3. Please never open your Facebook page and ask me to look at it. Nothing makes my vagina dry up faster than someone uttering the phrase, “Oh my God, let me just pull this up and show you.” Every single time that happens, I get the overwhelming feeling that I’ve just snorted a Xanax — my eyes glaze over, my mind seems to travel miles and miles away, and time is suddenly meaningless.
I think the effect comes from simultaneously knowing that the next 30 minutes are going to be like social media waterboarding, but at the same time knowing that I’m going to have to pretend to care.
4. Jumping on the bed is not for grown-ups. It’s at this point that I would have left.
5. So after all that, you don’t go out? No. This isn’t a thing. If I’ve endured your indecision about your own closet, your Facebook page, and your singing into a hairbrush like you’re recreating some sort of goddamn Molly Ringwald montage, your ass is going out. And you’re going to fucking have fun. And so the fuck am I.