A few days ago, our friend Jenni at Crushable wrote that she’d gone to see a movie alone. She remarked:
Someone asked me which seat next to me was open (spoiler alert: they both were!).
“Oh she’s here alone!”
Like, thank you for telling everyone I’m alone at the movies. As if this entire experience hadn’t already convinced me to go home and give all my money to eHarmony, the look of pity and shame from my fellow movie goes was enough to make me sign up right then and there.
I had to cut off there, because I needed to go see a movie alone. Again. Like always. Because I go to see a movie alone every single week. I’ve now seen that thing about Wallis and Edward three times, and The Iron Lady twice, but the fact that I’m compulsive and only love dramas set in old timey Britain is not the point. The point is that seeing movies alone is the best! In fact, doing alone a lot of stuff you’re supposed to do socially is the best. Here’s why. Also, it’s entirely possible that I am just a cold-hearted bitch with no friends, so keep that in mind throughout:
Seeing movies alone is great.
1) Other people are always talking, just gibber jabbering like drunk parrots. Movies are a time for quiet reflection. They’re the best escape from the outside world you’ve got if you’re the kind of person who is too anxious to meditate. They’re the perfect combination of doing nothing and doing something. Do you know what shatters that pleasant meditative state immediately? Someone saying “oh, wait, is she a bad guy now? Because she’s talking to that Russian dude?” “Let’s be quiet, and we will find out together.” You’re not allowed to say that. People think you’re a bitch if you say that.
2) I like to smuggle in a homemade cookie in my purse into the movie theater. Partly because it makes me feel like I am some sort of super-spy who chats with all the Russian dudes, and partly because all of the food they give you in movie theaters is ridiculously large and borderline inedible. I like to eat the cookie by myself, because I brought it for me. When people go with you to the movies, you pull out that cookie and they always ask to share, and you can’t say “no, this is my food, for me. For my belly. NOM NOM NOM AM COOKIE MONSTER.” Sharing with accquaintances is the worst, especially when their “trade” is over-salted stale popcorn. When people do this, it makes me want to bring human entrails in my purse, like Hannibal Lecter would. That’s a really dark place to be at halfway through the previews.
3) I want to pick my own seat. I want it to be an aisle seat three rows down from the top row. I like that seat because it means I have more leg room, and I don’t have to walk over anyone if I want to go the bathroom. Also, I don’t like having to tilt my head back to see the movie, because it gives me a crick in my neck. You want a middle seat five rows away from the screen? I hate you, and think you are dumb, now. Sorry it had to come to this, former friend.
4) I don’t want to have to spend the last 10 minutes of the movie formulating an opinion/witticism about it to share with anyone. Immediately after a movie, I just want to cling to my “not worrying about the real world” haze for as many minutes as I can. I don’t want to begin the dissection process for a good hour. But if you go to the movies with someone, the first words out their mouths will almost always be “what did you think?” and you will have to reply “bon-mot I just stole from Dorothy Parker.” That’s how I play it, anyway. And Dorothy Parker only has so many to steal (so after you see 144 movies with a person, you’re done).