Esquire Writer Pens Apparently Drunken Screed Against Women Who Are Bad In Bed

Ladies, just so you know, Esquire writer Chris Jones isn’t impressed with your stupid possession of a vagina. He thinks that if all you’re doing during sex is lying in his bed, you may as well be a couch cushion. And also, don’t ever grind on him while boning. What are you doing, anyway — trying to stimulate your own clitoris?! Selfish.

In case you’re wondering, no, I myself did not sleep with Jones. I got all of this information — all of it! — from his recent piece in Esquire magazine, lovingly entitled “Women Who Are Bad in Bed – Ladies, You’re Not as Good as You Think.” The piece is short, a mere four paragraphs, but Jones still manages to convey how drunk he got as he was writing it.

He opens by telling his past lovers that some of them were so crappy in bed that they deserve to be insulted: “there are women who are worse in the sack than me. I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.”

But by the end of the piece, after asserting that these very same women fancy themselves “sexual Olympians” and reminding his hypothetical lovers not to clamp down on his head while he’s trying to eat them out, Jones instructs all the ladies reading his piece as follows:

“The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it.”

In other words, Jones’ sex life sucks! His partners are lame and uninspiring! And he’s complaining about it! And if you’re not happy with your sex life, it’s your own fault!


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    • msblondeeee

      No crush and grind? Does that mean he’ll just stab at ya from a mile away like some sweaty porn star? Sounds SO… unsatisfying. The best part about his drunken rant is that it’s sure to cut down on the amount of bad sex in this world. Specifically, sex with him. Way to go, Sparky.

    • Apfelbaum

      Jeez! What’s the problem. Some women make an entire career writing about how bad or selfish men are in bed!

      Just like men some women are good and some are terrible! Some are selfish.

      It happens.

    • Miss C

      I’m old and happily married now, but as a kid, I SO found that no man would fuck me (and I was on the prowl, no relationship wanted) UNLESS I was drunk – and seriously, who can do her best moves, be anything better than “show meh wotcha gots, kiddie!” in that state?!

      Maybe, men should just stfu and wear a label saying “I will service you tonite”….

      • Apfelbaum

        Surely a statement about yourself rather than the men who fucked you!

        What did they do? Breathalyse you first! It they were that bad and you were that horny why didn’t you just fake it! The drunkenness that is..presumably from what you were saying, hormones ensured everything else came naturally one way or the the other.

    • Kim

      Since he fell asleep almost immediately, the morning after the night before our first time my darling future husband could not stop raving about how good it was. Okay, it was good, very good, omfg it was great, but I digress. I asked him what he enjoyed best and he looked into my eyes and said, “Honey, you actually participated… and you even TOLD me what you were enjoying.” I swear, to this day, it’s the only time when he listens to me.

    • MM

      The thing I don’t like about this generic “complain that X gender is bad in bed” deal is that I wish we could instead tell people to their face. Not everyone likes the same thing in bed, so what’s bad in bed to you could be amazing to someone else. If I’m sleeping with someone who’s doing it wrong, I give them a few nudges in the right direction. Not that hard and if you frame it as “I like it X way” then it’s not hurtful.

    • Magda

      I dont think he’s trying to point the finger at just women as the bad ones in bed, but just trying to point out that sex involves TWO people. And I completely agree with him.

      And, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that when I started having “relations” a somewhat younger woman, someone who considers herself a modern woman, actually gave me the advice that the best thing to do “is just lay there”. I did not follow that advice.

      • Magda

        by “some what younger” I mean older than me, but not over thirty. Mid twenties? Idunno. I just felt the need to clarify.