I Had a Threesome and It Ended with a Handshake (Really)

Apropos of Amanda Chatel’s I Had A Threesome; It Wasn’t Exactly What You See In The Movies, I thought I’d share.

I was in college and had a long-term boyfriend, Walt, who liked kink and claimed he “didn’t get jealous.” It was technically an open relationship, but neither of us actually put that into practice (dude was pretty blunt – I’m sure if he had fucked someone else, he’d have reported it gleefully right away, not thinking that my feelings might be hurt).

So, Walt and I had a friend, Miguel. Miguel was also a pervert. We knew this because we all sat around at parties and made BDSM jokes, but who doesn’t?

I was in this phase where I was like, “Sex can mean many different things. Like love, or friendship, or nothing!” I still would have to agree that that is true of people in general, but not so much for me. Anyway, we all decided to have a threesome.

The fact that it was 4pm and there was no alcohol might have been part of the problem. There were some makeouts, but everything seemed slow and awkward and much too deliberate. In other words, not hot at all.

Basically, Walt couldn’t get it up with another man around. Miguel was like, “Yeah, I understand that.” Walt was like, “It’s not you, man, it’s me.” It was very cordial. I feel like everyone shrugged at least twice during this encounter.

Miguel and I had a short, ordinary bout of intercourse. Walt watched, kind of the way you watch your kid play Little League.

I felt a small thrill at having passed the threesome barrier, but it had been a remarkably non-sexual experience. Like a brightly-lit trip to some kind of gynecologist buddy-system.

Then, Miguel felt like he should leave. He kissed me on the cheek, I think. And then STUCK OUT HIS HAND to Walt.

They shook hands.

“Yup!”

“Okay, then.”

“See you around.”

Miguel left. Walt and I got dinner.

The end!

Years later I had another threesome with a girl and a guy. The girl had her period and didn’t want to do much, and then she left first because she had work in the morning. Even though I liked her a lot as a person and also thought she was very pretty, I was glad when she left. The guy had been super-excited to be involved in a threesome in the first place, but he got way more action in a twosome.

Threesomes are awkward. There’s a reason there are no romantic dinners for three, or tangos, waltzes, or cha-chas for three. That reason is that they are all awkward, also.

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    • Sam

      “I was in this phase where I was like, “Sex can mean many different things. Like love, or friendship, or nothing!” I still would have to agree that that is true of people in general, but not so much for me.”

      What? A person who may hold meaning and value to sex? Good for you.

    • MR

      If I’m in a realtionship with a woman now, I won’t share her with anybody. But, when I was in my midteens everybody was f*cking everybody, and no one belong to anyone, so it’s not like I haven’t shown flexibility.

    • Rae

      I lost my virginity in a foursome (married couple, another girl, and me). When I was leaving after, the guy walked me to the door. It was the first time we had ever met, and we didn’t really know what to say to each other. We stared at each other for about a minute, and then he kind of reached out and shook my hand. Awkward moment? Yes.

      But I still don’t regret it.

    • Emma

      This was hilarious!