• Wed, Mar 28 2012

I’m Single, But I Want A Wedding

want wedding

On my way to visit my buddy, Miss Havisham

I was discussing upcoming articles with the big boss, and I mentioned that I wanted to write about, how, recently, I had started really wanting to plan a wedding.

“Do you think it’s because you’re almost 26 and your biological clock is ticking?” She asked.

“No,” I replied, “I don’t have a biological clock.”

And that was when my identity as a replicant was finally revealed. Sorry, I’m on the lam from Harrison Ford now, so I’m going to have to keep this short. Also, this article really didn’t go where you thought it was going to go.

I'm going to adopt some sassy new hairstyles and take up smoking

What I meant to say was not “I have no biological drive” (because I would, one day, like to get married) but that I am not saying “I want to get married.” I want a wedding. I want to plan a wedding. There’s a pretty massive difference.

Which is surprising, because I always fancied myself one of those people who, if they ever did get married, would just head down to Vegas. Then friends started getting married, and friends of friends started getting married, and I realized that planning is awesome. All the planning. It probably happened because people asked me for input, and, by God, I had input.

I found myself pointing out to one friend that if the Father of The Groom got cufflinks from one store and not another store “you might as well just punch him in the face until his eyes bleed.” I did not know the father of the groom. In retrospect, cufflinks were not a totally required gift. They were kind of a nicety to begin with. So, this is the reaction of a crazy person.

A crazy person who is going to be so great at planning a wedding. A crazy person who is going to make sure that everyone gets the best possible cufflinks.

Seriously, I love making lists.

I love planning out minute details like whether you should carry a wedding bouquet of calla lilies or a boquet of red roses (calla lilies, duh, red roses are a cliche. Although, as McLuhan says – and he was perhaps referring to this very situation, if you misinterpret his basic point, and are also a deranged narcissist – sometimes cliche becomes archetype, so it’s not as though there’s nothing to be said for going with a classic like red roses. But calla lilies are something new, and is new not the new old? Personally my bouquet will be comprised only of dandelions and venus fly traps! But that’s just me. That’s just me being awesome. Don’t feel bad).

Planning like this makes me feel great. In the same way, I often feel like I enjoy planning vacations more than I ever enjoy actually taking them. If you are not someone who is good at being “in the moment” then planning is your jam. I love planning out things because it is a way we, as humans, distract ourselves from the inevitability of death and the turmoil of our lives. So, what I mean is, I love doing this stuff, because it’s fun.

Nothing requires more planning than a wedding. There’s a whole damn industry built around that very concept.

But it would be much more fun if it were a party you got to plan for yourself. Okay, yourself, with a fiance, but I sort of imagine that anyone I’d marry would know me well enough to let me take the reins on this one. When you have to help other people plan, it’s just a lot of smiling and nodding politely while they choose the wrong flowers (roses always win, Venus Fly Traps consistently overlooked).

Of course it’s easy to say “Jennifer, you just want a big party. You just want to throw Truman Capote’s Black and White Ball.” To which I say “yes. You are correct, friend.”

truman capote black and white ball

The black and white ball is why I wear a lone ranger style mask everyplace

However, as a normal person, you do not often get to take over the Plaza and fill it with a mix of celebrities, socialites, royalty and people who recently witnessed a murder. I’m not friends with anyone on that list anyway, except the people who saw that guy I killed (Harrison Ford), but fellow replicants get all twitchy at parties.

Basically, unless you are Truman Capote, there are very few times in your life where you DO get to obsessively plan a party. Or at least obsessively plan one in a way that is considered socially acceptable. Blowing thousands of dollars on a birthday party and having everyone understand that you are going to take months to plan it would make you seem like a crazy person. Planning a wedding, on the other hand, will absolutely turn you into a crazy person, but it’s a time when everyone thinks it’s all right to be a crazy person.

And this seems great. It actually seems wonderful that you get to block out a time to obsess over minor frivolous details and everyone will just go with it. Planning a wedding doesn’t seem stressful, it seems like a vacation from worrying about things that actually matter. Instead of going home and worrying about – you know, the things one worries about, career, family, relationships – I want to go home and worry intensely about whether or not we should have a wedding cake made of red velvet, or if we should just go strong, and do pumple. So what this basically amounts to is – and if it helps, I’m thinking either The National Arts Club or the small, upstairs area at the NYPL as a location, and I’m leaning heavily towards The Book of Love as the first dance, unless you think that’s too much book stuff all at once:

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

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Share This Post:
  • Amanda Chatel

    I’ll say it again: I’m so happy you’re in charge of my upcoming capote-style black & white ball birthday party. You know, for like maybe 30 of us – and only 10 of whom can stand me. Yeah!

  • Jamie Peck

    See, I like throwing parties because they help me live in the moment when they are happening and because I like helping the people I love make bad life choices that lead to fun. The planning part is necessary but I don’t love it. I’m vain so my own birthday is excuse enough, but if/when I get married, you can bet it’ll be the craziest, sloppiest, most life-wrecking party I’ve ever thrown.

  • Miss C

    I don’t think anybody feels like “real people” any more – “real people” eat five a day, sleep before 11pm, recycle effortlessly, and think that although some aspects of the world might be not suitable for them, their peers and work colleagues help them stay grounded and adjust their values.

