I Can Finally Admit I Make A Sh*tty Girlfriend

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly the greatest person out there. I’m a bit bat-shit crazy, definitely a little selfish and am currently working on ways to be even more of a recluse than I already am because I find the majority of people to be annoying. I can count all my “serious” relationships on one hand and my actual adult relationships that involved grown up things like maturity and trust on no hands.

On top of being too picky, or rather obnoxiously picky, like my no white socks rule and a requirement that certain bands be in their top 10 list, I’m also drawn to assholes. It’s actually a talent. In a lovely sea of nice guys, I will want to be with the asshole, the emotionally unattainable one, and the one who will probably cheat on me when I’m eight months preggers should we ever make it that far. I’m no psychic, but I can just see that that’s how it would go down and I’ll end up in my parents’ basement with my kid and the neighbors will call us “Boo One” and “Boo Two.”

So since I’ve had a lot of time recently to re-evaluate my life, the decisions I have made and paths I have chosen, I’ve been able to come to an undeniable fact: I make a shitty girlfriend.

First of all, I’m extremely standoff-ish in person. I have a hard time relating to people in the flesh, and more than likely I won’t be able to stand someone when I first meet them. By the time I finally warm up to his friends (if I ever do), we will more than likely have already broken up. I realize that this character flaw is a defense mechanism, but it’s still something I’ve yet to conquer.

I require lots of alone time. My ideal relationship would be a long distance one, because I’d have my bed to myself and I’d get my necessary and ample amount of “me” time. I live alone for a reason, and it’s not just because everyday is naked day in my apartment but more due to the reality that I just really enjoy doing things on my own. I’m a loner.

I hate to share my people. When I say “my people,” I’m not talking about the cult I’m trying to get started out of my kitchen that’s not taking off for some reason, but I mean my friends and family. I’m much better one on one, so although I like the “idea” of hanging out with someone and other people, too, it just sucks. When I’m with you, I’m with you and don’t want anyone infiltrating our little world of madness. And when I’m not with you, I’ll assume you’re pining away for me waiting for the next time we’ll be together. When I realize that you just might have a life outside of ours, I will be pissed as hell and not understand why I have to share you with others even if I don’t want to be with you all the time.

Which brings us to the bat-shit crazy end of things. I’m a nut. I really am. I fall apart too easily, I have an Irish temper, I’m a hothead, I shoot from the hip, I’m overly opinionated, there’s a good chance I will knee you in the balls at some point and if you fuck me over, I will do my very best to make sure you get it back threefold. Granted, there won’t be any boiling of bunnies or murder or anything like that, but I’ll find a way. Crazy people always find a way.

I will have greater dreams for you than you’ll have for yourself. This is actually something that has been pointed out to me on more than one occasion, and apparently people don’t like it. According to my ex Timothy I wanted more for him than he wanted for himself. He just wanted to paint and be happy and I wanted him to be the next Basquiat; not because I thought he should be rich and famous, but because I truly believed he had the talent to pull it off. I still think he can. Honestly, if you’re one of the few whom I’ve loved, I can guarantee that no one before or after me will believe in you the way I will. That character trait is also why I named my dog Hubbell after Hubbell Gardner in The Way We Were. Watch it, and it will make sense.

I can’t say no to temptation. I’m not saying I’ve ever cheated, but fuck, am I bad at saying “no.”

However, despite these things that add up to me being a shitty girlfriend, I can tell you that if you’re insane enough to take a chance on me and let me into your life, it will have been worth it. You’ll get me at my best and my worst, and probably sometimes all at once. I’ll love you in a do-or-die type of fashion that is usually only reserved for impossible love stories, I will always have your back (even if I’m in the middle of alone time), and I’ll be ridiculously fun, because like I said – I’m kind of a lunatic.

I may not be Marilyn Monroe, but since she did sum it up perfectly:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

In other words, even the shittiest of us do have our good moments, even if they are rare and fleeting. But honestly, I’m pretty damn great when I’m at my best; and I know my exes will at least admit to that.

Share This Post:
    • Fabel

      “When I’m with you, I’m with you and don’t want anyone infiltrating our little world of madness. And when I’m not with you, I’ll assume you’re pining away for me waiting for the next time we’ll be together”

      Ahh, this.

    • MM

      I see no problem with a “no white socks” rule. That’s just COMMON SENSE.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Thank you!

    • Kacie

      No white socks? WTF?

    • betty

      you sound like a not so bad girlfriend for the right guy. it also sounds like you might be a little borderline…if a guy can understand that and be patient with you, then you’re golden

      • Amanda Chatel

        This is probably true, the ‘borderline’ part (and the rest of it, too)… but so far, I just have the ‘massive depressive disorder’ stamp on my forehead. Although I’m not sure what that even means anymore.

