• Wed, Mar 21 2012

How To Make People Feel Terrible About Whatever They Are Eating

food guilt

Do you love being an asshole? There’s no better way to do that than to subtly police everyone’s food intake. Here are some super cool, attentive, helpful approaches that everyone will appreciate! People love being food-guilted! Go!

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  • Ashley Cardiff

    You forgot, “You don’t *have* to eat all of that.”

    • yiraf

      Gah! OMG!! My boyfriend said this to me once!! It was almost the end of our three year relationship. You say I should have? I forgave him. I’m magnanimous.

  • Cee

    Ive heard more than half of these. It’s probably why I’ve taken to exercising a bit more religiously lately.

    • Jennifer Wright

      PEOPLE WHO SAY THESE THINGS ARE PASSIVE AGRRESIVE INSECURE MONSTERS.

  • Rose D.

    It’s so odd I haven’t seen you guys around my office, since you must have taken them from what my boss says EVERY TIME he sees me (or any other woman) eat.

  • Ms. Pants

    The people that say this are the same people who call you a bitch when you lose weight. As if my shedding pounds is a poor reflection on who THEY are. Oh, I forgot–everything about me is really about YOU.

    I tend to auto-zone when I hear someone say they’re vegan, but if I heard a vegan tell me that their way of life is much “more healthy,” I’d probably tell them that they should focus some of that uppity energy on better grammar.

  • Goldie

    Also when turning down any homemade baked goods offered to you, say “Oh I don’t need the calories” when “No, thank you” is perfectly sufficient. Or if a terrorist somehow plants some baked goods in your house, bring them to work and loudly proclaim, “We don’t need the calories in my house!”

    I’m talking to YOU, guy in my department who certainly does not read this blog.

  • Amy

    I get: “poutine Amy? Again?”

    Fuck you. I eat raw fruits and vegetables for breakfast and lunch most days of the week. Health food may be good for the body, but fries covered in melted mozza and gravy are good for the soul.

    • Cee

      I have yet to try poutine!

      I get fries with gravy, which taste like the best mashed potatoes in the world! But I haven’t braved them with cheese just yet!

    • Nancy

      @Cee Not just cheese, it’s cheese curds! Don’t forget! Some people try to make their own and just put shredded cheese on it. I find that deeeesgusting, but real poutine is the best thing EVER

    • Tania

      My love for poutine is unholy.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Holy shit, real poutine contains cheese curds? I had some version of it made with shredded cheese which was fine, but, wow, curds. Yes. YES.

    • b3v

      omg PLEASE all come to Montreal and we’ll have the best poutine! it’s in my neighborhood! :D
      ok. just realised I sound creepy/desperate.

      I’m just a really forward and pushy poutine advocate. :)

  • Leslie

    But yogurt from McDonalds isn’t healthy! Nobody should eat that, ever! Even their oatmeal is super bad for you. Knowledge is power!

    • Cee

      Hmm…I think this article was written for people like you. Everyone is mostly aware that when they step into McDonald’s they are not going to get their dose of whole grains, kale and whateverthefuck else you get at the vegan farmer’s market. They want it because they want it, let it be. People should indulge every now and then.

    • Goldie

      WE KNOW.

    • Niki

      BREAKING NEWS: MCDONALDS NOT HEALTH FOOD.

      no shit, sherlock.

    • Quin

      You’re really good at this “making people feel terrible about what they’re eating” thing! Really, congrats!

      But the yogurt is one of the more healthy options on the menu. So as a person who works at McDonald’s, I eat it on lunch break pretty often in order to avoid the more unhealthy options.

  • Roxana Rusowsky

    Whenever I get the “Wow, you really ARE hungry!” Hate that one!

  • J

    One time on a first date a gentleman caller INSISTED i order a dessert I didn’t want (mostly bc i wanted to get the mother eff out of there)( Not because I am some panzy afraid of cake). He then refused to eat any of it and talked non stop about how many calories / grams of fat it contained. Coincidently it was also the last date I had with him.

    • Niki

      Ew, food policing dates are the absolute worst. I once went out on a date with a guy who looked horrified when I ordered fettcine alfredo – then proceeded to lecture me on why I should be consuming “salads and lean protein”. At least he let me know he was a douchebag on the first date, right?