    Could I rant more – fuck yeah, but since I am not disagreeing or claiming you to be the reincarnation of Nefertiti who wants to entomb us all in waffle-waffle-gurble-blip… not gonna do so!

    Peace out, party on… ;o)

  • alma

    Pumple!!!!!!!

  • francesca

    i am a planner. debated throwing away my legal career to be an event planner because i loved all the planning and was good at it.

    yet, now. with my own wedding looming, i seem to have forgotten how to plan.

    what i do know, book of love might be the first dance. and there’s never enough book stuff.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Francesca, if you steal my song I plan to show up at your wedding and fake an epileptic seizure on the dance floor.

    • Francesca

      do you promise?

      the song will be played at this wedding thing. but it’s our second choice for the first song.

      is that still stealing?

  • MR

    Like a ‘Fiddler on the Roof’. You’re more attractive than Sean Young, don’t change a thing. :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLLEBAQLZ3Q

  • T-Lex

    I am worried about your venus fly traps, I feel like once cut they might droop and do they ever grow longer than 3 inches long? Will they be hungry and open or are you planning on feeding them before the wedding?

    • Jennifer Wright

      I will feed them before the wedding and there will be hundreds of them.

      The pre-wedding stuff is going to be pretty weird, what with all the flies and devouring. But I will be a bride, so I can yell at people if they don’t say it’s charming.

  • Sean

    You forgot a cheese platter with applewood smoked cheddar.

    God I love applewood smoked cheddar. If I ever get married, I’m going to ask for a wheel of that mother as a wedding present.

    • ktree

      I discovered smoked gouda at a wedding. Weddings always have the BEST cheese.

  • Fabel

    Please marry me! I hate planning, and your wedding sounds like it would be the best.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I accept your offer.

    • Fabel

      <3

  • Jamie Peck

    Oh, and my first dance will be “Ambulance” by TV On The Radio, followed by “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths. NOT THAT I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Oh, I LOVE “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”. I will dance at your wedding. I hope it will be all the Smiths, all the time.

    • Amanda Chatel

      “Lover’s Spit” by Broken Social Scene is my chosen song… not just because I love it, but because the line “swallowing words while giving head” is bound to raise an eyebrow or two.

    • MR

      So not only Ashley likes Morrissey. Early ‘The Smiths- right up Amanda’s alley? It’s a very romantic song. It was that or ‘Big Mouth Strikes Again’. :)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh2bonnjv70

    • Jennifer Wright

      Actually, in a bizarre twist of events, Ashley is the only person here who does not love The Smiths.

      My favorite is “Frankly, Mr. Shankly” but I listen to “You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby” when I feel bitter.

    • MR

      Really. Okay, I thought Ashley was doing a pun on words with Robert Smith (The Cure) and Morrissey (The Smiths). I think she was comparing their suits, can’t remember exactly, it was a while back. The Smiths were part of the ‘New Wave’ in the early ’80s. It’s a great period of rock music – a lot of great bands. This is another Smiths song from then, but I could only find it on 2010 peel session album. I like yours too. :)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhbuCeQpDts

  • Dawn

    i think you may be my long lost sister. Or soulmate. Anyways, recently I was working at a wedding show and all my colleagues (who are married) were teasing that “good thing your boyfriend can’t see you eyeing these expensive gowns!” to which i said “Can I just have the wedding, without needing the paper saying we’re married?” Silence, like I had suggested having prom at a nudist beach (which could also be fun)
    This could be a thing, thank you for making me feel less alone.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Prom parties at nudist beaches are going to be my new thing to begin planning.

      God, it would be so decadent. Like angels among savages.

  • ktree

    I decided several years ago I want a meat wedding. My bridesmaids will carry bouquets of bacon and slim jims, and I will carry a ham. The cake will be meatloaf with mashed potato icing and there will be a gravy fountain. The best part will be when I throw my “bouquet” and hopefully knock someone out.

    • Carla

      I <3 you x infinity!

  • Magda

    Like a year ago I decided that if by the time I turn 29, I am not anywhere near being married (not even in a relationship, because some of those never end in marriage) but if when I turn 29, I am not close to being married, then I will spend the year leading up to my birthday planning an extravagent 30th birthday party, on the scale of a wedding, Im talking ushers and my friends in formal dresses and gift registry and all. Like, I want save the dates and everything. It will be beautiful.

    So beautiful that I want people to think I was left at the alter or something. Like they expect a wedding,, but nope, its just me. =)

    Or maybe I can fake an engagement and then bask in peoples sympathy when the “groom” doesnt show up… ohhhh!!! That sounds FUN! I love making things up!!!

    • Jennifer Wright

      Magda! I think I know men who would be down to be your pretend groom. This is a great idea! We can pull this off!

    • Magda

      Yessssssss!!!! I will be counting down the next 5 years. 4 years? One would assume that I must first weave a tale of a fake relationship before holding a fake 1 year engagement.

      The ultimate question would be what would be the correct relationship/engagement time span to elicit the most dramatic reaction?

    • andrew

      That is pathetic.

      How selfish and self involved can a person be. With an attention whorish attitude like that it is no wonder you will never marry.

  • Liana

    Stressed out just reading this, but I am with you on the calla lilies.

  • Kim

    My dear husband muttered that if he was served pumple, his toast to the bride and groom would begin with a request to return our wedding gift! (Sometimes I still don’t know when he’s kidding or not.)