How Great Do Crones Look In Hollywood?

julia roberts mirror mirror

Look, let’s be honest – Mirror, Mirror is an interesting movie only if you view the entire thing as Julia Roberts’ meditation on aging. Forget Lily Collins running around looking like a young Audrey Hepburn, forget Armie Hammer being shirtless half the movie. Sure, that’s all fine (a bit leaden, but fine) but the best scene is when Julia Roberts lets bugs crawl all over body (bees sting her lips to puff them, scorpions do something presumably unspeakable because we don’t see it) in a bizarre satire of beauty treatments. It’s appeal is closely followed by every line Julia Roberts says, for instance, when Snow White is described as having “hair as black as night and skin as white as snow”:

“Blah, blah, blah. Her hair is not black it’s raven, she’s 18 years old and her skin has never seen the sun, so of course it’s good!”

But the thing you get out of this, really, is not that Julia Roberts does a pretty good job camping things up. It’ s that Julia Roberts looks terrific. I think some social justice stuff was going on in that movie, but I just kept thinking “wow, Julia Roberts looks terrific. How old is she now? She is 45? Has she had Botox? She must have had Botox. Her eyebrows are normal, though. If she had Botox how did she stop her eyebrows from arching in that weird Spock-brow? I suppose if you were Julia Roberts you could get some sort of Botox artist to do your forehead. The mirror reflection of her younger self looks nothing like young Julia Roberts. The mirror reflection also looks better than young Julia Roberts. I mean, maybe. Her cheekbones are more defined, anyway.”

In much the same way one of the major things I take away from Sunset Boulevard is “Gloria Swanson does not have a line on her entire face.”

There are a pretty good assortment of movies where aging crones desperate to maintain the last vestiges of their beauty are played by women who look comically amazing. I mean, seriously. Here. These:

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    • Brit

      FYI, a backwards question mark is the symbol for irony. Sadly I don’t think it comes standard on most computers which is a bummer because I would use it all the time.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Unfortunately, if this came on my computer, it is how I would end every sentence I wrote, regardless of whether or not I was being ironic. I’d just like to make people wonder about my sincerity level.

    • CanCan

      Crone..? At 45? *sigh* please tell me “Crone” is more for an 80 year old.

      • Susan

        You beat me to it. I am thrilled this was the first comment, even if the only reason I even clicked on the article was to make that comment myself!!