  • C

    I love this post! I’m the smallest and youngest lady working with a lot of older (and larger, sorry) ladies who just love to comment on everything I eat. All. the. time.

    If I eat a salad, its like “You’re SO disciplined. I can’t do that. That’s why you’re so small.” Or if I eat a burger and fries its like, “WOW. You must have the fastest metabolism ever. Wish I could eat like that. IT’LL CATCH UP TO YOU SOME DAY THOUGH, TRUST US!”

    I definitely don’t have a fast metabolism and I’m not very disciplined…I just eat different varieties of food and don’t see the need to comment on that? People are so weird.

    • Lisa

      I have the EXACT same problem at my work! Drives me absolutely insane that as they’re heating up their crappy Lean Cuisines they make fun of me for eating an apple. “No wonder you’re so skinny!” Ugh.

    • Nancy

      I have this problem, too, but I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), so I’m almost always stomach sick, and they try to force food on me. I eventually told them about my stomach sickness because, before, whenever I’d turn down SWEETS IN THE MORNING ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY they’d be like, “Oh yeah, because you really need to watch your figure” sarcastically, of course. Or when I’d eat a lot they’d mention my “Hollow leg.” They’d seriously make a joke every single time I turned down food. So now I just say, “No, I have a bad stomach” and they don’t say anything. Well, not as often.

  • RE JENNIFER

    Jennifer, this page is meant to be humorous. lighten up!

  • Niki

    This post should be required reading for 98% of the population. THIS COOKIE ISNT HEALTH FOOD? GOSH, WHO KNEW.

  • Ruby

    aaaah this is the best/worst! these people are the bane of my existence. pretty much going to print this out and hand out copies to everyone i know.

  • Mifflin

    I keep my blasphemous vegan mouth shut about everyone’s dietary habits because no one likes “that pushy vegan bitch.” They bring it up more often than I do.

    But somehow it’s ok for everyone to tell me that they’re eating 4 cows for every one I don’t eat.

    I eat most (read: all) meals alone these days. I want to eat without *my* dietary habits being dissected.

    Live and let live, folks.

    Other than that, this is too true.

    • BeccaTheCyborg

      I’ve found the same as a vegetarian. Really, really defensive meat-eaters getting all judgy while I’m just eating.

    • MM

      Yeah, it seems that as soon as I tell people I’m vegetarian they immediately assume that I’m going to try to convert them because they can get incredibly defensive. It’s like dude, I’m not trying to push any agenda on you. I’m just explaining why I’d rather not go to a steakhouse on a date.

    • Woo

      Agreed. I have a woman in my office who is a mega bitch for other work related reasons and feels the need to bring up my veganism at every opportunity! The only reason anybody at work even knows is because a friend of my mum’s works there and made vegan cupcakes for my birthday. I don’t say anything, even when they are having their cheese/meat-fests and invite me to share, just ‘no thanks, I brought lunch’.

      I also had a housemate who used to look at me funny for eating pasta for breakfast, because wholegrain carbs in the form of cereal is ok, but in the form of pasta is a sign of devil worship?!

  • RM

    I had a roommate once tell me I shouldn’t eat carrots because they have the highest sugar index or something of vegetables. CARROTS!

  • yiraf

    You say I should have… broken up with him I meant. Dammit. End of the day. This is what happens when you write a post and don’t actually hit send til like 3 hours later.

  • Haley

    It really goes both ways. People foisting food on you when you’re trying to watch what you eat is almost as uncomfortable as people commenting on how unhealthy/fattening something you’re eating is.

    I’m lucky to be part of a family that is pretty respectful of my food choices; Thanksgivings are really low pressure, which is awesome. It’s only at work where people are like, “did you try the birthday cake? It’s so good! Especially with the ice cream!”-which are both readily and cheaply available at the Harris Teeter across the street. If I’m going to indulge, I’d rather it be homemade/some hilariously expensive gourmet truffle or whatever.

    I do, however, have an embarrassing soft spot for that Crisco-y supermarket icing. Scrape it off the cake box when everyone’s done embarrassing.

  • julia

    I haaaaaate it when people say this sort of stuff to me. I’m in recovery for anorexia and eat a meal plan in order to gain or maintain weight. Unfortunately, some people can’t keep their eyes on their own plate and their thoughts to themselves. I’m usually just a bitch about it and savor it in front of them.