    • Miss C

      Oh sweetie, don’t give up – I am forming the opinion that the ages 23 – 39 are basically the graveyard of relationships, either you bond young and stick together (or, hold each other as an ideal, cref my mate who is finally with her college sweetheart aged 36!) or, you reach an age (I’m there – don’t tell anyone) where you find the love of your life purely by having faced down similar levels of shit together, and thus have the mutual silent respect that battle veterans possess (which also comes with a side of, “don’t ask, don’t tell” on darker moments, at least at the start…)

      Some reado for you:

      (about the “nice guys” mentalness/sense of entitlement for being “NIIIICE”)

      (Nice guys slut their hearts to women, like women slut their bodies to men, and so who wants a slut – ain’t condoning that belief, just reporting it!)

      • Amanda Chatel

        I love this comment… not just because you called me ‘sweetie,’ but because you gave advice too. Less than two minutes later, another commenter called me ‘honey.’ I started to get confused… when commenters are darling, it throws a blogger’s world out of whack!

    • Imsorrybut

      I can admit to being a shitty commenter, without feeling the need to redeem myself at the end of the post for being a special snowflake. Why can’t you?

      On a sidenote, that Marilyn quote was ringing so true with me, until I realised I had misread it. Not just a shitty commenter, also a shitty reader. But if you were perusing over my comments carefully, it will have been wor… oh no.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say, but cheers! I’ll have a beer in your honor!

      • Elle

        Writers are taught to “reach for significance” at the end of a piece.

        If someone were to write a long story and then not tie it up in the end, but abruptly declare, “uh … I dunno. The end?” it would suck.

        There has to be something a bit uplifting after a lot of negativity so it doesn’t read as a long whine later followed by a retraction stating, “oops, I meant to just post this in my LiveJournal. Sorry for the crap.”

        Or we could wrap things up as eloquently as your comment. What?

        I tease!

        But, seriously, something went wrong with your comment. What?

      • Imsorrybut

        Dear Elle,

        while I find a certain difference between “tying it up” and stating the exact opposite of the preceding text, I do see your point in ending on an up-note. That exactly was, what led me to finish my reply in a little attempt to mock the author and myself alike in mimicking the behaviour I just had criticised. It all just sounded a little too much like a “special snowflake” to me, which can be tiresome if it’s someone’s only excuse for being crude. And while I do not know the author, I can say with a confidence, that the only thing “special” about me is my impeccable ability to not get my point across. So I’m glad Amanda took it in such a good humour. Cheers.

    • Jen

      Are you a Scorpio, by any chance?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Libra! On the cusp of virgo…

    • Emil

      amen, girl. there’s a few of us out here.

    • Alisha

      I read this and thought I had been blogging in my sleep. We are eerily similar but I’m a Leo so I’m probably more of an ass. You are not a shitty girlfriend, though. You just need someone who’s well-versed in complex and intelligent women(hard to find unfortunately.) I recently found someone who’s a little nuts himself but just grounded enough to keep me from floating away into the clouds. I agree with Miss C as I found this guy a few months shy of my 30th, and he’s a nice guy which is bonus. Bottom line is…there’s hope…and stop going for the assholes.

    • Di

      Sigh – I read this and thought I had written it myself. After a lot of soul searching recently and a lot of “asshole” dating, I have finally met a nice guy….of course I broke it off with him after two months because he was (get this….) “too nice”.

      Happy to say that we are now trying to make it work. I’m 40 and I realize that no one will ever be perfect and that I have to stop chasing jerks and have one-sided relationships.

      • Anna

        I hope things will work out with the nice guy…
        We all deserve to be treated nicely. Let’s not treat bad guys as challenges, they’re waste of time.


    • MR

      Craxy workflow I just finished, and am just circling back on stuff. I could have gone out, but chose to come home. Does this make me a loner? :) Yeah, I’m heading to Vermont early tomorrow. So you chose a lot of bad guys. You hurt yourself. Don’t keep making the same mistake. I disagree with Miss C. I can do it both ways, but the nice guy won’t intentionally use you, so you may want to take a look. They may crowd you though. Pace ‘em. :)

      • MR

        Thought you might still be awake, but I was wrong. I only slept 3 hours over the last 48 hours, mostly very early this morning. I’m ready to crash. So you are almost a Libra, huh? I said to Jennifer a while back, you’re like one, but don’t act it all the time. Women with a fond appreciation of the Arts, plus good in bed. :) Keep your head up. You are a good person, and nothing is going to stop you.

      • MR

        So you’re blowing me off, huh? You also mentioned long distance relationship – which, as you know, I’m currently in one. She’s told me more than once, she feels there’s a wall between my weekends with her and my workweek without her. Truthfully I call her when I get home from work every night, usually between 6 and 6:30. And if she texts me during the day, I respond immediately. Anyways I been traveling to her mostly, cause I don’t want her to incur the expense of the travel. But in her mind, that puts me in her world, and her not in mine. So anyway this weekend, cause I only spent one night with her, she asked if she can come and spend this Weds night with me. Which is totally crazy, since it’s over 4 hours round trip to be with me for just 12 hours, which we’ll spend mostly sleeping. So that’s where I’m at right now. I think a long distance relationship is easier on the guy than it is on the woman.