5 Games We Played With Barbies As Children

headless barbie

Earlier today, Ashley pointed out that every girl in the world (not just Jessica Biel) made her barbies have sex when they were a kid.

This prompted the best comment of the day wherein Kay wrote: I think my Barbie play was vastly different. I grew up on telenovelas, so my Barbies enjoyed betraying one another, pushing each other off stairs, stealing each other’s boyfriends/husbands/babies, and being generally treacherous.

I didn’t do that. But I did play Barbie games, and I wish I was Kay’s friend, so we could betray one another. Maybe we can bond by talking about Barbie games. Here are ones I remember:

headless barbie

1) The game were you ripped her head off.

Like some kind of Goddamn Bluebeard. I will never forget how satisfying it felt when her head squeezed off its little round socket thing. It’s the kind of gross satisfaction that you’ll only experience later as a pre-teen when you pop pimples. Do you think this is why people grow up to be serial killers? Please discuss.

barbies thrown down stairs

2) The game where you threw her down the stairs to see if she landed on her head or her feet.

Do you think children play that game because, although Barbie is much more beautiful than them, and has a dream house, and a car, they are still giants? They can affirm the fact that they are giants through this game? Because the weirdest part of being a kid is being really short in comparison to everything else in the world (as a child I remember constantly thinking “why are cabinet doors all so inappropriately high up?”).

3) Sex games.

Mash. Mash. Smush. This is a great game when you are still kind of afraid of penises and want them to be hidden inside briefs. Basically, this game teaches you what somewhat unsatisfying dry humping will be like. Mash!

barbie swimsuit

4) The game where you made her show up dressed inappropriately to… places.

This might just have been my thing, but I liked to dress most of my barbies in ballgowns and then one barbie in a swimsuit, so she would show up stupidly dressed for their party. Life for my barbies existed in some sort of hell realm of disfigurement, embarrassment and unresolved sexual tension. If I am bad enough in this life, I am fully convinced I’ll be reincarnated a Barbie doll, and that is enough to keep me decent.

astronaut barbie

5) The game where you made her get a job, like an astronaut, or something.

I am fully convinced that no child in the history of the world has ever played this game.

In other quandaries: why do we treat Barbies so terribly?


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    • Rose D.

      Are my sisters and I the only ones who played violent car crash games? Where you’d chop off Barbie’s limbs, and color the stumps red, and then she’d die, and everyone would cry, or rejoice, because her little sister was trying to steal Ken?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        I bet this is how JG Ballard played with Barbies, if he had them.

    • Fabel

      I had a game where I stuck Barbie’s legs through one of those mesh grocery store fruit baskets* and pretended it was a some kind of walker for her. The storyline was that she was never the same after “the accident” or some such thing, and all my other Barbies would make fun of her. Also, when I was at school at recess or otherwise separated from all my Barbies, I would continue the story as a play, using myself as all of the characters.

      I only ripped the head off of the one I had with, like, a tiny ball for a neck? (so you could pop the head on & off) That was fun!


    • Tania

      My sister and I had a Ken doll each, and between them they had one man outfit.

      We used to have one Ken get dressed in a ballgown, the other in his man clothes, and the two Kens would get married to each other while the Barbies celebrated.

    • Lauren

      My Barbies always went out on first dates and then showed immediate signs of pregnancy before they even got home. I would then play out which of their friends would stand by her and which would now hate her for being a filthy whore. I’m pretty sure this was a social commentary on health care coverage of birth control. That or I watched way to many Lifetime movies with my mother as a child.

    • ShyTown

      My cousin and I had a special “ride” for our barbies, which consisted of strapping them to the blades of a ceiling fan with scrunchies and turning the fan on, seeing how long it took each one to fly off and across the room, where/how they landed etc.
      And of course, all of our Barbies had lots of sex, but we only had one Ken, lucky guy.

    • Kj

      Oh man, my barbies were always lesbians because I never had a Ken doll. It was hot.

