Illustrated Guide: What To Do If Someone’s Sleeping In Your Bed

Recently, a lady friend of mine expressed that she’s enjoying the newfound freedom of being single (i.e., doing it with whoever she pleases) but she can’t get comfortable sleeping beside effective strangers. Soon after, another lady friend of mine shared the sentiment: the only real bummer to no-strings-attached sex is the problem of what to do after. Kick him out? Move to the couch? Alienate him until he flees? To aid my nice lady friends, I have written and illustrated this helpful guide, “What To Do If Someone’s Sleeping In Your Bed” (and, also, how to get them the hell out). A lot of it is conjecture, but feel free to try.

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    • Katie

      Sometimes your sense of humor is so dark it’s frightening.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I am personally upset because of the way Ashley keeps driving dog fuckers away from the site.

    • Bagels

      I love you guys.

    • Trudy

      I, too, have hooked up with a dude and considered sawing my own arm off to get away. It takes me months to feel comfortable sleeping next to a person, but apparently only a couple vodka tonics to fuck them.

    • Eileen

      This is why you only go to his place until you’re comfortable enough to want him sleeping in your bed. Then you go home because you have work/class in the morning. (It is important to choose a sex partner whose home is not closer to your work/class than yours is for this to work)

      • Kit

        That’s thinking ahead!

    • Meghan Keane

      Yes, but what do you do when you’re married to the person in your bed and cannot get a good night’s sleep unless he is out of town? (asking for a friend)

      • Katrina

        Does she have a guest room?

    • superjack

      I always appreciate a reminder not to fuck dogs!

    • Katrina

      Two things:
      If you just need to get your arm back, pretend like you’re snuggling really close, I mean close, invade his space! even asleep, he’ll shift away a little. Take that moment to reclaim your freedom. *note* this does not seem to work on men who actually love you, he’ll just respond – even asleep – by pulling you even closer.

      If he’s at your place and you need him gone, I find offering cab fare works just fine.

    • Rick Santorum

      Trudy, can I buy you a drink or two?

    • Dickie

      Is she dark, acerbic, maybe a little sick, but is she the best, you betcha. I think Ashley’s illustrated posts should be syndicated. They remind me of something the Berkeley Barb would publish as “comics”.

    • Allison

      This is the only site I come to for advice. But where can I procure a bear costume?

    • MR

      Well when it’s like this, there is really no connection. So why should you feel bad about being rude? If I don’t feel anything for you, what do I care if you throw me out? I don’t do this type of sex anymore, but I’m just saying.

    • woo

      Piss in the bed.

      • woo

        Sure, you’ll have to clean it up, but it will be nice and warm for 30 seconds and the other person will be long gone.

    • Anna

      Earplugs I guess hahaha. But it must be hard to get comfortable to sleep with strangers…


    • Elea Carey

      The longest length of time in all eternity is the length of time between when you come and he leaves.

    • Kevin

      You would never get me to leave if you’re looking like slide #7.