about safe sex and everything else – unfortunately I keep missing the training sessions due to other commitments.
      My parents never gave me any advice (my Aunt even taunts me with a book called “Love & Sex, what you NEED to know” which is basically two hundred pages of “If you have sex before marriage your life will be ruined FOREVER”), but I somehow turned out very grounded and I appreciate this article giving me some more ideas.

    • Elyse

      This advice is fucking brilliant and useful for all age groups- even the 35-45 year olds I date. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

      Also, I don’t really read The Gloss anymore, but I always come back to read your articles, Jen. Your ability to consistently kick so much ass is admirable indeed.

      • kit

        Well I fucking love the gloss and its merry band of weirdo editors, but Ms. Dz is one of the main reasons.