A Prayer For Jessica Simpson’s Soon-To-Be-Ruined Lady-Parts

Jessica Simpson PregnantCan I say vagina in the title of the post?

Anyways, Jessica Simpson is asking for prayers. As she’s shared with us plenty of times, she has a lot of amniotic fluid, and it’s making her baby bump a little more like a baby barrel attached to the front of her abdomen. As most first-time mothers would, JSim is now worried that she’s going to have to squeeze out a whopper of a newborn. She told People, “If we have a ten pounder, pray for me!”

So I decided to. Here’s my prayer for Jessica Simpson and her impending childbirth. I hope it helps.

Dear Lord and Heavenly Father,

Please look over Jessica Simpson’s vagina, because I’m really tired of hearing about it. I know when it lost its virginity. I know about it’s current fluid problem. Really, I know too much. So please make sure that it stays in tact, so I don’t have to hear about it anymore.

I know that you have plenty of things to worry about. I know that there are babies being born everywhere, all over of the world. (Like my sister’s coming soon, please look out for her too!) But I would like to take this moment to ask you to guide Jessica Simpson in her labor and delivery. Please let her have a routine, completely average childbirth. Please let it be a private experience, because the rest of the world don’t want to know anything else. Honestly, we’re ready for this mess to be done.

We’re sick of hearing about he cravings and her gas. Please don’t make us listen to press releases on the state of her postpartum lady-parts. I’m just not sure the world can take much more.

And I hate to ask too much, dear Lord, but please let the Simpson family realize that pregnancy and childbirth are a special, private time in a person’s life. Let them be content to announce the birth of a healthy child and leave it at that. We’ll all be thrilled for a new beautiful baby in the world, but we’ll be even happier that we don’t get the gory details. Heavenly Father, her episiotomy is her own business.

Yes, Lord, I know that giving birth does on a number on your vagina. Believe me, I remember. But you gave me the strength and peace of mind to complain about those things with my sister and close friends, instead of broadcasting that business to tabloids. I thank you for that. And I hope that Jessica Simpson will feel your hand in her life and be persuaded to do the same.

Thank you for your blessings in our lives. Amen.

Share This Post:
    • Cee

      LOVE THIS!

    • Kj


    • lol

      maybe just skim over anything being said by Jess or ignore it in the future. That way you won’t have to be on bended knee as much. Clearly you keep going back for more. lol She is just keeping it real & saying what most say behind closed door or keep in there mind.. If she wants to share let her. She is never mean spirited or puts others down. She lives her life her way.

    • vomiting

      ‘I know about it’s current fluid problem.’


      I don’t understand why your posts aren’t read through by someone before publishing.

    • Amen

      I too am sick of hearing about this unwed Christian mother’s pignasty. And no, that was not a typo.