      Later on my brother got some of those full sized G.I. Joes, so they got to explore being hetero for a while. Me and my brother played like they do on Toy Story, with a giant mashup of all our favourite toys.

      One of the ones I remember best was when G.I. Joe crash landed on some sort of alien planet and was taken prisoner by the evil overlord (A rubber Hulk Hogan doll), who forced G.I. Joe to marry his hideous daughter (a disfigured baby doll 3x the size of G.I. Joe), although G.I. Joe was in love with Hulk Hogan’s sex slave (Barbie, natch). I can’t remember how it played out, but there was lots of marital rape and murder. The sexing always took place in a dresser drawer, so we never saw what happened, but it sounded pretty violent. Good times!

    • Tris

      I’m somewhat relieved to find out that my barbies weren’t the only ones with a sex life. I also gave them nipples (with my mom’s nail polish). It was just disturbing to me that they had boobs with no nipples.

    • Kay

      Oh God. I think that first picture is going to leave me forever traumatized.

      • Kay

        Oh! And Jennifer, we should totally play! I think I still have my ballerina Barbie somewhere…she was the best backstabber ever, so I’m sure we’d have lots of fun betraying one another.

    • Amber

      LMFAOOO! I def did all of these! HAHAHAH

    • MM

      Because I had somehow amassed three Ken dolls, my favourite story was “Barbie successively marries and poisons three men for their money.”

      I don’t tell this story to boyfriends.

      • Norah

        roflcopters this is hilarious

    • Chasity

      I Made My Dolls Have Sex..Then My Mom Took My Ken Dolls Away… They Also Took Showers. Which Was Really The Refrigerator On My Play Kitchen….But Yeah…I Made My Dolls Play Bumper Cars, Though They Never Died. I Threw My Dolls Down The Stairs To See If They Would LAnd On Their Feet And Laughed When They Did. I Had The Ones Where You Could Take Their Heads Off, And Pop Them Back Off. Often For Some UnKnown Reason My Dolls Would Have Insest..The Daddy, And The Daughter Would Commence Intercourse. Now I Look Back And Laugh, And Kinda Wonder If I Was A Sane Child..Yeah…

    • Kiki

      I used to give one Barbie a job as a waitress at “Checker’s” because I had a checkered overall dress and a red shirt. Then the rest of the barbies would make fun of her and stick mean notes in her locker. She’d also have one friend who really did nothing because I’d always forget.

      But once my sister got Barbies, our room turned into some kind of turf war between the opposing Barbie Gangs. We’d steal each other’s stuff, run over Barbies with cars, have them fight, and finally, try to get the one Ken doll I had and the one child doll she had. Once we both had a few child dolls kidnapping rates went way up.

      Once my other sister got dolls, we made a spider web of death out of yarn. One Barbie would kidnap Barbies and Polly Pockets and some other dolls that we made preteens.

      Eventually our games added sexual stuff, but kept the whole killing and kidnapping thing. It’s like as we added more sisters to the mix, we got deeper into our disturbed young minds. Luckily we outgrew them before my other sister started with them. But we did do bad things to her My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Or we made them do bad things.

    • J

      I remember the makeovers: 
      giving her pen ink lip/eyeliner and bizarre uneven haircuts (hack jobs)

      taking their heads off and trying to reattach them onto different doll’s bodies. 
      having a million+ outfits for every occasion and for some reason never being able to find any of them  so my dolls were always in the nude or wrapped in a colorful sock of mine. 

      I also remember having a ken doll that came with the ‘actual hair’ and throwing him in the clothes dryer one day after a bath and it causing the synthetic hair fibers to shrink and frizz into little dreads- which resulted in me referring to him as “dreadlock ken” from then on. 

      good times.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lookitsafreakinrhinostrich Elizabeth Bottelberghe

      I used to make my Stacy dolls go to school and make fun of each other, then they would fight until one decapitated the other, when I was like 4 years old. My mom thought I was going to grow up to be a serial killer, lol…